Its been a while that i'm not writing anything here, its just too many things happened or perhaps........little things but complicated ones. Nevertheless, I believe there is only one which is the worst one which actually makes me feel very lost....i just don't know how to solve it. Oh gosh, what happen to me recently, i was lost and found but the track i'm walking right now is different from what i walked before. Besides, i never thought i will be writing here again, you can imagine that how frustrating i'm in right now.
currently, i'm fearing of something and normally things which i fear, i will be able to observe and solve it. However, THIS, what kind of feeling i'm having now? i know its fear but i don't know what i'm fearing at which makes me frustrated and keep on asking myself what is it. Its like you are stucked in a black looping dimension and there's nothing or a sign leads me. Perhaps, i will just swallow things up again or just ignore this feeling. I cannot figure what is it or maybe i do but i'm just too persistence on ignoring it. Its still early and i have no solid proof on that thus right now just let this fear follow me for a moment and see how things go.
i was going to message you that your blog is full of 'dust' but i checked this morning and realized that you updated it. As usual, its a habit of mine to on your blog at least once in a day or maybe i got a habit of reading everyone's blog each time i on mine or see is there any new song uploaded/updated in your blog. The guardian you mentioned there.....i cant say it was me since there's no solid proof of it but if it is me, all i can say is "thank you for trusting me and you will always have me behind your back". Guardian, i used to be a person's personal guardian until the day she migrated, about her....one word to describe "past". Promises, just remember what i promised you and what you promised me(if you remember), you have my words and you are free to come and find me whenever you want, i will always be there for you. Therefore, if you're happy, i will be happy so cheer alright.
i do admit that i will look upset or depress even you're happy but trust me, its not what you think it is,its something else bothering me. At first, it was what you thought which i will feel pain watching you two but that's something which i need to accept. As long you're happy i'm alright with it, at least i make it clean that it was not your fault that why these days i was upset. It was something else, something i mentioned above.....i'm still fearing and searching....
friends been asking me when will you take that necklace off......i would say, wait till the day i found a girl who is brave enough to take that necklace off my neck. Which is I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E hahaha honestly speaking, i do hope that.....i was thinking of taking off but not right now as i told my friends that i will not chase any girls if that necklace is still on, which there is a rumor spread in my university who my friends thought that i was chasing someone but that necklace save my explanation.
that necklace.......just too 'heavy' to let a person to take it off.....
if the person understands you, there's no need a single word comes from the mouth...
HPB
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Je vais bien?
True enough that i have been not writing anything in this blog not because i'm busy nor lazy. Its more like i have so many things to write but i don't know what to write because things just not easy to throw them out anymore. Back to what i used to be, the one who don't really rely on blog and keep everything inside my little tiny brain. If it suffers then let it be, its not that i can't handle them anyway;rather suffer alone, sacrifice is needed to achieve happiness for others. perhaps i'm mad but don't you think seeing those smile on your friends' face feels good though you have to suffer to have that, i think its worth doing so... Life, its never easy; even you try to create one, there's always something which will screw the whole plan, situation, environment and surrounding. So that's my life, i never expect my friends to understand me simply because my life is complicated, easy things just do not exist in front of me.
though life is complicated but it helps me to show who and what is important in my life. Recently, i have been with my dance buddies. They are funny and cute, a bunch of good friends that can play with. We had our dance performance few days ago for our university exchange program between Japanese. Talking about the performance, i felt that i did not do well on that day. K-pop, i started dance k-pop while i was in secondary school and stopped after 1-2 months after knowing that its not really my style. I did my best but it still sucks after watching the video that my DSLR took which i placed in the hall. Nevertheless we pulled it off and now proceeding to another up coming performance for Halloween.
As i said, i have been with my dance buddies these few weeks so we ended up created a 'family' and i was posted as grandpa which i think is a good post for me since i'm the eldest among all of them. Though we are from different courses, we maintain our relationship through Facebook chat and google+ hangouts. Isn't that awesome to see them that way, just that i don't know why am i getting further away from them hahaha i think too much? Maybe because of maturity, they can play things which are childish and don't even care of their fame. When that happens, i just stand beside looking at them and smile, which maybe a good 'reaction'. i wish to join them, the body is willing but the mind is suppressing it. Perhaps i can't go crazy in front of them because they doesn't know anything about me. Anyway i just try my best to join them if i'm able to or exceptional case which can makes me high on that day.
always think positive which always makes me think negative at the same time. Have been too good thinking around and cycle it, its like never ending. "Secrets are meant to be reveal" which i used to say but "Between secrets there are secrets which you rather not reveal than revealing it" is the one that's circling in my mind now. Words are just words;two type of words, tangible or intangible and two kinds of secrets, lie or truth. lost or found, who knows..
HPB
though life is complicated but it helps me to show who and what is important in my life. Recently, i have been with my dance buddies. They are funny and cute, a bunch of good friends that can play with. We had our dance performance few days ago for our university exchange program between Japanese. Talking about the performance, i felt that i did not do well on that day. K-pop, i started dance k-pop while i was in secondary school and stopped after 1-2 months after knowing that its not really my style. I did my best but it still sucks after watching the video that my DSLR took which i placed in the hall. Nevertheless we pulled it off and now proceeding to another up coming performance for Halloween.
As i said, i have been with my dance buddies these few weeks so we ended up created a 'family' and i was posted as grandpa which i think is a good post for me since i'm the eldest among all of them. Though we are from different courses, we maintain our relationship through Facebook chat and google+ hangouts. Isn't that awesome to see them that way, just that i don't know why am i getting further away from them hahaha i think too much? Maybe because of maturity, they can play things which are childish and don't even care of their fame. When that happens, i just stand beside looking at them and smile, which maybe a good 'reaction'. i wish to join them, the body is willing but the mind is suppressing it. Perhaps i can't go crazy in front of them because they doesn't know anything about me. Anyway i just try my best to join them if i'm able to or exceptional case which can makes me high on that day.
always think positive which always makes me think negative at the same time. Have been too good thinking around and cycle it, its like never ending. "Secrets are meant to be reveal" which i used to say but "Between secrets there are secrets which you rather not reveal than revealing it" is the one that's circling in my mind now. Words are just words;two type of words, tangible or intangible and two kinds of secrets, lie or truth. lost or found, who knows..
HPB
Friday, October 4, 2013
way it went
life is simple, its just that how we view and walk it, whether to maintain it to be as simple as it is or else make it complicated as no one is able to understand.
that's what people think nowadays, they want to make their life as simple as it is but ended up they did not even notice themselves are the one that make things more complicated. Recently, i don't post any updates nor status in my Facebook anymore, i felt that it was not necessary and my parents are there so i rather keep everything to myself. However, if i update my status in Facebook,most probably the status send an important message to my friends or else i wouldn't even bother updating it. I went back to my Google+ social network which i abandoned it two years ago, that social network is much more peaceful than Facebook or Twitter. I don't update much but spend more time on reading the news over there since Google+ is like a live social network, updating news quite often. And if i really do need to update any status, i will update it in either Google+ or Twitter.
"what are you thinking?" this is the question i get most of the time recently and all i replied is "nothing/just craps" but actually my brain is thinking bunch of stuffs, important things, events, friendship, dance, life, experience and more further things and possibilities. I just cannot stop thinking, i think a lot and sometimes it reached the stage of going crazy and when that happens, i will just walk away from my friends, asking them to go a head without me or find an excuses to get away from them. why? i don't like to pull my friends into my shoes,i want they to stay happy so i choose to walk away whenever i'm that stage. They wouldn't be worrying me since in their mind they always thinks that i'm the strongest and the wisest among them. perhaps even a strongest person will fall in certain time...
its hard to find someone that i trust and able to tell everything in my mind, my burdens and worries. Even if i have friends that i can trust, it is weird that i cannot even open my mouth to tell them at all. I just felt that everything have to be kept to myself, no one have to knows about it like i used to be. None of my friends know about my stuffs until the day i broke up with my ex, they force me to tell everything. Great brothers but i really hope they understand what i told them and i wish they wouldn't go through the things i went through even they do, i will help them no matter what. And true enough, some of them came and find me but all i will do is to guide them, not giving answers but opinions, decision is theirs to make.
since no one that i can tell my stuffs and it impossible for me to keep it this way or else brain will burst, just stay at the side of the corner and brain will haunt you questions that makes you suffer. Everyone have their own way to solve this problem and mine is dancing. That is one my the reasons that's why i dance so i said "dance is my life" but not everyone get the meaning of it, without dance i think i wouldn't be surviving now. Recently been busy preparing for in coming performance and unbelievable that i'm going to touch k-pop dance again. I stopped once years ago so give myself another try to gain back the feeling of the song. Honestly, i never feel much better being with my dance buddies, dance together, share skills and happiness. I always try my best to make any practices they have as long they don't clash my time with my church, i will definitely be there.
these days, there are two songs in my mind keep on playing and i felt like choreographing it. its going to be a contemporary dance which i have no experience at all. Might going to start from learning more through videos, it might be great or the worst haha give myself a try on something new. Meanwhile also focusing on up coming performance and try to improve my breakdance stunts and parkour
its difficult and suffering to keep words that you actually wanted to say but for people's happiness sake, you rather swallow the whole thing up and just tend to act nothing. Perhaps my way to keep people happy, pull them high up the mountain and i will be happy to see their smiling faces. i worry maybe i think too much or maybe i know but i don't ask, even if i ask i know the reply is a lie so ended up stuck in the same place. In my life there's no simple perhaps only complication. complication to protect myself from being hurt again. its not that i don't want my life to be simple and think easily its i can't do so
HPB
that's what people think nowadays, they want to make their life as simple as it is but ended up they did not even notice themselves are the one that make things more complicated. Recently, i don't post any updates nor status in my Facebook anymore, i felt that it was not necessary and my parents are there so i rather keep everything to myself. However, if i update my status in Facebook,most probably the status send an important message to my friends or else i wouldn't even bother updating it. I went back to my Google+ social network which i abandoned it two years ago, that social network is much more peaceful than Facebook or Twitter. I don't update much but spend more time on reading the news over there since Google+ is like a live social network, updating news quite often. And if i really do need to update any status, i will update it in either Google+ or Twitter.
"what are you thinking?" this is the question i get most of the time recently and all i replied is "nothing/just craps" but actually my brain is thinking bunch of stuffs, important things, events, friendship, dance, life, experience and more further things and possibilities. I just cannot stop thinking, i think a lot and sometimes it reached the stage of going crazy and when that happens, i will just walk away from my friends, asking them to go a head without me or find an excuses to get away from them. why? i don't like to pull my friends into my shoes,i want they to stay happy so i choose to walk away whenever i'm that stage. They wouldn't be worrying me since in their mind they always thinks that i'm the strongest and the wisest among them. perhaps even a strongest person will fall in certain time...
its hard to find someone that i trust and able to tell everything in my mind, my burdens and worries. Even if i have friends that i can trust, it is weird that i cannot even open my mouth to tell them at all. I just felt that everything have to be kept to myself, no one have to knows about it like i used to be. None of my friends know about my stuffs until the day i broke up with my ex, they force me to tell everything. Great brothers but i really hope they understand what i told them and i wish they wouldn't go through the things i went through even they do, i will help them no matter what. And true enough, some of them came and find me but all i will do is to guide them, not giving answers but opinions, decision is theirs to make.
since no one that i can tell my stuffs and it impossible for me to keep it this way or else brain will burst, just stay at the side of the corner and brain will haunt you questions that makes you suffer. Everyone have their own way to solve this problem and mine is dancing. That is one my the reasons that's why i dance so i said "dance is my life" but not everyone get the meaning of it, without dance i think i wouldn't be surviving now. Recently been busy preparing for in coming performance and unbelievable that i'm going to touch k-pop dance again. I stopped once years ago so give myself another try to gain back the feeling of the song. Honestly, i never feel much better being with my dance buddies, dance together, share skills and happiness. I always try my best to make any practices they have as long they don't clash my time with my church, i will definitely be there.
these days, there are two songs in my mind keep on playing and i felt like choreographing it. its going to be a contemporary dance which i have no experience at all. Might going to start from learning more through videos, it might be great or the worst haha give myself a try on something new. Meanwhile also focusing on up coming performance and try to improve my breakdance stunts and parkour
its difficult and suffering to keep words that you actually wanted to say but for people's happiness sake, you rather swallow the whole thing up and just tend to act nothing. Perhaps my way to keep people happy, pull them high up the mountain and i will be happy to see their smiling faces. i worry maybe i think too much or maybe i know but i don't ask, even if i ask i know the reply is a lie so ended up stuck in the same place. In my life there's no simple perhaps only complication. complication to protect myself from being hurt again. its not that i don't want my life to be simple and think easily its i can't do so
HPB
Friday, August 30, 2013
that smile
today,its the day where our country called the independent day; once the clock reached 12am, the place where i stayed, the blue dark sky all lighted up with colorful fireworks and noises which annoys me. Independent day, a day where everyone will stay at home and rest, a day where adults able to sleep till noon time, a day where kids unable to watch their favorite morning cartoons, a day where everyone will only think its holiday instead of independent day. Simply its means not everyone do care about today but we citizen of Malaysia still look forward the day where there is no boxes for cina, malay, india or others in any paper form, just a box which written malaysian, isn't that the best answer? whether will it happen? anyway still there is a lot of thing which we need to achieve to build this country.
enough of the independent day, what so special about today is K's birthday, that's why i remember this day. honestly speaking i never remember this day for years after since my primary school. Primary school is because they will print an announcement and ask us to bring back home to show our parents that's why i remember and after that i never remember that day until that exact day comes. Anyway, today is her birthday, she celebrated her birthday in her house if i'm not mistaken with a friend of hers who has the same day of birthday too. She looks happy in the photo, that's the smile i want to see. I do hope that she enjoy her birthday celebration with her friends, should be awesome. I don't have that kind of celebration before but on my birthday which happened this year, K actually helped me to celebrate with my dancing friends and friends that i made during the preparation of Mirage, a music drama show. A day which i will remember.
