Today, it's a day which i faced up and down, high and low. Mood swag like an ocean with a great wind, nothing for me to grab to stay on spot. Even if i'm able to grab something on, the ocean will still freeze me to death. Thus, today end with a moody night. what exactly happen to me? what happened just now? what did i do? ....
so today, from the morning till evening, i only had three packs of biscuits and a bread. End up, i felt that my body is getting weaker and weaker. I have problems of standing even driving. Lack of nutrition perhaps and more over i did a lot of walking today. I have dance practice in the evening so i went to my friends' house and cook a dish for myself. There are left over from their lunch since i was so hungry so i ate some of their left over dishes. That meal provided me lot of protein, able to restore my strength temporary. I was thinking to take a nap but it did not went as i planned. My friends were watching movie in front of me and i somehow got interested to watch with them too. Everything it was great, i was just too tired.
I was waiting for my dance buddies to call me when they're ready. I look at the time and found out that , it's kinda late already, if they do not take off now; i'm afraid that we will be late for the practice. The practice is not just for the dancer but with the actors this time. So it needs cooperation and teamwork. A dance buddy of mine asked me to fetch my dance partner before fetching others. I went and fetched her, have a short chat with her on the way to other houses. After that, we're off to our practice. everything were good, nothing was wrong.
during our dance practice, i was laughing at the actors the way how they danced. it was so bad of me but i cannot resist it. As usual, should i say bad habit? i look at her when she danced. I do not know, why do i like to look at her. Care for her? or chasing her? why i care so much for? One senior of mine came in during the practice, he's quite close with her. This should not be my problem right? why do i care? great but it ended up, i found out one thing of me, i was being jealous that time. Why so? I was moody after that, trying to cover up. Therefore, i went off that practice room for sometime. Walking alone in the corridor, do some little lightly dance moves to cheer and chill myself. Again, why do i feel jealous? when we're ready to go back, my other dance buddies were asking me why do i look mad. Actually, i was not mad, i was just jealous and ya i admit that there's a little bit of fire in me but i will not burst. Since, that's my problem so i just keep it to myself.
She was the last person i sent home, in the car, she asked me why do i look mad. Of course, i wouldn't tell her why and what is the reason. So i just replied her that it's my problem, it will be solved the next day. It seems that she trusted me on this but actually somehow, it triggers the memories of my ex. I felt the same thing going to happen to me again. in the noon time, one of my dance buddy actually told me that it's kind obvious that i'm chasing her. Now i conclude it, yes, i'm chasing her but not as crazy i used to be.
i know it was childish to be jealous but it's the fact, it happened. what does this really mean? I was frustrated because of this, it's an easy and simple thing yet so complicated. Love cannot be force and i know i'm the one that get hurt in the end. Seeing her enjoying herself, i think that's all i can do as a friend. Can i really do more than that? are we just dance partner? more importantly does she trust me?
I told Jia Shin that i will give her my blog link after that dance event and i bet that she will not talk to me after reading my blog. A great bet but seriously, when something is already numb, it will be numb. i will feel pain, what else can i do? let the heart numb forever then. tears already dried, i wouldn't fall a single drop of tears anymore. I'm a negative person but changed to a better person ,you have not know me yet or maybe you don't have the chance to know about it too. The one that get hurts all the time is the one that chased? one sided love? I think i'm falling into this pit again, am i?
~HPB
No comments:
Post a Comment