So its your birthday, i remember so clearly that early of the month you said "don't you dare to see me without present on my birthday " but you did not know that i actually already planned everything when to go and buy your present,what to buy and others hahaha i was just waiting for the day to come. that few days,I bet you did notice that i kept asking you when are you going to be in PJ since its the last week for the semester, everyone prefer to stay at their hometown and study for their finals. I thought of going to your house to deliver to you if you really not planning to come down but you did come down and its only that day for that dance practice. I personally prefer to give birthday present before the actually birthday or even better on the exact day, never been in my mind to give a belated present, i felt weird doing so. I gave you the present and you looked happy, which the only thing i wanted to see, your happy face and that smile. You wanted to open the present in front of me which you said that you did to everyone but i'm glad that you did not do so in front of me hahaha i prefer the host open it while i'm not around.
so here's your present
i'm glad that you like it very much =) the day you helped me to dyed my hair, i asked you which color do you like and you answered as long its colorful. you made my head spin honestly but day after day i noticed that you actually got into purple a lot so conclude buying things which is purple. Knowing a bit of you, your style so i know what taste do you like and getting a watch its something which you hope to have isn't it? hahaha watch, i do hope that it will help you in future and you wouldn't get lost in time XD actually i thought of bringing you to Putrajaya to watch fireworks for your birthday which is the one that shared in facebook but too bad finals is around the corner and i have much more to cover, perhaps next year. Anyway the promise that i promised to you, i wouldn't forget, which is our next photo shooting venue will be in Putrajaya and its night view. i can't wait to take the colorful bridge which i wanted and you're going to be the model of that day hahaha
alright this is what i wrote in the letter which was contained in her present,
"祝你青春美丽，愿你梦想成真，生日快乐，XX。虽然有时你对我有点冷淡，但你有时也有让我感觉温暖，谢谢你=)你别emo了，不然你那笑容我再也看不见了。记得你并不是一个人，有什么事，请跟我说，像我平时都说的，你可以找我，我一定会在。好了，你别多想，考试加油，我在pc等你 也许你讨厌的朋友， XX"
haha =) smile can be fake...but that smile of yours which i saw, it's the one kind which makes you who really you are. stay happy as always K. life its complicated, there's a lot of ups and downs but tell yourself that you have infinite of reasons for you to live happily. all the best and good luck in your finals ya
HPB
enough of the independent day, what so special about today is K's birthday, that's why i remember this day. honestly speaking i never remember this day for years after since my primary school. Primary school is because they will print an announcement and ask us to bring back home to show our parents that's why i remember and after that i never remember that day until that exact day comes. Anyway, today is her birthday, she celebrated her birthday in her house if i'm not mistaken with a friend of hers who has the same day of birthday too. She looks happy in the photo, that's the smile i want to see. I do hope that she enjoy her birthday celebration with her friends, should be awesome. I don't have that kind of celebration before but on my birthday which happened this year, K actually helped me to celebrate with my dancing friends and friends that i made during the preparation of Mirage, a music drama show. A day which i will remember.
So its your birthday, i remember so clearly that early of the month you said "don't you dare to see me without present on my birthday " but you did not know that i actually already planned everything when to go and buy your present,what to buy and others hahaha i was just waiting for the day to come. that few days,I bet you did notice that i kept asking you when are you going to be in PJ since its the last week for the semester, everyone prefer to stay at their hometown and study for their finals. I thought of going to your house to deliver to you if you really not planning to come down but you did come down and its only that day for that dance practice. I personally prefer to give birthday present before the actually birthday or even better on the exact day, never been in my mind to give a belated present, i felt weird doing so. I gave you the present and you looked happy, which the only thing i wanted to see, your happy face and that smile. You wanted to open the present in front of me which you said that you did to everyone but i'm glad that you did not do so in front of me hahaha i prefer the host open it while i'm not around.
so here's your present
i'm glad that you like it very much =) the day you helped me to dyed my hair, i asked you which color do you like and you answered as long its colorful. you made my head spin honestly but day after day i noticed that you actually got into purple a lot so conclude buying things which is purple. Knowing a bit of you, your style so i know what taste do you like and getting a watch its something which you hope to have isn't it? hahaha watch, i do hope that it will help you in future and you wouldn't get lost in time XD actually i thought of bringing you to Putrajaya to watch fireworks for your birthday which is the one that shared in facebook but too bad finals is around the corner and i have much more to cover, perhaps next year. Anyway the promise that i promised to you, i wouldn't forget, which is our next photo shooting venue will be in Putrajaya and its night view. i can't wait to take the colorful bridge which i wanted and you're going to be the model of that day hahaha
alright this is what i wrote in the letter which was contained in her present,
"祝你青春美丽，愿你梦想成真，生日快乐，XX。虽然有时你对我有点冷淡，但你有时也有让我感觉温暖，谢谢你=)你别emo了，不然你那笑容我再也看不见了。记得你并不是一个人，有什么事，请跟我说，像我平时都说的，你可以找我，我一定会在。好了，你别多想，考试加油，我在pc等你 也许你讨厌的朋友， XX"
haha =) smile can be fake...but that smile of yours which i saw, it's the one kind which makes you who really you are. stay happy as always K. life its complicated, there's a lot of ups and downs but tell yourself that you have infinite of reasons for you to live happily. all the best and good luck in your finals ya
HPB
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Wind Flew
it's been a while that i did not write anything here, i was too busy with my university assignments and flooded with midterms too. other than that, of course there is bunch of things i would like to write it here but somehow i feel lazy to write. Like i said before, bunch of things, which means a lot, there's too much for me to write, its impossible for me to write everything. anyway, today feel like coming here and type some stuffs which happened days ago.
I had a great time with K on Tuesday and i hope she was too. Something scared her the day before so i decided to bring her out and she wanted to see graffiti. She was so interested and so looking forward to see those arts. I knew a place which have a whole row of it thus bring her there and do photo shootings at the same time to improve and gain back my photo shooting skills. I like graffiti too but too bad at that time, my friends they do not really like them so each time we pass by there, they will just continue to walk. I wanted to stay there and see each of it but since i'm the only one that like it so they would not wait for me. Normally, i only had a glance to see the graffiti. So that day i brought her there, she was so happy. in addition surprisingly, on that day, we saw a huge around 3-4 feet monitor lizard or comodo dragon and it was just few feets away from us. She was freaked out and i was in front of her protecting her. I could say actually i'm very calm when i saw that but seeing her reaction so in case anything happen just look after her. I promised her to take care and protect her that day so promised as promise and impossible that i will let anything happen to her hahaha anyway i really enjoy that day, never thought that i can actually have the chance to see the graffiti for that long and close moreover unexpectedly was with K. Besides enjoying the graffiti, i brought my DSLR along; took a lot of photos and memories too. Quite a long time already i never appear in a frame, she asked me to take along and i entrusted her my 2nd wife to her, taught her how to use. I'm impressed and admitted to say this, she can be a good photographer. She has sharp eyes and imagination to take nice photos but there's much more to learn, she will learn them when she enter degree =) I can say after that "day", i never felt so happy and you never expect that you can actually give me so much joy aren't you K? hahaha =)
everyone has their on personality, there's a saying goes " personality can be changed if you wanted to ". Yes, this sentence is correct but i have another one on my own which is "personality can changed but characteristic of the person wouldn't". My personality is based on who you are to me, i'm real all the time (ok, i admit there are times i will be fake) but beware each of everyone of us has their own temper. There's limitation for everything, i love to help but never take it as granted or else you will find out that you actually useless or you did not learn anything from it. I will still help but who is the one that will gain the wisdom, isn't it me? i wanted my friends to learn as well, there are times that i might look very bossy and "smart" but i'm actually trying to teach you guys. i want you guys to learn and have the same knowledge as i have. I'm a patience person if the person can hit that point of my temper it simply means you are just too way much a head. I never like people to take me and compare to themselves. Its a stupid thing to do, why do you take people and compare to yourself? isn't that increase you stress and you will feel bad of yourself? Thus, please don't take anyone to compare yourself. God created us, each one of us have their own ability and own story to walk. If you really want to compare, compare with your pass, that's the best way for you to improve yourself.
everyone have their own story to walk, you cannot stop in the middle of it; its like you are growing from primary to secondary and now adult. in other words, time pass means passed, there is no return; appreciate the time you have now and stop worrying about future. future is not something which you can worry or think of because there is none that know what will happen next. Therefore, instead of waiting, move on first, you will see things differently without your expectation.
HPB
I had a great time with K on Tuesday and i hope she was too. Something scared her the day before so i decided to bring her out and she wanted to see graffiti. She was so interested and so looking forward to see those arts. I knew a place which have a whole row of it thus bring her there and do photo shootings at the same time to improve and gain back my photo shooting skills. I like graffiti too but too bad at that time, my friends they do not really like them so each time we pass by there, they will just continue to walk. I wanted to stay there and see each of it but since i'm the only one that like it so they would not wait for me. Normally, i only had a glance to see the graffiti. So that day i brought her there, she was so happy. in addition surprisingly, on that day, we saw a huge around 3-4 feet monitor lizard or comodo dragon and it was just few feets away from us. She was freaked out and i was in front of her protecting her. I could say actually i'm very calm when i saw that but seeing her reaction so in case anything happen just look after her. I promised her to take care and protect her that day so promised as promise and impossible that i will let anything happen to her hahaha anyway i really enjoy that day, never thought that i can actually have the chance to see the graffiti for that long and close moreover unexpectedly was with K. Besides enjoying the graffiti, i brought my DSLR along; took a lot of photos and memories too. Quite a long time already i never appear in a frame, she asked me to take along and i entrusted her my 2nd wife to her, taught her how to use. I'm impressed and admitted to say this, she can be a good photographer. She has sharp eyes and imagination to take nice photos but there's much more to learn, she will learn them when she enter degree =) I can say after that "day", i never felt so happy and you never expect that you can actually give me so much joy aren't you K? hahaha =)
everyone has their on personality, there's a saying goes " personality can be changed if you wanted to ". Yes, this sentence is correct but i have another one on my own which is "personality can changed but characteristic of the person wouldn't". My personality is based on who you are to me, i'm real all the time (ok, i admit there are times i will be fake) but beware each of everyone of us has their own temper. There's limitation for everything, i love to help but never take it as granted or else you will find out that you actually useless or you did not learn anything from it. I will still help but who is the one that will gain the wisdom, isn't it me? i wanted my friends to learn as well, there are times that i might look very bossy and "smart" but i'm actually trying to teach you guys. i want you guys to learn and have the same knowledge as i have. I'm a patience person if the person can hit that point of my temper it simply means you are just too way much a head. I never like people to take me and compare to themselves. Its a stupid thing to do, why do you take people and compare to yourself? isn't that increase you stress and you will feel bad of yourself? Thus, please don't take anyone to compare yourself. God created us, each one of us have their own ability and own story to walk. If you really want to compare, compare with your pass, that's the best way for you to improve yourself.
everyone have their own story to walk, you cannot stop in the middle of it; its like you are growing from primary to secondary and now adult. in other words, time pass means passed, there is no return; appreciate the time you have now and stop worrying about future. future is not something which you can worry or think of because there is none that know what will happen next. Therefore, instead of waiting, move on first, you will see things differently without your expectation.
HPB
Thursday, June 27, 2013
path chosen
I was planning to do my revision for my in coming midterm but ended up here. Maybe going to write down some of the things happened around me recently, i might feel better. I felt stressful these days due to assignments and other stuffs which are secretive. anyway straight to the point, there are things bothering me but its not something which i can handle. Thus, the only thing i can do is wait or look through it the answer myself. However best answer comes from the actual person so its kinda difficult to open your mouth and it comes to worst if you have estimated the answers to those questions. so, what's the point asking questions which you might already know the answer?
few days ago, bunch of my friends went to counseling room for consultation. I heard that its more like a sharing section for everyone inside there. Too bad, i love to share stuffs but most of my stuffs are secret so its kinda hard for me to do so. Instead of going inside that room, another friend of mine wanted to consult me, asking me what does he need to do and others. here comes another relationship problem, i did that in my secondary school even till now my brothers will come and find me for advice. I do not understand but why do you guys come and find me? I cannot give advice because i also have problems in that. No one is specialist in this, all i can do for them is to be their listener. Listen to their problems and question them and guide them, that's all, i do not give them answers because there's no right and wrong in this case.
and back to where i was, after counseling my friend and its kinda late already and my friends who were in the counseling room opened the door, during the sharing section they actually locked the door. few of my friends went off and some of them stayed. anyway i went in and never thought that i ended up counseling them, my friends. I just shared what i experienced before, nothing else, no craps, all base on what i went through in my life. The counselor concluded me by saying me that my age looks 20 but my brain is 40. Its not something like this, maybe because of my curiosity, i look through things, i scan, i analyze, i investigate, i observe, i tried and these is what i get, experiences.
i never thought that i ended up counselling my friends but one thing that i hope is one of the friends in there able to get what i'm exactly trying to tell her. I know her problems so i'm doing my best to advice her through friends. I want her to wake up from her dream and face reality. This world is cruel and only the strong will survive. Those who are weak will remain weak but if the weak takes the chance and give a try,step forward, its a new beginning for him or her to be strong. Strong cannot be measure as long you have the will with you, nothing can stop you. Spoke for that long, hopefully she will get it one day. they look at me like a pro but you do not know how much i paid for my life, what i went through, the counselor know that. I share and counsel because i do not wish to see you guys to go through the same thing i went through.
Time is all i need, I will eventually let you go. I had a great time with you yesterday, hard to believe but it's happening. It was great to see so many great dancers this time and it was lucky that the vise president has changed haha Anyway the conversation in the car between you and me, yup, you got me that i'm actually in a situation. A simple situation which i actually so stupid not to solve it as soon as possible. However yesterday a sentence of yours struck me and made me realize something. So like i said before and i will say it again, i'm single but i'm not available because relationships or feelings i do not want to touch or even care anymore. All i want to do right now is to focus in my studies, if it wants to happen, it will happen eventually. Thus, i will forget about these as long that ring of mine is on my neck. I'm going to live on what i want to be and forget those feelings and stuffs.
HPB
few days ago, bunch of my friends went to counseling room for consultation. I heard that its more like a sharing section for everyone inside there. Too bad, i love to share stuffs but most of my stuffs are secret so its kinda hard for me to do so. Instead of going inside that room, another friend of mine wanted to consult me, asking me what does he need to do and others. here comes another relationship problem, i did that in my secondary school even till now my brothers will come and find me for advice. I do not understand but why do you guys come and find me? I cannot give advice because i also have problems in that. No one is specialist in this, all i can do for them is to be their listener. Listen to their problems and question them and guide them, that's all, i do not give them answers because there's no right and wrong in this case.
and back to where i was, after counseling my friend and its kinda late already and my friends who were in the counseling room opened the door, during the sharing section they actually locked the door. few of my friends went off and some of them stayed. anyway i went in and never thought that i ended up counseling them, my friends. I just shared what i experienced before, nothing else, no craps, all base on what i went through in my life. The counselor concluded me by saying me that my age looks 20 but my brain is 40. Its not something like this, maybe because of my curiosity, i look through things, i scan, i analyze, i investigate, i observe, i tried and these is what i get, experiences.
i never thought that i ended up counselling my friends but one thing that i hope is one of the friends in there able to get what i'm exactly trying to tell her. I know her problems so i'm doing my best to advice her through friends. I want her to wake up from her dream and face reality. This world is cruel and only the strong will survive. Those who are weak will remain weak but if the weak takes the chance and give a try,step forward, its a new beginning for him or her to be strong. Strong cannot be measure as long you have the will with you, nothing can stop you. Spoke for that long, hopefully she will get it one day. they look at me like a pro but you do not know how much i paid for my life, what i went through, the counselor know that. I share and counsel because i do not wish to see you guys to go through the same thing i went through.
Time is all i need, I will eventually let you go. I had a great time with you yesterday, hard to believe but it's happening. It was great to see so many great dancers this time and it was lucky that the vise president has changed haha Anyway the conversation in the car between you and me, yup, you got me that i'm actually in a situation. A simple situation which i actually so stupid not to solve it as soon as possible. However yesterday a sentence of yours struck me and made me realize something. So like i said before and i will say it again, i'm single but i'm not available because relationships or feelings i do not want to touch or even care anymore. All i want to do right now is to focus in my studies, if it wants to happen, it will happen eventually. Thus, i will forget about these as long that ring of mine is on my neck. I'm going to live on what i want to be and forget those feelings and stuffs.
HPB
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
exile begin
don't know when will you be reading my blog but after you read this post i believe there will be changes of you how you view me as.
something happened to me and i have no idea what was it. ever since i changed my personality, things are not the same anymore. Friends changed into strangers. the one that i trust somehow i cannot trust her anymore, i felt that i was trusting the wrong person. Blame myself for being easily trusting on someone. However, she is the only one that know about my secrets among my degree friends, the only one that know me the most i think. Asking myself for so what reason that i reveal so much of my secrets to her. I felt that our friendship is getting further and further away.
today, all i care is about ending the class as soon as possible. i just do not feel like talking to anyone or joining anyone. Walk alone, do my things alone, isolating my friends. Yes, i'm isolating them because i know there's nothing good will come out from me today. I planned to sit far away from them but they reserved a sit for me. normally people will just go to that place and sit but what i did was thinking should i sit with them, should i? because i really have no mood being with them today or maybe forever. I just felt that i'm not suitable to mix with them anymore. or perhaps i know my problem but i cant accept the fact. i think i'm being foolish again for making up theories and trusting them. the successful rate of my theories normally fall between 40-60%. when i said it will be that way, mostly it will happen and i'm not surprise.
"you can like a lot of people but there is only one will give you heartache " this is true. I still need time to let go of K. She gave me memories which i never have in my life. That day i helped her during the open drive for dance club, perhaps that's the only time i was being happy with her. I was smiling and it's a real smile. After the recruitment, we when off together. I was there grumble about my assignments and she was there happily answered me that her assignments are not assign yet. I was try to poke her head, making fun of her, it was the happiest time i have with her i think exclude during dancing of course. Nevertheless, i'm glad that we are still friends. I came across of this sentence "爱一个人,不一定要在一起". I might be doing the same thing but i will let you go eventually so no worries, i'm a man of my words. I never make promises that i cannot fulfill. Now we can be friends is already more than anything you gave me. my friend, anything when you need help, call me or message me i will be there. I mean call me or message me, i do not stay on net all the time like i used to be. I'm sorry that i did not see that message coming that day but next time, message me or give me a thinker is better.letting go is not easy but it does not mean it's impossible, like you said i need time
alright, i'm doing this perhaps for my sake, things will change i believe because not everyone are the same. they have different views on this. some able to accept and continue being friends but there are not too. like i said above, you can like a lot of people, perhaps i like you and you didn't know. I thought that after i let go of K slowly, i might be chasing you after i'm fine but too bad that i'm too late for it. Right now you have a boy friend, all i can do is to wish you to be good to your boy friend. I had a conversation with her yesterday, the conversation turned into an argument. when you changed your status from single to relationship, i was curious whether is true or not. You told our friends that you just having fun but i do not believe that. You're a person which love to play but when comes to this, you would not make fun of it. How do i know? if you remember that you told me that you actually liked a guy when you're in secondary school. since that day, i know what kind of person are you. I might be wrong and very wrong because everything i guess or predict about you are wrong. I have never face this problem before but only you actually make my perceptions all wrong.
i like you and that's why i try to get close to you and wanted to know more about you. You kept your secrets tight, which is good unlike me being explore so much but there's still things which you do not know about me. there are things which are not suitable to write it in blog, there are things which have to be kept forever to yourself. Things which changed my life, the impact and everything. You said that you might be experience than me, if that's what you think so, i do not mind. experiences, i gain them through pains and sufferings. You said that i'm judging you, the problem is am i really judging you? i know that you dislike being judge by someone and i never like to judge anyone too. However if you said that i'm judging you then fine, perhaps i am without noticing it. this is your first relationship so what i can say is appreciate your boy friend, take care of him, show him how much you really meant to him and others you should know what to do. Actually when the time you shared a part of your secrets, i really thought so that it's impossible for us to be together after you have that thinking. However i do not mind to continue being friend with you after knowing that secret of yours. You're afraid that i will stop talking to you or ignore you but at least now you know that i'm not that kind of person.
now you know that i like you so what's your reaction? what is your next step? avoiding me? ignore me? or like me maintain being friends, being close friends? or stranger? it's your call. I just being straight forward telling what i need to tell from my mind, perhaps this able to explain to you what exactly happened to me these days. i wouldn't be myself these days, I still need time to let go of K and suddenly you got into relationship, whether you believe it or not i got the worst feeling i had before "again", feeling which indescribable. now i'm able to give myself a reason to continue dancing. I wanted to stop dancing before that because i lost track of why do i dance but somehow i find the reason now why do i dance, the right reason and the reason for me to continue staying on the floor. I dance with passion not to please anyone, dancing is part of my life, too bad that i do not have the time to join my dance buddies these days. they were busy preparing for their showcase, all the best and gambateh guys! anytime when there is dance practice, inform me, i will definite go for it if there's no clash of anything. K please message me alright if there's any practice. thus exile is what i chose now, isolating from you and my current friends, i will only talk when you guys asked for me,i will help when you guys need one but i wouldn't be the same like what i used to be. i felt that i'm being so stupid for liking someone and friends.....i doubt, hard for me to trust anyone now. I'm so not going into that thing anymore, pain into numb, numb into habit, habit to cold
HPB
something happened to me and i have no idea what was it. ever since i changed my personality, things are not the same anymore. Friends changed into strangers. the one that i trust somehow i cannot trust her anymore, i felt that i was trusting the wrong person. Blame myself for being easily trusting on someone. However, she is the only one that know about my secrets among my degree friends, the only one that know me the most i think. Asking myself for so what reason that i reveal so much of my secrets to her. I felt that our friendship is getting further and further away.
today, all i care is about ending the class as soon as possible. i just do not feel like talking to anyone or joining anyone. Walk alone, do my things alone, isolating my friends. Yes, i'm isolating them because i know there's nothing good will come out from me today. I planned to sit far away from them but they reserved a sit for me. normally people will just go to that place and sit but what i did was thinking should i sit with them, should i? because i really have no mood being with them today or maybe forever. I just felt that i'm not suitable to mix with them anymore. or perhaps i know my problem but i cant accept the fact. i think i'm being foolish again for making up theories and trusting them. the successful rate of my theories normally fall between 40-60%. when i said it will be that way, mostly it will happen and i'm not surprise.
"you can like a lot of people but there is only one will give you heartache " this is true. I still need time to let go of K. She gave me memories which i never have in my life. That day i helped her during the open drive for dance club, perhaps that's the only time i was being happy with her. I was smiling and it's a real smile. After the recruitment, we when off together. I was there grumble about my assignments and she was there happily answered me that her assignments are not assign yet. I was try to poke her head, making fun of her, it was the happiest time i have with her i think exclude during dancing of course. Nevertheless, i'm glad that we are still friends. I came across of this sentence "爱一个人,不一定要在一起". I might be doing the same thing but i will let you go eventually so no worries, i'm a man of my words. I never make promises that i cannot fulfill. Now we can be friends is already more than anything you gave me. my friend, anything when you need help, call me or message me i will be there. I mean call me or message me, i do not stay on net all the time like i used to be. I'm sorry that i did not see that message coming that day but next time, message me or give me a thinker is better.letting go is not easy but it does not mean it's impossible, like you said i need time
alright, i'm doing this perhaps for my sake, things will change i believe because not everyone are the same. they have different views on this. some able to accept and continue being friends but there are not too. like i said above, you can like a lot of people, perhaps i like you and you didn't know. I thought that after i let go of K slowly, i might be chasing you after i'm fine but too bad that i'm too late for it. Right now you have a boy friend, all i can do is to wish you to be good to your boy friend. I had a conversation with her yesterday, the conversation turned into an argument. when you changed your status from single to relationship, i was curious whether is true or not. You told our friends that you just having fun but i do not believe that. You're a person which love to play but when comes to this, you would not make fun of it. How do i know? if you remember that you told me that you actually liked a guy when you're in secondary school. since that day, i know what kind of person are you. I might be wrong and very wrong because everything i guess or predict about you are wrong. I have never face this problem before but only you actually make my perceptions all wrong.
i like you and that's why i try to get close to you and wanted to know more about you. You kept your secrets tight, which is good unlike me being explore so much but there's still things which you do not know about me. there are things which are not suitable to write it in blog, there are things which have to be kept forever to yourself. Things which changed my life, the impact and everything. You said that you might be experience than me, if that's what you think so, i do not mind. experiences, i gain them through pains and sufferings. You said that i'm judging you, the problem is am i really judging you? i know that you dislike being judge by someone and i never like to judge anyone too. However if you said that i'm judging you then fine, perhaps i am without noticing it. this is your first relationship so what i can say is appreciate your boy friend, take care of him, show him how much you really meant to him and others you should know what to do. Actually when the time you shared a part of your secrets, i really thought so that it's impossible for us to be together after you have that thinking. However i do not mind to continue being friend with you after knowing that secret of yours. You're afraid that i will stop talking to you or ignore you but at least now you know that i'm not that kind of person.
now you know that i like you so what's your reaction? what is your next step? avoiding me? ignore me? or like me maintain being friends, being close friends? or stranger? it's your call. I just being straight forward telling what i need to tell from my mind, perhaps this able to explain to you what exactly happened to me these days. i wouldn't be myself these days, I still need time to let go of K and suddenly you got into relationship, whether you believe it or not i got the worst feeling i had before "again", feeling which indescribable. now i'm able to give myself a reason to continue dancing. I wanted to stop dancing before that because i lost track of why do i dance but somehow i find the reason now why do i dance, the right reason and the reason for me to continue staying on the floor. I dance with passion not to please anyone, dancing is part of my life, too bad that i do not have the time to join my dance buddies these days. they were busy preparing for their showcase, all the best and gambateh guys! anytime when there is dance practice, inform me, i will definite go for it if there's no clash of anything. K please message me alright if there's any practice. thus exile is what i chose now, isolating from you and my current friends, i will only talk when you guys asked for me,i will help when you guys need one but i wouldn't be the same like what i used to be. i felt that i'm being so stupid for liking someone and friends.....i doubt, hard for me to trust anyone now. I'm so not going into that thing anymore, pain into numb, numb into habit, habit to cold
HPB
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
isolation split
i wonder should i put this post in this blog of mine or another, in the end i chose to post it here since i do not even care how people think of me anymore. People comes and goes; cannot accept me then stop acting, leave and i do not mind at all. I do not really know what happened to me but there's one thing i'm sure off is i'm not close to anyone anymore. I'm actually isolating from my friends or perhaps they are isolating me. Have this kind of mind set these days but maybe because i'm lost what i used to be in last semester.
I used to be a joker, love to mix around with others, make fun of others, a person which cannot sit still. I still fool around but i asked myself that what happened to me. i do not talk to my friends like i used to be, i do not join my friends like i used to be, i do not share my stuffs like i used to be, i do not sacrifices myself like i used to be. It's like there's a gab between me and them. Perhaps i changed back how i used to be, my old life. It's been told that "the person which is the noisiest, actually is the loneliest person among his/her friends". This reminds me of my old life, which i had a very lonely life when i was young, that's why i'm able to adapt to loneliness and darkness.
true enough that, i do not talk to my friends as often as before because i do not felt the friendship between us anymore. I do not feel that anymore, you guys gave me the feeling that i'm actually not in your world or someone which is just a pass by traveler. Like i said, i'm use to loneliness and this brings me to test my friends even till now. How you guys going to think about me, it's up to you all. I do it because i want to protect myself from being used, being cheated, being a stranger to you all. after the first semester, i actually able to see who are really my friends and who are not. there are friends that i care too much but what's the point if the person do not even appreciate it.
i have sensitive mind and able to sense things around me, i can felt things which people do not share. I like to observe and investigate but that's my old life and i stopped. I chose to ask rather then searching it by myself unless it is necessary. People has the right to not answer your questions and i respect that so i will only ask once and that's it. I used to ask the same question to the person till he/she got frustrated. I'm a person which think a lot and plan further apart from current situation. My brothers know me more than anyone i believe, they know what kind of person am i. So i do not blame on friends i have right now for not being able to understand or know me. I am a mysterious person if a person really want to know me, you can give a head and try, talk to me and slowly you might able to know what really a person am i. if you really understands me, i will take you as a real friend. I take friendship seriously,i social well with people but it does not mean that i'm making friends with them.
my mind right now just told me to turn back what i used to be in my secondary school life to protect myself, a cold and protective person. I will be a LALA boy. How you guys going to look on me, it's up to you all. friends that know me, ask yourself do you really know me, accept my close friends and brothers,they know my history and what kind of person i really am. think about it you might know my name but not me. My ways, my thoughts, my life, my personality, my habits, my will,my history, what i have been through, there are a lot of things you do not know about me. I will just be myself, accept or cant accept, your choices. I do not have the time to please any of you, i'm tired of this. I helped and i still do so to any of you whoever needs help, i will definitely be there even knowing that i will be betrayed or backstabed or used as tool, it's up to you all whether you appreciate it or not.
"split personality may not be two personalities in a person whether good or bad, it might refers to personality change after a person went through tough time in their life, just to protect themselves"
HPB
I used to be a joker, love to mix around with others, make fun of others, a person which cannot sit still. I still fool around but i asked myself that what happened to me. i do not talk to my friends like i used to be, i do not join my friends like i used to be, i do not share my stuffs like i used to be, i do not sacrifices myself like i used to be. It's like there's a gab between me and them. Perhaps i changed back how i used to be, my old life. It's been told that "the person which is the noisiest, actually is the loneliest person among his/her friends". This reminds me of my old life, which i had a very lonely life when i was young, that's why i'm able to adapt to loneliness and darkness.
true enough that, i do not talk to my friends as often as before because i do not felt the friendship between us anymore. I do not feel that anymore, you guys gave me the feeling that i'm actually not in your world or someone which is just a pass by traveler. Like i said, i'm use to loneliness and this brings me to test my friends even till now. How you guys going to think about me, it's up to you all. I do it because i want to protect myself from being used, being cheated, being a stranger to you all. after the first semester, i actually able to see who are really my friends and who are not. there are friends that i care too much but what's the point if the person do not even appreciate it.
i have sensitive mind and able to sense things around me, i can felt things which people do not share. I like to observe and investigate but that's my old life and i stopped. I chose to ask rather then searching it by myself unless it is necessary. People has the right to not answer your questions and i respect that so i will only ask once and that's it. I used to ask the same question to the person till he/she got frustrated. I'm a person which think a lot and plan further apart from current situation. My brothers know me more than anyone i believe, they know what kind of person am i. So i do not blame on friends i have right now for not being able to understand or know me. I am a mysterious person if a person really want to know me, you can give a head and try, talk to me and slowly you might able to know what really a person am i. if you really understands me, i will take you as a real friend. I take friendship seriously,i social well with people but it does not mean that i'm making friends with them.
my mind right now just told me to turn back what i used to be in my secondary school life to protect myself, a cold and protective person. I will be a LALA boy. How you guys going to look on me, it's up to you all. friends that know me, ask yourself do you really know me, accept my close friends and brothers,they know my history and what kind of person i really am. think about it you might know my name but not me. My ways, my thoughts, my life, my personality, my habits, my will,my history, what i have been through, there are a lot of things you do not know about me. I will just be myself, accept or cant accept, your choices. I do not have the time to please any of you, i'm tired of this. I helped and i still do so to any of you whoever needs help, i will definitely be there even knowing that i will be betrayed or backstabed or used as tool, it's up to you all whether you appreciate it or not.
"split personality may not be two personalities in a person whether good or bad, it might refers to personality change after a person went through tough time in their life, just to protect themselves"
HPB
Monday, June 3, 2013
the broken wing
i wish you are still reading my blog, spend a bit of your time reading this post...it will be long but bear with it for a while because this is what you might want and i'm giving it to you.
"good evening everyone, I'm XXXXX, a pianist who play by hearing. Tonight i'm going to play a song. This song is dedicated to a girl. I wish that she is among you all and listen to this song. This is for You". This is what i said that night, the night which my university have their night ball. There were over 200 of audience that night and it was my first time playing in front of this huge amount of people. Furthermore i said the sentence above which i want to specifically to tell You that i let you go. The song that i played "apologize", people might think that i did something wrong to You and i wanted to apologize, this is just part of the song. The main reason of me playing this song is to forgive myself. Even though that i know you already forgave me but do you really think that after that forgive really ends everything? No! I cannot forgive what i did back there, each and single day i blame myself even after you had forgiven me.
do you know that even a person is forgiven, it's useless too if he cannot forgive himself? perhaps let's have a throw back. I do not boast what i did back there that day,it was the stupidest thing i did in my life. None of my friends actually believe what i did that day because it was not me, i should not have that courage to do so but i only did it on you. I never thought of you and i did it selfishly. Never ask for your permission and just gave a shot. That was it, everything just ended in that one second, our friendship and trust. i broke them and i will never get to gain back that trust anymore. Moreover, you might have phobia closing your eyes too. Everything was too late, when i notice it, it was too freaking late. i regret doing so and it was my mistake. all because of my selfishness and being ignorant. That night, i wanted to confess to you but i made a huge mistake by kissing you first. I was so confident that i could hold you, it was so foolish of me thinking it that way even my friends asked me whether i can handle the situation, they did advice me and some of them supported me, believed me that i could hold it. Nevertheless, everything was not in that way and it gone far worst. I should have waited and confess to you before kissing you. I wanted to ask you to give us a chance even i know that you have not let go of your very love one but i never got the chance to ask you. I'm sorry for making you cried on that night. You asked others that what if it happened to them, they answered you they will slap that guy and walked away. You did not do so that night, you just walked away from my sight and i was standing there like a man without a heart beating. Tears were flowing out and my brain just gave me the answer that everything is finished.
You gave back the present i prepared for you for valentine's day.
I have no idea whether did you even look at it but after what i did back there, i think you threw it away without even take a glance on it. The photo above shows a rose was folded patiently, the hand band that i searched for sometime and shop to shop, i wish that you will like it because it was modified by me. I added a metal naruto symbol on it to make it nicer since you like naruto so much and a so called confess letter. what's passed pass but memory will stay in our mind, i did what i'm best in to make a person happy but ended up, i made a wrong mistake and everything just from beauty to shit.
since that day, i never forgive myself what i did back there even after you forgave me, the posts that i wrote, i thought that after you forgive me, i will be fine but it gone worst. I cannot feel myself anymore, i was like totally lost then i only notice that i actually not seeking just for your forgiveness but mine too. That night, i lost everything, my pride, my dignity, myself and you. You forgave me and asked me to live on and start a new life of mine and i really tried. Nevertheless, i cannot, each freaking time, i cannot control of myself, i felt that i'm lost, freaking lost in the space. I cannot focus in my studies and i cannot even enjoy myself. I was fake smiling all the time whenever i step out from my room. My parents do not even know a single thing happen to me, i stay strong and act like nothing happened. When it comes that i'm alone at home, the feeling of mine will go worst, i cannot stay at home alone anymore not like before. Before that, i can stay alone at home do anything i love to do, dancing, playing piano and exercise. However, after that day i kissed you, the only thing i wish to do is to play piano. Each time i touch it and play it, it straight away stabs my heart. it hurts, it really does and when it comes to playing "apologize" it was even worst. It was like hundred of needles stab into my heart and twist, i suffer like hell, i think you should know that feeling. When it comes to that, i ran up to second floor and hit my sandbag as hard as i could. I do not give a damn how painful it is the hand will ended up, as long it helps me to relief the pain create from my heart. Heartache gives the most painful wound ever. Hitting the sandbag is just like a temporary medicine for me to relief that pain. hands full of scars, sometime twisted accidentally but who cares as long it helps me to relief my heartache for a while. imagine hitting that sandbag and at the same time tears dropping and hands felt numb and pain. Where can i get the permanent medicine to remove this pain of mine? i just have to continue searching and waiting, that's life isn't it..
you miss your ex, whatever he did to you, it gave you a great impact and deep memories which you cannot erase at all. I do not know anything about you, truth enough, i have no rights talking about your ex. Nevertheless, let me say this, give yourself a chance. I believe you can be like last time, you can as long you believe you can but first, give yourself a chance. you will find a better person which able to give you happiness. I admit that i'm very very stubborn for not letting you go. I like you because i saw your kindness, the truth beauty inside you. I like you for already 7 months, January you knew that i like you after i gave you my blog and i was worried that whether you will turn away from me but you did not, i confessed to you on February and being rejected, i have been isolated, been ignore. Which is a huge mistake i did and i never get to gain back that trust. I know that you were avoiding me that few months after i posted a blog that i love you. I messaged you, you do not reply me as fast before, sometimes seen but no replies. That feeling of waiting, you should be able to understand. the truth or dare game made me revealed that i like you the most and i wanted to make a step further. after sometime, i found out that one of the participant played that game with us did ask you about me. You answered that we are not match. I know about that and i still did that to you, this shows how stubborn am i, not how heroic nor brave guy. Simply it shows that i'm a foolish person which is not mature for you. So isn't that is why i'm not match to you because i'm a childish person.....
you changed me and you changed too. I do not know whether anyone told you about this but you really look thinner than before, i heard that you skip meals. Can you PLEASE have proper meals at least in a day, your parents will be worry sick of you if they find out. I miss the time we used to talk in the phone or message you in the phone, i care and i really do till now. I remember i called you when your at jia shin's house for treatment. You were in pain because Jia Shin was helping you to apply medicine on your wound and i was on the phone trying to talk to you to distract you from it but that's history. Now, I'm afraid that if i message you and you do not reply, it will make me thinking of you thinking that "you again, when are you going to stop", am i right? so i stopped. These few days, we danced for our in coming performance and i was very rough each time i talked to you because you asked me to leave you alone and i did. I did not walk close to you nor talk to you when we had our dance break. However do you know that i cannot stand it, seeing you alone sitting there sometimes. freaking worst feeling ever seeing that happens, that's why sometime i will try to pull some dance buddies,our friends over to you to make you happy or busy. I really have the urge to go there to talk to you but can we really like last time play with each other, i doubt that. I'm being selfish for not giving you your own personal space. However as long your on my sight and if you need help even if you do not ask for, i will still help you. I do not care whether people say that i'm naive to think that way or have a purpose for doing so to gain back your trust or whatever rumors they create but at least i know i did the right thing and it makes me feel better doing so.
every single word above, it was bullshit, that's what you think right? it is but i will say the same thing you typed to me when you knew that i like you. What i wrote above, it's from my bottom of my heart, whether you believe it or not, i felt pain from my chest and it is really really painful. My ex gave me a pain which is unforgettable but yours is even painful then hers and this is truth. I thought my ex gave me the most painful memory ever but yours gave me the pain which i cannot bear to stand at all. I took one hour to write this down with my heart creates that pain,was thinking carefully and i wish that i will not make any mistake anymore. that night after that play, again i throw my fame and being humble to announce this song it's for you. This is the last thing i will do for you. I told alex and jia shin about this, they asked me whether it will go worst or better. This is how i answered them "it's her call now, friend or stranger, it's not my choice, i respect her decision, i have no rights at all" what makes me think that way because i remember you asked me "can we still be friends" i broke that, i should have no rights at all or even type this post.....and lastly, i want to tell you that.......go, I let you go now, live the life you wanted, there are dreams that you have not fulfill, go and fulfilled them.....
HPB
"good evening everyone, I'm XXXXX, a pianist who play by hearing. Tonight i'm going to play a song. This song is dedicated to a girl. I wish that she is among you all and listen to this song. This is for You". This is what i said that night, the night which my university have their night ball. There were over 200 of audience that night and it was my first time playing in front of this huge amount of people. Furthermore i said the sentence above which i want to specifically to tell You that i let you go. The song that i played "apologize", people might think that i did something wrong to You and i wanted to apologize, this is just part of the song. The main reason of me playing this song is to forgive myself. Even though that i know you already forgave me but do you really think that after that forgive really ends everything? No! I cannot forgive what i did back there, each and single day i blame myself even after you had forgiven me.
do you know that even a person is forgiven, it's useless too if he cannot forgive himself? perhaps let's have a throw back. I do not boast what i did back there that day,it was the stupidest thing i did in my life. None of my friends actually believe what i did that day because it was not me, i should not have that courage to do so but i only did it on you. I never thought of you and i did it selfishly. Never ask for your permission and just gave a shot. That was it, everything just ended in that one second, our friendship and trust. i broke them and i will never get to gain back that trust anymore. Moreover, you might have phobia closing your eyes too. Everything was too late, when i notice it, it was too freaking late. i regret doing so and it was my mistake. all because of my selfishness and being ignorant. That night, i wanted to confess to you but i made a huge mistake by kissing you first. I was so confident that i could hold you, it was so foolish of me thinking it that way even my friends asked me whether i can handle the situation, they did advice me and some of them supported me, believed me that i could hold it. Nevertheless, everything was not in that way and it gone far worst. I should have waited and confess to you before kissing you. I wanted to ask you to give us a chance even i know that you have not let go of your very love one but i never got the chance to ask you. I'm sorry for making you cried on that night. You asked others that what if it happened to them, they answered you they will slap that guy and walked away. You did not do so that night, you just walked away from my sight and i was standing there like a man without a heart beating. Tears were flowing out and my brain just gave me the answer that everything is finished.
You gave back the present i prepared for you for valentine's day.
I have no idea whether did you even look at it but after what i did back there, i think you threw it away without even take a glance on it. The photo above shows a rose was folded patiently, the hand band that i searched for sometime and shop to shop, i wish that you will like it because it was modified by me. I added a metal naruto symbol on it to make it nicer since you like naruto so much and a so called confess letter. what's passed pass but memory will stay in our mind, i did what i'm best in to make a person happy but ended up, i made a wrong mistake and everything just from beauty to shit.
since that day, i never forgive myself what i did back there even after you forgave me, the posts that i wrote, i thought that after you forgive me, i will be fine but it gone worst. I cannot feel myself anymore, i was like totally lost then i only notice that i actually not seeking just for your forgiveness but mine too. That night, i lost everything, my pride, my dignity, myself and you. You forgave me and asked me to live on and start a new life of mine and i really tried. Nevertheless, i cannot, each freaking time, i cannot control of myself, i felt that i'm lost, freaking lost in the space. I cannot focus in my studies and i cannot even enjoy myself. I was fake smiling all the time whenever i step out from my room. My parents do not even know a single thing happen to me, i stay strong and act like nothing happened. When it comes that i'm alone at home, the feeling of mine will go worst, i cannot stay at home alone anymore not like before. Before that, i can stay alone at home do anything i love to do, dancing, playing piano and exercise. However, after that day i kissed you, the only thing i wish to do is to play piano. Each time i touch it and play it, it straight away stabs my heart. it hurts, it really does and when it comes to playing "apologize" it was even worst. It was like hundred of needles stab into my heart and twist, i suffer like hell, i think you should know that feeling. When it comes to that, i ran up to second floor and hit my sandbag as hard as i could. I do not give a damn how painful it is the hand will ended up, as long it helps me to relief the pain create from my heart. Heartache gives the most painful wound ever. Hitting the sandbag is just like a temporary medicine for me to relief that pain. hands full of scars, sometime twisted accidentally but who cares as long it helps me to relief my heartache for a while. imagine hitting that sandbag and at the same time tears dropping and hands felt numb and pain. Where can i get the permanent medicine to remove this pain of mine? i just have to continue searching and waiting, that's life isn't it..
you miss your ex, whatever he did to you, it gave you a great impact and deep memories which you cannot erase at all. I do not know anything about you, truth enough, i have no rights talking about your ex. Nevertheless, let me say this, give yourself a chance. I believe you can be like last time, you can as long you believe you can but first, give yourself a chance. you will find a better person which able to give you happiness. I admit that i'm very very stubborn for not letting you go. I like you because i saw your kindness, the truth beauty inside you. I like you for already 7 months, January you knew that i like you after i gave you my blog and i was worried that whether you will turn away from me but you did not, i confessed to you on February and being rejected, i have been isolated, been ignore. Which is a huge mistake i did and i never get to gain back that trust. I know that you were avoiding me that few months after i posted a blog that i love you. I messaged you, you do not reply me as fast before, sometimes seen but no replies. That feeling of waiting, you should be able to understand. the truth or dare game made me revealed that i like you the most and i wanted to make a step further. after sometime, i found out that one of the participant played that game with us did ask you about me. You answered that we are not match. I know about that and i still did that to you, this shows how stubborn am i, not how heroic nor brave guy. Simply it shows that i'm a foolish person which is not mature for you. So isn't that is why i'm not match to you because i'm a childish person.....
you changed me and you changed too. I do not know whether anyone told you about this but you really look thinner than before, i heard that you skip meals. Can you PLEASE have proper meals at least in a day, your parents will be worry sick of you if they find out. I miss the time we used to talk in the phone or message you in the phone, i care and i really do till now. I remember i called you when your at jia shin's house for treatment. You were in pain because Jia Shin was helping you to apply medicine on your wound and i was on the phone trying to talk to you to distract you from it but that's history. Now, I'm afraid that if i message you and you do not reply, it will make me thinking of you thinking that "you again, when are you going to stop", am i right? so i stopped. These few days, we danced for our in coming performance and i was very rough each time i talked to you because you asked me to leave you alone and i did. I did not walk close to you nor talk to you when we had our dance break. However do you know that i cannot stand it, seeing you alone sitting there sometimes. freaking worst feeling ever seeing that happens, that's why sometime i will try to pull some dance buddies,our friends over to you to make you happy or busy. I really have the urge to go there to talk to you but can we really like last time play with each other, i doubt that. I'm being selfish for not giving you your own personal space. However as long your on my sight and if you need help even if you do not ask for, i will still help you. I do not care whether people say that i'm naive to think that way or have a purpose for doing so to gain back your trust or whatever rumors they create but at least i know i did the right thing and it makes me feel better doing so.
every single word above, it was bullshit, that's what you think right? it is but i will say the same thing you typed to me when you knew that i like you. What i wrote above, it's from my bottom of my heart, whether you believe it or not, i felt pain from my chest and it is really really painful. My ex gave me a pain which is unforgettable but yours is even painful then hers and this is truth. I thought my ex gave me the most painful memory ever but yours gave me the pain which i cannot bear to stand at all. I took one hour to write this down with my heart creates that pain,was thinking carefully and i wish that i will not make any mistake anymore. that night after that play, again i throw my fame and being humble to announce this song it's for you. This is the last thing i will do for you. I told alex and jia shin about this, they asked me whether it will go worst or better. This is how i answered them "it's her call now, friend or stranger, it's not my choice, i respect her decision, i have no rights at all" what makes me think that way because i remember you asked me "can we still be friends" i broke that, i should have no rights at all or even type this post.....and lastly, i want to tell you that.......go, I let you go now, live the life you wanted, there are dreams that you have not fulfill, go and fulfilled them.....
HPB
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
parents' questionnaire
Saturday, we were rushing to Penang Island which is quite a distance from my house, 300km+ if i'm not mistaken. So we took off at 7am and we reached Ipoh around 9am. I was sleeping in the car the whole time until my dad stopped his car and i looked up, there goes a coffee shop. Finally, we could have some breakfast, i was hungry and tired because i did not sleep early the day before, the blame goes on me then. Anyway, i had slept for 2 hours in the car so i was energized and head for breakfast.
here comes the interesting part of that day, somehow my mum asked me how is the two sisters of mine. I answered her that they are fine and they will be continuing with their studies in degree. Suddenly, my mum brought up a conversation which is weird to me. She said how was V then? i told her that she will continue with her studies about English. It is something like advance English so i think she will be a teacher or lecturer one day. Then my mum said V is a good girl, why don't i think about it. hahaha seriously, i never thought that my mum will say that but honestly i know and i knew that we cannot be together because i'm not good enough for her or perhaps i rather appreciate her as my sister instead of girl friend. I just kept on telling my mum that it was impossible and my family was there so you can get the feeling i went through that day.
there's reason for everything and i believe we have to search it our own and that is exactly what i do in my life, keep on searching and waiting.
let's have a throw back then about my relation between V
I knew V during my foundation through a bunch of crazy foundation friends of mine. They were studying Biology science and i was studying pure science so there were few subjects i will be having the same class as them. Time goes by, they actually formed a family and it is a big one,Ugang and so i was added to their family too since i'm quite close to them and helped them a lot in some way. One day a brother of that family asked me that whether do i interested in any of the sisters in the family, i did answer him but that time i answered it because i like them, nothing much. It is normal for a guy to like girls or else boy likes boy, isn't that weird?
before that there was something happened and V started to avoid talking to me, perhaps she started to notice that i like her or maybe because of something else. it was a long story so i will only state the main stories. When it came to her birthday, she cried and i actually already knew that what happened to her before,her history through a sister in that family. Furthermore because of that, i told myself that V do not have to be my girl friend, why not a sister or a close friend perhaps. on her birthday, i actually folded and colored 100 of pink roses and store them in a transparent teddy bear, after knowing her history i folded one more rose to change the whole meaning of the present. Yes i admit that i love V very much in that period but there are things which not meant to be yours, it will not be yours forever but you can hold it and let it go; i even stated above that i'm not her dream man, she will only interested to guys which are super handsome and definitely the person will not be me haha i believe she can get a better person then me and of course her ex too. i always ask her to stay strong even the other brothers and sisters too.
i dare to type this out because i believe she trusted me to be a good brother to her and i will not break that promise. V can be my sister forever and close friend. i cannot believe my mum actually want me to chase you haha however it would not happen. right now too bad that she is far away from me, the only way to contact each other is through social network messenger. I miss you sister, i believe we can see each other one day. those memories we had, it will be in my heart forever. thanks for everything, you know you are the best. continue to stay strong and study hard for your degree, all the best and good luck.
HPB
here comes the interesting part of that day, somehow my mum asked me how is the two sisters of mine. I answered her that they are fine and they will be continuing with their studies in degree. Suddenly, my mum brought up a conversation which is weird to me. She said how was V then? i told her that she will continue with her studies about English. It is something like advance English so i think she will be a teacher or lecturer one day. Then my mum said V is a good girl, why don't i think about it. hahaha seriously, i never thought that my mum will say that but honestly i know and i knew that we cannot be together because i'm not good enough for her or perhaps i rather appreciate her as my sister instead of girl friend. I just kept on telling my mum that it was impossible and my family was there so you can get the feeling i went through that day.
there's reason for everything and i believe we have to search it our own and that is exactly what i do in my life, keep on searching and waiting.
let's have a throw back then about my relation between V
I knew V during my foundation through a bunch of crazy foundation friends of mine. They were studying Biology science and i was studying pure science so there were few subjects i will be having the same class as them. Time goes by, they actually formed a family and it is a big one,Ugang and so i was added to their family too since i'm quite close to them and helped them a lot in some way. One day a brother of that family asked me that whether do i interested in any of the sisters in the family, i did answer him but that time i answered it because i like them, nothing much. It is normal for a guy to like girls or else boy likes boy, isn't that weird?
before that there was something happened and V started to avoid talking to me, perhaps she started to notice that i like her or maybe because of something else. it was a long story so i will only state the main stories. When it came to her birthday, she cried and i actually already knew that what happened to her before,her history through a sister in that family. Furthermore because of that, i told myself that V do not have to be my girl friend, why not a sister or a close friend perhaps. on her birthday, i actually folded and colored 100 of pink roses and store them in a transparent teddy bear, after knowing her history i folded one more rose to change the whole meaning of the present. Yes i admit that i love V very much in that period but there are things which not meant to be yours, it will not be yours forever but you can hold it and let it go; i even stated above that i'm not her dream man, she will only interested to guys which are super handsome and definitely the person will not be me haha i believe she can get a better person then me and of course her ex too. i always ask her to stay strong even the other brothers and sisters too.
i dare to type this out because i believe she trusted me to be a good brother to her and i will not break that promise. V can be my sister forever and close friend. i cannot believe my mum actually want me to chase you haha however it would not happen. right now too bad that she is far away from me, the only way to contact each other is through social network messenger. I miss you sister, i believe we can see each other one day. those memories we had, it will be in my heart forever. thanks for everything, you know you are the best. continue to stay strong and study hard for your degree, all the best and good luck.
HPB
Monday, May 20, 2013
the explode
these days we had been busy preparing ourselves for flash mob. It was something which we never thought that will happen in our university. However we put it off with a bang, everyone was excited looking at us dance. I mean the new intake students, so basically we are performing a flash mob in our university May intake orientation. We have to blend in among the new intakes, act as a new comer which do not know anything about our university. Too bad that that day's orientation they have mass call, which every new intakes have to wear our university shirt. Due to this, we are obviously exposed because we are wearing casual. There are some new intakes do not have their shirt yet so we still able to trick them somehow.
so those days, we practiced like hell. It was not something we usual train off, the beat and rhyme is faster than what i danced before. Nevertheless, practices made perfect so it was kinda awesome after you get the moves and the timing everything. That was for dance club parts, the flash mob consists of two groups which are the dance club dancers and the helpers that are helping in the orientation. So it was kinda obvious that we have to learn two choreograph for this flash mob. We able to train ours, our dance club moves in time and able to learn the other one in a short time because it was easy but it does not mean that we can dance simply, easy moves comes with tough sharpness.
Furthermore, somehow we got our dance group named as "135" because one of our moves involved in this formation and enable others to remember us in that name. So our group name is "135" ? We are still not sure on that because last time we used to call us "dance evolution" but that was history. We are talking about now, the dancers are different from before but i am still the same, newbie as usual hahaha there are so many things more for me to learn. Learn a bit from here and there so that next time when someone ask, i will be able to perform a bit or even talk about it since i have the knowledge about it but that is going to be a long time for me to achieve. So far i only know about breakdance(main), popping, hip-hop, k-pop, tango and lyrical, that is all i know. there is so much for me to explore more.
so here is the "135" after the flash mob, we are over excited and take photos. talking about taking photos, we still have few dancers that are unable to join us this time. Nevertheless they will join the next performance on 2nd June for our university night ball. They are busy than never right now since they still have showcase to prepare for in coming event which hold on 22 June if i'm not mistaken. I'm not joining this since it bangs to another event of mine. They can have all the fun this time, they have more passion than i do for dancing. As i said before, i dance for pleasure not for purpose, i do have passion but not much as theirs i believe. Different way of thinking perhaps, brings me to another kind of view about dancing. I'm happy dancing with them and i never feel like being home actually dancing with them, perhaps they do not know that, i really do love dancing. However, somehow i got myself stuck half way and unable to move forward. I'm still finding what cause me think that way and i hope to solve it as soon as possible. I felt being left out these days, or perhaps i'm the one isolated them..
sometimes or perhaps most of the time, i admit that i will look very boss-y in front of my dance buddies. Perhaps i have to change that attitude of mine, last time in secondary school i was a choreographer and of course i have my own ideas too. I do not mind sharing it but it was up to them to decide which moves they want to perform. Sharing ideas is one way to improve everyone's skills and i was happy to see everyone actually improve a lot and i mean really a lot. they can call themselves dancer already and in this flash mob i made new dance buddies which is a popper and a choreographer. Both are great, wish i will learn more things from them, they are awesome.
i'm looking forward for the next dance performance but mean while i think i better take care of my body. My health condition is not as good as before, should say become worst. Thus, no other choice but to take care of myself first, physically and mentally. Tough path have to walk, no other choices but that one and only way to walk. So that "day" going to come soon, wait till that day, everything might will be resolved and you will have your own life. i promise that....
promises are meant to be broken but not for this one, or else i will have trouble living on in my life
~HPB
so those days, we practiced like hell. It was not something we usual train off, the beat and rhyme is faster than what i danced before. Nevertheless, practices made perfect so it was kinda awesome after you get the moves and the timing everything. That was for dance club parts, the flash mob consists of two groups which are the dance club dancers and the helpers that are helping in the orientation. So it was kinda obvious that we have to learn two choreograph for this flash mob. We able to train ours, our dance club moves in time and able to learn the other one in a short time because it was easy but it does not mean that we can dance simply, easy moves comes with tough sharpness.
Furthermore, somehow we got our dance group named as "135" because one of our moves involved in this formation and enable others to remember us in that name. So our group name is "135" ? We are still not sure on that because last time we used to call us "dance evolution" but that was history. We are talking about now, the dancers are different from before but i am still the same, newbie as usual hahaha there are so many things more for me to learn. Learn a bit from here and there so that next time when someone ask, i will be able to perform a bit or even talk about it since i have the knowledge about it but that is going to be a long time for me to achieve. So far i only know about breakdance(main), popping, hip-hop, k-pop, tango and lyrical, that is all i know. there is so much for me to explore more.
so here is the "135" after the flash mob, we are over excited and take photos. talking about taking photos, we still have few dancers that are unable to join us this time. Nevertheless they will join the next performance on 2nd June for our university night ball. They are busy than never right now since they still have showcase to prepare for in coming event which hold on 22 June if i'm not mistaken. I'm not joining this since it bangs to another event of mine. They can have all the fun this time, they have more passion than i do for dancing. As i said before, i dance for pleasure not for purpose, i do have passion but not much as theirs i believe. Different way of thinking perhaps, brings me to another kind of view about dancing. I'm happy dancing with them and i never feel like being home actually dancing with them, perhaps they do not know that, i really do love dancing. However, somehow i got myself stuck half way and unable to move forward. I'm still finding what cause me think that way and i hope to solve it as soon as possible. I felt being left out these days, or perhaps i'm the one isolated them..
sometimes or perhaps most of the time, i admit that i will look very boss-y in front of my dance buddies. Perhaps i have to change that attitude of mine, last time in secondary school i was a choreographer and of course i have my own ideas too. I do not mind sharing it but it was up to them to decide which moves they want to perform. Sharing ideas is one way to improve everyone's skills and i was happy to see everyone actually improve a lot and i mean really a lot. they can call themselves dancer already and in this flash mob i made new dance buddies which is a popper and a choreographer. Both are great, wish i will learn more things from them, they are awesome.
i'm looking forward for the next dance performance but mean while i think i better take care of my body. My health condition is not as good as before, should say become worst. Thus, no other choice but to take care of myself first, physically and mentally. Tough path have to walk, no other choices but that one and only way to walk. So that "day" going to come soon, wait till that day, everything might will be resolved and you will have your own life. i promise that....
promises are meant to be broken but not for this one, or else i will have trouble living on in my life
~HPB
Thursday, May 9, 2013
the past
finally, which what i have wanted for so long, my university semester break. Semester break, it does not mean that i'm able to rest because there is a lot of things waiting for me to settle at home. It is time for me to take care of my house maintenance; one month in a year which is May during my semester break, i am only available to do so. Basically,my duty is TRYING to repair anything which is spoiled at home and maintain the house in good condition and functional. Degree life, it's a tough one but thank God that everything went smoothly in my first year first semester. In this semester, i learned how to take videos and photos. the brightness, angles, iso, aperture and more, which leads me to have more interest to take videos and photos. So far, i was thinking to have a part time job to be a photographer, it might be great. taking good photos and share them, anyway it's my hobby since i was young. in order to achieve this, i need to learn few software which edit photos to make it more lovely. right now, i'm doing my best, trying to learn how to use adobe photoshop, it is kinda hard but i will get use to it anyway.
so that's my updates about my life recently, now now, this is what am i thinking to write. I planned to write it yesterday night but there is something i need to settle down so i did not make it. something which is more important to recording this down. nevertheless, it does not change a single thing anyway, my mind still have the things i wanted to type, they are still fresh in my mind.
i was doing chores yesterday, i never thought that i actually have so many things to clean up. papers, books, accessories and more, my study table was in a big mess, i wonder how long i did not use my table to study hahaha the whole semester, i never use my table at all for my studies; i went out from morning which the sun has not even rise yet and when i reached home, the moon is laughing at me. So it is a busy life in my degree, sometimes i even need to stay up late just to finish my editing. So back to the point, while i was doing my chores, i saw something which i hid and i took it. "it" still looks good and fine, never thought that i will be seeing that again so soon. I hid that present last year and now i was looking at it.
I was thinking, how is my ex recently. Even though she dumped me silently and made me suffer, i still take her as friend. It's like seriously, even my friends asked me not to think about friends either. After that day, i never got the chance to see her anymore, i should say we did not even contact each other after that. That day, i wanted to gave her the present above, the 100 paper made roses with rose aroma, painted by me one by one and the crystal necklace. that's passed, some friends know about my history regarding my ex, i shared it to those that have mature thinking of chasing the girl they like. story been told and its up to them to make their decision wisely, unlike me.
look at the box, everything is made by me, how am i afford to burn it. It is priceless but it is not something which is said 'burn it' that easily. There is still memories in it. Temporary right now, i hid it again. hopefully that i would not see it for this period because i know that i'm in a frustrated situation. I have no time to think about other stuffs, i have to start practicing a lot for my in coming piano performance. My heart shows my frustration through my mental, my hands were shaking, i was thinking how am i going to perform well then. My piano teacher did tell me not to shake my hands but i cannot control it. Blood pressure rise again? why? gosh! i cannot give up playing piano, it is like ending my life. Piano is like a diary to me, i wrote every single details of my feelings in it, i hope people able to feel it. some people do and i'm have nothing to say other than thank you for accepting them.
May is going to be a busy month for me, dance, piano performance, maintenance , shooting, editing and more to come. Isn't it great that my life is busy so that i would not think about thinks which i should not recall off? negative thoughts? however, honestly speaking, i'm tired mentally and physically...friends, i doubt or maybe i'm just too kind to them.....who knows.....real friends? friendship? i wish i would not feel regret but i am and always do til now, hope that there's a road for me to walk away from this but there is none or maybe....who knows...the hardest thing to do in the world,is to forgive yourself~
~HPB
so that's my updates about my life recently, now now, this is what am i thinking to write. I planned to write it yesterday night but there is something i need to settle down so i did not make it. something which is more important to recording this down. nevertheless, it does not change a single thing anyway, my mind still have the things i wanted to type, they are still fresh in my mind.
i was doing chores yesterday, i never thought that i actually have so many things to clean up. papers, books, accessories and more, my study table was in a big mess, i wonder how long i did not use my table to study hahaha the whole semester, i never use my table at all for my studies; i went out from morning which the sun has not even rise yet and when i reached home, the moon is laughing at me. So it is a busy life in my degree, sometimes i even need to stay up late just to finish my editing. So back to the point, while i was doing my chores, i saw something which i hid and i took it. "it" still looks good and fine, never thought that i will be seeing that again so soon. I hid that present last year and now i was looking at it.
I was thinking, how is my ex recently. Even though she dumped me silently and made me suffer, i still take her as friend. It's like seriously, even my friends asked me not to think about friends either. After that day, i never got the chance to see her anymore, i should say we did not even contact each other after that. That day, i wanted to gave her the present above, the 100 paper made roses with rose aroma, painted by me one by one and the crystal necklace. that's passed, some friends know about my history regarding my ex, i shared it to those that have mature thinking of chasing the girl they like. story been told and its up to them to make their decision wisely, unlike me.
look at the box, everything is made by me, how am i afford to burn it. It is priceless but it is not something which is said 'burn it' that easily. There is still memories in it. Temporary right now, i hid it again. hopefully that i would not see it for this period because i know that i'm in a frustrated situation. I have no time to think about other stuffs, i have to start practicing a lot for my in coming piano performance. My heart shows my frustration through my mental, my hands were shaking, i was thinking how am i going to perform well then. My piano teacher did tell me not to shake my hands but i cannot control it. Blood pressure rise again? why? gosh! i cannot give up playing piano, it is like ending my life. Piano is like a diary to me, i wrote every single details of my feelings in it, i hope people able to feel it. some people do and i'm have nothing to say other than thank you for accepting them.
May is going to be a busy month for me, dance, piano performance, maintenance , shooting, editing and more to come. Isn't it great that my life is busy so that i would not think about thinks which i should not recall off? negative thoughts? however, honestly speaking, i'm tired mentally and physically...friends, i doubt or maybe i'm just too kind to them.....who knows.....real friends? friendship? i wish i would not feel regret but i am and always do til now, hope that there's a road for me to walk away from this but there is none or maybe....who knows...the hardest thing to do in the world,is to forgive yourself~
~HPB
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
currently and recently
i was planning to study at this time but somehow i just feel like writing down what is in my mind today and what happened these days. degree life, just hand in some of my assignments days ago, at the same time get some 'feedback' from my lecturer. it is time for me to start reading perhaps in order for me to improve more on my grammar and vocabulary. I thought i am able to let things go and focus in my studies but i am wrong. i am too easily influenced by surroundings, memories, environments which shows me that i am actually weak. To be more exact, i am mentally tired and this affects my physical health which is one word to describe myself right now, dumb
suffer pain from left chest and all i do is keep quiet, right hand put on the chest and just act nothing happen. blood pressure shot up sometimes which is able to let me know by having headache. i think the next month i will be doing more exercises to build a better body. talking about exercise, reminds me dancing. i love to dance and seriously i mean it but these days i do not know why, i felt that i am so left out. perhaps thinking too much? my dance buddies, they are busied preparing flash mob for the next intake, i am interested but the practice time they set makes me hard to join them. in addition, of course they would not because of me change another day right? so let them perform this time without me perhaps, i wish i can join them but i am afraid that i cannot catch up with their steps. anyway i am just a newbie, it takes time for me to remember steps. one partner, no longer a newbie, he went for dance classes, haha i am proud and currently he is better than me. i think i am the weakest dancer among them. perhaps, the passion of dance in them is greater than mine, for now all i can do is dancing in my own living room, parkour, bboy and hip-hop. for them, dancing perhaps is an important activity to them and that is why they put so much passion on it, for me i dance will pleasure and do not dance for a purpose but i dance because i simply enjoy it. recalls the first time i dance as a bboy in secondary school just because there is a boy which dance hip-hop challenged me. hahaha so right now, i am still thinking whether should i join the flash mob. they even join showcase which will hold on june or july, they have new groups and partners and of course i am not inside because i am not as good as them hahaha who am i? besides, it holds on weekends so i believe they would not call me because they should know i cannot make it. so this is what i am thinking about my dancing life currently, dance...i wish...but....things would not be the same anymore aren't?
so i keep drinking these days, how great, my bad habit, drinking. i never like drinking, once i start drinking i just have the urge to continue and continue until that i cannot drink anymore, which is almost at the state of being drunk. i just feel like ending my life and just like this, pop, then perhaps everything will be gone, i do not have to worry or even think. like i said, drinking is actually not my thing but i still drink, all because my mind full of negative stuffs. i do not mind drinking alone, anyway drinking alone actually it makes me feel 'better'. i try to cut down my alcohol drinks, it crazily how much i drank. no one likes a drunker so perhaps this is the way to make a girl dislike me? haha alcoholic huh? just drink, who cares?
59 days gone, i read your blog almost everyday, i do not depends on friends anymore to know your update. on the other hand, i actually try to communicate with you but it seems would not work well. i inbox you and you saw it but you do not reply or sometimes you would but mostly....hahaha so what can i conclude here? i do not have the answer with me, i am lost anyway. you posted a post said that dislike means dislike, so i asked you a question and you answered. i know recently you like a boy, i cannot do anything because it is none of my business. all i can do is reading your blog and see your updates in your status. even sometimes i have the urge to text you but you do not seem to read it anyway even if i sent them. it is hard for you to find a guy isn't it? why not give yourself a chance? i know you went through worst, afraid of breaking up and arguments but think about it, you are too negative and naive to think that way. perhaps and maybe this guy will change your life? why don't you give a try? i do not expect you to find me anyway, i'm just an acquaintance to you right now, no longer friend....that's the consequence what i did back that day. blaming myself for being so rush, even knowing that you dislike me, i thought that i am able to change that but it became worst. who to put the blame on? of course me...
write so much, every single words above it is everything i wanted to type out from my heart. somehow i feel better typing all out, i cannot take pressure anymore. friends has been using one word to describe me "weak" so i am weak? perhaps so, i look strong in front of you guys but when i am down, none of you notice haha i am just so good in hiding them. fake smile, when will i able to see my real smile again?
~HPB
suffer pain from left chest and all i do is keep quiet, right hand put on the chest and just act nothing happen. blood pressure shot up sometimes which is able to let me know by having headache. i think the next month i will be doing more exercises to build a better body. talking about exercise, reminds me dancing. i love to dance and seriously i mean it but these days i do not know why, i felt that i am so left out. perhaps thinking too much? my dance buddies, they are busied preparing flash mob for the next intake, i am interested but the practice time they set makes me hard to join them. in addition, of course they would not because of me change another day right? so let them perform this time without me perhaps, i wish i can join them but i am afraid that i cannot catch up with their steps. anyway i am just a newbie, it takes time for me to remember steps. one partner, no longer a newbie, he went for dance classes, haha i am proud and currently he is better than me. i think i am the weakest dancer among them. perhaps, the passion of dance in them is greater than mine, for now all i can do is dancing in my own living room, parkour, bboy and hip-hop. for them, dancing perhaps is an important activity to them and that is why they put so much passion on it, for me i dance will pleasure and do not dance for a purpose but i dance because i simply enjoy it. recalls the first time i dance as a bboy in secondary school just because there is a boy which dance hip-hop challenged me. hahaha so right now, i am still thinking whether should i join the flash mob. they even join showcase which will hold on june or july, they have new groups and partners and of course i am not inside because i am not as good as them hahaha who am i? besides, it holds on weekends so i believe they would not call me because they should know i cannot make it. so this is what i am thinking about my dancing life currently, dance...i wish...but....things would not be the same anymore aren't?
so i keep drinking these days, how great, my bad habit, drinking. i never like drinking, once i start drinking i just have the urge to continue and continue until that i cannot drink anymore, which is almost at the state of being drunk. i just feel like ending my life and just like this, pop, then perhaps everything will be gone, i do not have to worry or even think. like i said, drinking is actually not my thing but i still drink, all because my mind full of negative stuffs. i do not mind drinking alone, anyway drinking alone actually it makes me feel 'better'. i try to cut down my alcohol drinks, it crazily how much i drank. no one likes a drunker so perhaps this is the way to make a girl dislike me? haha alcoholic huh? just drink, who cares?
59 days gone, i read your blog almost everyday, i do not depends on friends anymore to know your update. on the other hand, i actually try to communicate with you but it seems would not work well. i inbox you and you saw it but you do not reply or sometimes you would but mostly....hahaha so what can i conclude here? i do not have the answer with me, i am lost anyway. you posted a post said that dislike means dislike, so i asked you a question and you answered. i know recently you like a boy, i cannot do anything because it is none of my business. all i can do is reading your blog and see your updates in your status. even sometimes i have the urge to text you but you do not seem to read it anyway even if i sent them. it is hard for you to find a guy isn't it? why not give yourself a chance? i know you went through worst, afraid of breaking up and arguments but think about it, you are too negative and naive to think that way. perhaps and maybe this guy will change your life? why don't you give a try? i do not expect you to find me anyway, i'm just an acquaintance to you right now, no longer friend....that's the consequence what i did back that day. blaming myself for being so rush, even knowing that you dislike me, i thought that i am able to change that but it became worst. who to put the blame on? of course me...
write so much, every single words above it is everything i wanted to type out from my heart. somehow i feel better typing all out, i cannot take pressure anymore. friends has been using one word to describe me "weak" so i am weak? perhaps so, i look strong in front of you guys but when i am down, none of you notice haha i am just so good in hiding them. fake smile, when will i able to see my real smile again?
~HPB
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Real?Fake?
150/82.....haha seriously? how come my blood pressure shot up? why? why at the moment that i'm so busy with my assignments, presentations and
finals. is this real? it's like a nightmare coming back,haunting me. blood pressure, had it since last year when i was chasing the third girl that i liked. i mean seriously? i still cannot believe this but i have to admit and accept the fact that it's truth. these days i felt mil pain from my chest, should be from the heart...i never like this feeling, it gives me the feeling that i might not live the next day, how great was it..headache, easily get mad which i don't....health, i never care? perhaps it's truth or maybe not? i do what it's necessary to suppress my blood pressure but ended up why you shoot up? weak? perhaps so...
48 days gone, it's just like a blink, 48 days that i wear my freak face smiling, laughing like a mad man, none of my friends know about it, the truth behind. do you guys really think that i'm happy? the smile faces, i cannot even recognize myself, it's that really me? i cannot even differetiate which smile is real or fake...been fake smiling the whole day in uni or in my outside life. reach home, still smile in front of my parents, am i really gone mad? each time, i only hope to get into my room, why? because there's the only safest place for me to keep from everyone my real face. it's tiring, very i mean. though some of my friends asked me why emo, all i reply them is "i'm not, i'm just tired" haha what a good excuses to run from the truth..
48 days gone, you said you forgive me and you did say dont have to worry about you even as a friend, it's not needed..haha i cant...i still worry for you and still thinking of you...i messaged you because neither i'm worry or just thinking of you but you did not reply. i cannot blame you on this because i know you wouldnt reply me and i do not expect any replies too..you still need time and all i can do it's wait, what am i waiting? waiting for that day to come, it might happen or it might not because everything it's in your hands,it's not mine to choose. wait till that day, see how thing goes.. i might have the courage to let you go..........i still did not take my eyes away from you...knowing that you hurt your knee, please take care alright..no pain, no gain? right? hahaha
yesterday went for the dance practice, saw you, it was like been a long time i did not see you. nevertheless, you did not change a bit...or maybe i dont know? the truth i went for the practice is just to see you, wanted to update myself knowing how have you been. knowing that you're alright so i went off and continue with my busy life. however i do learn something new from you all that day. flash mob, i will learn from alex when i'm free to consult him. from that dance practice, i found out that i'm still the same, i like to look at you dancing. haha stupid me, you feel happy and you really enjoy it. dancing it's part of your life, dont stop dancing...it's the thing which makes me like you...i wish i can dance with you again...chances? i will dance with you as a friend, just as friend which if you allow me...can i? looking at you smile, i will feel better, i will just feel happy. i just dont know why am i thinking that way....i just have that feeling
scars....it can be tangible or intangible;tangible, looking at my hands, the scars that i did before. the blood that i shed haha crazy me isn't it? it's worth to do that? blood drop more than tears, one of my life rule...intangible,i still miss you, scar inside still need time to recover...memories can be happy and sad at the same time....
degree life is busy like hell and now my health condition goes down again. what is this showing me? i'm lost?
~HPB
48 days gone, it's just like a blink, 48 days that i wear my freak face smiling, laughing like a mad man, none of my friends know about it, the truth behind. do you guys really think that i'm happy? the smile faces, i cannot even recognize myself, it's that really me? i cannot even differetiate which smile is real or fake...been fake smiling the whole day in uni or in my outside life. reach home, still smile in front of my parents, am i really gone mad? each time, i only hope to get into my room, why? because there's the only safest place for me to keep from everyone my real face. it's tiring, very i mean. though some of my friends asked me why emo, all i reply them is "i'm not, i'm just tired" haha what a good excuses to run from the truth..
48 days gone, you said you forgive me and you did say dont have to worry about you even as a friend, it's not needed..haha i cant...i still worry for you and still thinking of you...i messaged you because neither i'm worry or just thinking of you but you did not reply. i cannot blame you on this because i know you wouldnt reply me and i do not expect any replies too..you still need time and all i can do it's wait, what am i waiting? waiting for that day to come, it might happen or it might not because everything it's in your hands,it's not mine to choose. wait till that day, see how thing goes.. i might have the courage to let you go..........i still did not take my eyes away from you...knowing that you hurt your knee, please take care alright..no pain, no gain? right? hahaha
yesterday went for the dance practice, saw you, it was like been a long time i did not see you. nevertheless, you did not change a bit...or maybe i dont know? the truth i went for the practice is just to see you, wanted to update myself knowing how have you been. knowing that you're alright so i went off and continue with my busy life. however i do learn something new from you all that day. flash mob, i will learn from alex when i'm free to consult him. from that dance practice, i found out that i'm still the same, i like to look at you dancing. haha stupid me, you feel happy and you really enjoy it. dancing it's part of your life, dont stop dancing...it's the thing which makes me like you...i wish i can dance with you again...chances? i will dance with you as a friend, just as friend which if you allow me...can i? looking at you smile, i will feel better, i will just feel happy. i just dont know why am i thinking that way....i just have that feeling
scars....it can be tangible or intangible;tangible, looking at my hands, the scars that i did before. the blood that i shed haha crazy me isn't it? it's worth to do that? blood drop more than tears, one of my life rule...intangible,i still miss you, scar inside still need time to recover...memories can be happy and sad at the same time....
degree life is busy like hell and now my health condition goes down again. what is this showing me? i'm lost?
~HPB
Monday, March 18, 2013
my curse
it has been a while i did not enter my blog for there is nothing for me to write. however somehow today, i have a post popped up in my mind to write on and i hope you will take a look of this post...
honestly, i wanted to know how have you been. recently i have been busy but i never take away my eyes on you, i will always ask my friends how have you been but somehow i lost track of you. These days, i found out that you have some problems with your friends and for your attitude, i know and i really mean it, i really understand you that you will hide your truth face and just try not to screw up anything. you swallowed up the heat and just entertained them. However, everyone has their limit so yup. no point changing for a person, you is you and that's it. if they cant accept it then it's their problem.
telling the truth behind of this post, actually it's already 30 days i did not get to see you. isn't short or isn't long? but what i can tell is i really regret what i did back there that day. apologize is useless, "sorry" is meaningless anymore these days, it's a common word which people use even a simple task is done wrong. apologize is no longer credible. once trust is broken, it wouldn't be the same for the next time or worst it's already gone...
and again i want to ask how have you been? honestly and yes, i'm worried and don't ask me why. it's just like this and i cant explain it. none of my business? if that so, i have nothing to say but really i do hope that you will answer me honestly. I wanted to see you but each time when i thought of seeing you, i'm afraid that you will upset or down because of me. so i rather forget about it, just care for you secretly. me being negative? hope so, guys never get to understand girl's thought so am i. i have no idea what are you thinking and how do you view me as.
i care for you and i really did, asking friends how have you been recently but normally they replied me that you're fine, you're good. However, i have the thought that you're not and i don't know why again. it was suck to know that i'm worried and cared for you without any reason. or perhaps i know the reason but i don't think you wish to hear that. why am i worry or care a person which already take me as a stranger? i worry too much? i care too much? isn't really worth? i know i'm wasting my time on this but what i can tell is it's worth for me to do so.
rubbish huh? i'm talking rubbish again, isn't what you have been thinking while reading this? i honestly, sincerely telling you this, every single word above it's real. it's not a story but reality. this is what i have been doing,am i stalking you? it depends on how you view it, i cant answer that. like i said and i will say it again but it's up to you to believe it because i did something very wrong and i broke the trust so i do not expect you to trust me. HOWEVER! i really mean those words i said before, even the whole world against you, i will be there for you. you can trust these words i said. i wouldn't break this, a call or a message i will be there for you and it's only for you. ya i know what are you thinking, you rather find your sisters instead of me or other friends, why have to be me. I just want to let you know that there's someone at least you can trust and i will really be there for you no matter what.
i know we still need time, i do not expect you to forgive me and i know it is impossible too. nevertheless i will wait till the day you call me or message me again. 30 days have gone and i'm still waiting for you. To summarize for this post i just want to tell you that i really miss you~
"an apology is nothing, a dozen is still zero, a hundred you're just repeating the words, then what more is apology;
music is nothing if without feelings,story and the meaning behind it. "
and all i want you to do....listen, listen what am i trying to tell you in that song,apologize
~HPB
honestly, i wanted to know how have you been. recently i have been busy but i never take away my eyes on you, i will always ask my friends how have you been but somehow i lost track of you. These days, i found out that you have some problems with your friends and for your attitude, i know and i really mean it, i really understand you that you will hide your truth face and just try not to screw up anything. you swallowed up the heat and just entertained them. However, everyone has their limit so yup. no point changing for a person, you is you and that's it. if they cant accept it then it's their problem.
telling the truth behind of this post, actually it's already 30 days i did not get to see you. isn't short or isn't long? but what i can tell is i really regret what i did back there that day. apologize is useless, "sorry" is meaningless anymore these days, it's a common word which people use even a simple task is done wrong. apologize is no longer credible. once trust is broken, it wouldn't be the same for the next time or worst it's already gone...
and again i want to ask how have you been? honestly and yes, i'm worried and don't ask me why. it's just like this and i cant explain it. none of my business? if that so, i have nothing to say but really i do hope that you will answer me honestly. I wanted to see you but each time when i thought of seeing you, i'm afraid that you will upset or down because of me. so i rather forget about it, just care for you secretly. me being negative? hope so, guys never get to understand girl's thought so am i. i have no idea what are you thinking and how do you view me as.
i care for you and i really did, asking friends how have you been recently but normally they replied me that you're fine, you're good. However, i have the thought that you're not and i don't know why again. it was suck to know that i'm worried and cared for you without any reason. or perhaps i know the reason but i don't think you wish to hear that. why am i worry or care a person which already take me as a stranger? i worry too much? i care too much? isn't really worth? i know i'm wasting my time on this but what i can tell is it's worth for me to do so.
rubbish huh? i'm talking rubbish again, isn't what you have been thinking while reading this? i honestly, sincerely telling you this, every single word above it's real. it's not a story but reality. this is what i have been doing,am i stalking you? it depends on how you view it, i cant answer that. like i said and i will say it again but it's up to you to believe it because i did something very wrong and i broke the trust so i do not expect you to trust me. HOWEVER! i really mean those words i said before, even the whole world against you, i will be there for you. you can trust these words i said. i wouldn't break this, a call or a message i will be there for you and it's only for you. ya i know what are you thinking, you rather find your sisters instead of me or other friends, why have to be me. I just want to let you know that there's someone at least you can trust and i will really be there for you no matter what.
i know we still need time, i do not expect you to forgive me and i know it is impossible too. nevertheless i will wait till the day you call me or message me again. 30 days have gone and i'm still waiting for you. To summarize for this post i just want to tell you that i really miss you~
"an apology is nothing, a dozen is still zero, a hundred you're just repeating the words, then what more is apology;
music is nothing if without feelings,story and the meaning behind it. "
and all i want you to do....listen, listen what am i trying to tell you in that song,apologize
~HPB
Saturday, February 23, 2013
blue to grey
Promised not to disturb you or even look for you and i did it till now. nevertheless, all i did is that once, messaged you and apologized to you. I did not expect any reply from you since i am the one that ruined our friendship. I over did what i should not do and now i regret of what i did back there. "do what you want, dont regret" a great sentence which i applied it in a wrong way. what if that day, i did not act that way, everything would be just fine and maybe we are able to be good friends. I broke the line, i crossed the border line and you said, i have to accept the consequence what i did and i will accept it. I suffered these days but the blame is on me because i'm the one that ruined our friendship. I will bear this regret forever, a great lesson for me to remember.
I admit that i still care for you, asking some of my friends how have you been. I know it's none of my business anymore but i'm just me. It is normal for me to ask about a person which i care even not directly from the person, which is you, i will still ask news about you from others. I am glad to hear that you are happy as usual, enjoy your days in university with the same routine. it is great to hear that, you still active as usual or perhaps even better. It was great that you put a side this incident in the 'trash', one part of your brain which you categorize things which is not important. or maybe i'm wrong again for thinking you in that way. anyway you never did anything wrong, i'm the one that create those problems. I am a troublemaker, create troubles which does not even exist.
read your blog today, been days i did not go into your blog after that incident happened. Last time i will go into your blog every single day to read the same post again and again. I do not feel bored but just feel like re-read your posts just to know the deep meanings behind the post perhaps. Today, i read your blog and know what happen to you recently. To be exact, i do not know what happen to you recently, i stopped follow you up. So even i know anything about you, it was just the general information you posted in the network.
i was great to know that you were helping in an event which does not need any salary, what we called charity work. Great job, it would be great to help others in need, people would not forget your help. They will expect you the next event and you gave them a very good example. You missed someone, which is perhaps a person used to be very important to you and maybe even now. I do not know but that is just my theory, thinking too much again while i'm too 'free'. You said " sometimes sorry is useless ", yes, i cannot disagree what you said because it's truth because i used that sentence before too. Even your sister suggested you to give a slap straight in my face and i sincerely tell you, if that slap able to cheer you up, go a head, i do not mind. You might think that i'm just saying it here but think about it did i ever break my words? i never take back my words if that really so, so be it,anyway i should deserve it.
you can't forgive me and i know, who can forgive a person which did something so serious and it was so wrong. perhaps time is the only way for us to get back together again, like you said look at the time, see what the time will say. will it be one month? too short? three months? who knows? half of the year? one year? years? how long will it be i will wait patiently, till the day you forgive me and talk to me again. i thank you for taking care of my necklace this period. i miss the time we used to talk and message everyday but i'm the one that ruin the whole thing. I will miss you. i will accept the consequences and do what is necessary. I will be fine perhaps, i need time, a very long one. i'm the one that ruined our friendship so i would not be able to forgive myself too neither do you. time fades everything? i really hope that we can be friends again, talk like last time, everyday, anytime.... last but not least i wanted to let you know that you will always be the 5th one that i fall into and you're the only one that i'm so crazy enough to do that to show how much i really love you. Likewise, i wanted to apologize again what i did that day, i really do, from my bottom of my heart....sorry....i know whatever i speak right now is useless, it's trash. right now, let the time speaks
~HPB
I admit that i still care for you, asking some of my friends how have you been. I know it's none of my business anymore but i'm just me. It is normal for me to ask about a person which i care even not directly from the person, which is you, i will still ask news about you from others. I am glad to hear that you are happy as usual, enjoy your days in university with the same routine. it is great to hear that, you still active as usual or perhaps even better. It was great that you put a side this incident in the 'trash', one part of your brain which you categorize things which is not important. or maybe i'm wrong again for thinking you in that way. anyway you never did anything wrong, i'm the one that create those problems. I am a troublemaker, create troubles which does not even exist.
read your blog today, been days i did not go into your blog after that incident happened. Last time i will go into your blog every single day to read the same post again and again. I do not feel bored but just feel like re-read your posts just to know the deep meanings behind the post perhaps. Today, i read your blog and know what happen to you recently. To be exact, i do not know what happen to you recently, i stopped follow you up. So even i know anything about you, it was just the general information you posted in the network.
i was great to know that you were helping in an event which does not need any salary, what we called charity work. Great job, it would be great to help others in need, people would not forget your help. They will expect you the next event and you gave them a very good example. You missed someone, which is perhaps a person used to be very important to you and maybe even now. I do not know but that is just my theory, thinking too much again while i'm too 'free'. You said " sometimes sorry is useless ", yes, i cannot disagree what you said because it's truth because i used that sentence before too. Even your sister suggested you to give a slap straight in my face and i sincerely tell you, if that slap able to cheer you up, go a head, i do not mind. You might think that i'm just saying it here but think about it did i ever break my words? i never take back my words if that really so, so be it,anyway i should deserve it.
you can't forgive me and i know, who can forgive a person which did something so serious and it was so wrong. perhaps time is the only way for us to get back together again, like you said look at the time, see what the time will say. will it be one month? too short? three months? who knows? half of the year? one year? years? how long will it be i will wait patiently, till the day you forgive me and talk to me again. i thank you for taking care of my necklace this period. i miss the time we used to talk and message everyday but i'm the one that ruin the whole thing. I will miss you. i will accept the consequences and do what is necessary. I will be fine perhaps, i need time, a very long one. i'm the one that ruined our friendship so i would not be able to forgive myself too neither do you. time fades everything? i really hope that we can be friends again, talk like last time, everyday, anytime.... last but not least i wanted to let you know that you will always be the 5th one that i fall into and you're the only one that i'm so crazy enough to do that to show how much i really love you. Likewise, i wanted to apologize again what i did that day, i really do, from my bottom of my heart....sorry....i know whatever i speak right now is useless, it's trash. right now, let the time speaks
~HPB
Saturday, February 16, 2013
failure
I asked her to close her eyes and her hands were busy holding the present i gave her. I give a go with a kiss and everything just not in order anymore. She stunned and shocked what i did to her, said "too over" and she turned and walked away. I wanted to explain but it seems situation is far worst, i never got the chances to talk to her anymore. I actually hurt her mentally and physically, i should not have done that but it was already done,it was too late and i feel regret now...
are you reading this? or perhaps not anymore, what i did to you, i can feel that it's very painful. I'm so sorry, even i apologize, i believe i cannot never be forgiven. Nevertheless, give me the chance to explain why right here; why do i kiss you fist at the first place because i want you to know how much i really love you and the courage i put on, the bet i put on. However i lost my bet, i lost everything. I hugged you but you ask me to let go and i did. I hugged you because i want you to calm down and give back what you used to lost. I wanted to confess to you but it was too late. I regret what i did, i should not have done that...
I'm just a friend of yours, like you very much, nothing else. I am nobody in your eyes actually. I messaged you, you seen but no reply so i just thought that you're busy. Try to think positively all the time. I tried few times then i started to notice what are you doing actually. You are avoiding me and right now i no longer have the rights to talk to you anymore nor see you till you forgive me but i think you will never forgive what i did back there. What i did back there, it was something very serious and i have to accept the consequences. I will let you go...i will never able to forgive myself what i did.
the present i prepared, i know you will not accept it after what i did to you but please do not give it back to me. I would not accept it back too then please throw it away. Just throw it away, what i prepared it was nothing anymore. Since i already screwed up the whole thing, that little box would not help a thing anymore. however, i hope that you will at least open it and see what was it inside. after that, it is up to you what will you do to it. right now all i care is can we be friends again? i would not put my hope on you anymore, just friends...but it's your right whether you want to be friends with me anymore. you can ignore me, you can hate me, you can do not forgive me...it's your choice. I will respect your decision. for now, i will vanish in front of you...you would not be happy seeing me so i know what should i do. I will stop looking for you, I will stop disturbing you. I do not have the rights to read your stuffs anymore. i will be a person which you never knew from the start. Unless you forgive me which is impossible i know but perhaps very long time, I will wait even its gonna be long or maybe forever. it's a very hard thing for me to do but I will endure..
thanks for everything.....everyone...
" regret is painful than the pain when a person heartbroken "
i just wish that i can fly back to the time and stop myself doing that.....
"we are not friends, we are just strangers with memories" i do not wish this happen but things are serious, i have no rights to speak nor choose
take your time, take all you need and i'm sorry what i did back there, my friend...
i red your blog, whatever i say right now is useless. I thank you for not slapping me on site, I will do what is necessary, i will accept what i need to do, the consequences and everything. I understand now but it's too late. Nevertheless please let me say this ,one last word i wanted to say my friend "sorry"
~HPB
are you reading this? or perhaps not anymore, what i did to you, i can feel that it's very painful. I'm so sorry, even i apologize, i believe i cannot never be forgiven. Nevertheless, give me the chance to explain why right here; why do i kiss you fist at the first place because i want you to know how much i really love you and the courage i put on, the bet i put on. However i lost my bet, i lost everything. I hugged you but you ask me to let go and i did. I hugged you because i want you to calm down and give back what you used to lost. I wanted to confess to you but it was too late. I regret what i did, i should not have done that...
I'm just a friend of yours, like you very much, nothing else. I am nobody in your eyes actually. I messaged you, you seen but no reply so i just thought that you're busy. Try to think positively all the time. I tried few times then i started to notice what are you doing actually. You are avoiding me and right now i no longer have the rights to talk to you anymore nor see you till you forgive me but i think you will never forgive what i did back there. What i did back there, it was something very serious and i have to accept the consequences. I will let you go...i will never able to forgive myself what i did.
the present i prepared, i know you will not accept it after what i did to you but please do not give it back to me. I would not accept it back too then please throw it away. Just throw it away, what i prepared it was nothing anymore. Since i already screwed up the whole thing, that little box would not help a thing anymore. however, i hope that you will at least open it and see what was it inside. after that, it is up to you what will you do to it. right now all i care is can we be friends again? i would not put my hope on you anymore, just friends...but it's your right whether you want to be friends with me anymore. you can ignore me, you can hate me, you can do not forgive me...it's your choice. I will respect your decision. for now, i will vanish in front of you...you would not be happy seeing me so i know what should i do. I will stop looking for you, I will stop disturbing you. I do not have the rights to read your stuffs anymore. i will be a person which you never knew from the start. Unless you forgive me which is impossible i know but perhaps very long time, I will wait even its gonna be long or maybe forever. it's a very hard thing for me to do but I will endure..
thanks for everything.....everyone...
" regret is painful than the pain when a person heartbroken "
i just wish that i can fly back to the time and stop myself doing that.....
"we are not friends, we are just strangers with memories" i do not wish this happen but things are serious, i have no rights to speak nor choose
take your time, take all you need and i'm sorry what i did back there, my friend...
i red your blog, whatever i say right now is useless. I thank you for not slapping me on site, I will do what is necessary, i will accept what i need to do, the consequences and everything. I understand now but it's too late. Nevertheless please let me say this ,one last word i wanted to say my friend "sorry"
~HPB
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Recently
These days i have been different, in almost every part of my personality or should i say the original me. I have been acting naughty like what i did in my secondary life, being so talkative , daring and lastly, something which i'm still doing, not taking good care of my health. Hitting walls there and here like nobody business, being acting like a bad boy around but i am a bad boy after all. One of the bad habit coming back too, drinking. I promised not to touch alcohol anymore but i broke that in the end, should say that promise no longer apply on me, it's a pass, i'm focusing in present now.
Besides these habits, these days i love to speed, i mean any where , anytime, when i feel like too even though i know i will lose in that race but i just feel like doing so. This is because it able me to stop thinking other stuffs but to focus in my driving. One mistake, it takes my life. The day i put my car in the workshop, i actually raced at the hill with a car. I really do not even care about my safety and just drive like i'm in a illegal race. The music was so loud , it motivated me even more. Half way of it, i actually stopped. I stopped because of two things, i was scared, i was asking myself what did i just did and i was thinking of you too.
There are friends asking me how am i these days, especially my second heart. There's a boy actually chasing her so i did not really contact her anymore. That's our promised, i wouldn't involve in this things anymore. I dislike misunderstanding. Moreover these days i was busied with proposals and quiz. Even that i'm so busy i will still take out sometime to talk to her. Even after i read her blog, i feel like she does not really like me or perhaps it's truth that she does not like me. Even so whether she likes me or not, i will still like her, i really cant let her go. I know i will suffer but this is what i have chosen from the beginning.
Today, we dance buddies have steamboat at our university, it was quite exciting because our university actually do not allow foods to be brought into class and we actually did that and it's a potluck. Before that, suddenly i have a breakdown, i dont know why, so i walk to the hall where the piano is. Played songs to find out why and i actually found out why but that's what i have chosen. As long i like her, even she likes someone else, then let it be, i can't change her mind, even I suffer. We had a 'truth or dare' game just now. It was fun, for friends that knew me for sometime, they know that i will take truth instead of dare because truth is just speaking, i dont mind sharing my secrets, it's a golden opportunity actually to ask me something. Due to my mysterious personality and i kept my secrets very tight. For a while, the fork point towards me and i chose truth. there is something happened after that.
everyone agree to ask me three girls that i like and rank them from 3rd to 1st. I was stunned there and look at her, she was drinking her drink or biting the straw. They said photos are acceptable if they do not know them so i show my second heart for the 3rd rank, my ex for the second. Guess what the first, my friends were waiting for my answer and i was looking at her. Inside my heart, i was like, this will change everything and i know something might going to happen. Bad or good, i have to admit that, i cant lie to myself. I told my friends who is the girl i like the most there, after answering i didn't look at her. A friend said that i have the guts to say it out. Actually it's not about guts, it's i'm afraid that something will happen after saying it. After my turn, it's her turn, i wish i can stay longer but time is crawling in front of my door, i have to leave, i did not have the chance to know more about her or play with her.
i speed home, reached home, it was raining. I came out from the car, i actually look up at the sky. Looking at the rain falls on my face and i almost wanted to drop my tears. I was thinking what i did just now, was it right? telling others the truth behind i hide from others that i like her. Now i just feel like drinking more and get drunk to sleep, next day i will suffer like hell because intake of alcohol. I have sensitive stomach. Even i know that, i still feel like drinking because of what? what am i actually thinking right now? i.....really fall for her.
~HPB
Friday, February 1, 2013
Unexpected
Love, something which is complicated that related to relationship. Normally things will turn bad from good after a girl whom you like knows that you like her or you love her. There are two outcomes will happen, one of it, cold war occurred which means total stranger and another which commonly happened, said taking you as friend but ended up total stranger too. These happened to me and i was thinking that the same thing is going to happen to me again. I was thinking how am i going to survive this time, thinking that how am i going to let you go. However, i'm wrong, you did not ignore me, you really mean those words taking me as a friend of yours.
I red your blog the next day after i gave you my blogger link because i have the feeling that you will post a new post. That night after giving you my link, i was thinking that everything ends. Let things go by its own, let it be in its way. Hope, it's not something which i bear since the last time what happened when i was with my ex. Nevertheless, i was thinking that whether we are able to be friends again even after you know that i like you. It's stupid to think about it because i will never get the answer. Due to the feelings i have for you, all i wish it's even you do not like me, please do not ignore me. Even though, you do not like me, as long you take me as friend, i will be fine.
I do feel pain after reading your blog but not as pain as i thought so because you did something which i never expected, you still take me as friend. You did not ignore me, you still replies my message. You said and you did, not what my ex did to me. That is more than enough to cover the pain so what's left, i need time to pull myself back from crossing the line.
today, i went dinner with my friends and we were taking about relationship. I told them that i really hard to fall for girls and so far there are 5 of them that i fell. the first happened when i was young around 8 years old, consider that as puppy love. The second one, it's my second heart; third, it's one of my sisters, me as a third party; forth, my ex which i put all my trust and loyalty in it but everything just vanish in a blink and last it's you i fall. I did not tell them who is the last one, the fifth. I just tell them that it's secret. However one of them knew my secrets and she asked me whether do i still like the fifth one. If i answered that i'm not, i'm lying. It's impossible for me to say no, i really like you.
it's hard for me to let go but it does not mean that it's impossible, i need time for that. I like her, i really do. After reading her blog, i found one thing which is interesting. It is about one sided love; a guy asked a girl that isn't that suffering to love a person which the person does not love you? The girl actually answer that guy that even though you do not love me, as long i love you, i'm still in love, i'm not heart broken. It's kinda funny but it makes sense. Somehow this actually recalled what i did for my ex but that's passed.
I'm glad that you're still taking me as friend but i will still like you. I will still care for you even though you will feel disturbing. At least, you will remember me being there for you. You can find me whenever you want, i will absolutely be there for you as a friend. I want to be a friend which you can rely on, a friend that able to be there for you when you need someone the most, a friend which you can able to share your stuffs or secrets, a friend which you are able to trust, a friend which you can like or hate, more importantly, you'll can never feel alone, even the whole world against you, you have me beside you.
~HBP
I red your blog the next day after i gave you my blogger link because i have the feeling that you will post a new post. That night after giving you my link, i was thinking that everything ends. Let things go by its own, let it be in its way. Hope, it's not something which i bear since the last time what happened when i was with my ex. Nevertheless, i was thinking that whether we are able to be friends again even after you know that i like you. It's stupid to think about it because i will never get the answer. Due to the feelings i have for you, all i wish it's even you do not like me, please do not ignore me. Even though, you do not like me, as long you take me as friend, i will be fine.
I do feel pain after reading your blog but not as pain as i thought so because you did something which i never expected, you still take me as friend. You did not ignore me, you still replies my message. You said and you did, not what my ex did to me. That is more than enough to cover the pain so what's left, i need time to pull myself back from crossing the line.
today, i went dinner with my friends and we were taking about relationship. I told them that i really hard to fall for girls and so far there are 5 of them that i fell. the first happened when i was young around 8 years old, consider that as puppy love. The second one, it's my second heart; third, it's one of my sisters, me as a third party; forth, my ex which i put all my trust and loyalty in it but everything just vanish in a blink and last it's you i fall. I did not tell them who is the last one, the fifth. I just tell them that it's secret. However one of them knew my secrets and she asked me whether do i still like the fifth one. If i answered that i'm not, i'm lying. It's impossible for me to say no, i really like you.
it's hard for me to let go but it does not mean that it's impossible, i need time for that. I like her, i really do. After reading her blog, i found one thing which is interesting. It is about one sided love; a guy asked a girl that isn't that suffering to love a person which the person does not love you? The girl actually answer that guy that even though you do not love me, as long i love you, i'm still in love, i'm not heart broken. It's kinda funny but it makes sense. Somehow this actually recalled what i did for my ex but that's passed.
I'm glad that you're still taking me as friend but i will still like you. I will still care for you even though you will feel disturbing. At least, you will remember me being there for you. You can find me whenever you want, i will absolutely be there for you as a friend. I want to be a friend which you can rely on, a friend that able to be there for you when you need someone the most, a friend which you can able to share your stuffs or secrets, a friend which you are able to trust, a friend which you can like or hate, more importantly, you'll can never feel alone, even the whole world against you, you have me beside you.
~HBP
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Maybe it will
finally today, she is one of my reader in my blog, total of 5 friends of mine able to read my blog. I kept it from others because there's too many secret in my blog. This might be my last post for this month and this might changed after she read my blog. Today the event going to start at 6pm and it ends at 8pm after that everyone might have party after the music drama. Most importantly, i do hope that they will not order any alcohol or else I will really in deep trouble. Due to these days, I have things running up and down in my head, I afraid that I will spill out some secrets. mood swag, drink a little able to kill in me in instant.
However somehow I do hope that I'm drunk because i'm able to confess to her but its ridiculous . who would believe words that spoken from a person which is drunk. when a person is drunk, he can says whatever he wants but the things which spilled out, it's the truth behind. I thought that I wouldn't fall into relationship anymore, more like love a person anymore because of what happened the last time, it gave me so much pain. Now sitting beside her listen to the piano song I taught her. I feel very calm and more alive beside her. I always feel that i'll cheer up whenever she's there. Thinking what will happen after she read my blog, will she stop talking to me? Will she avoid me? I like her and that's the fact, I can't let her go and it's true. I fell into a deep pit which I'm unable to climb up and she is the one that lift me up unknowingly because she didn't know anything about what happened to me, I think. Nevertheless now she will know.
That day I had my talent competition, I played 'flower dance' because she likes it and its my favorite too. I entered final not because of the song but the feelings she gave me. Through out the piano play I was thinking of my ex , the pain she gave me and half way I thought of HER. The whole play changed , I asked some of my friends what did they hear from the song I played. One of them said she felt hope , a weak and fading hope and another one said sorrow. Why do i feel fading hope because of what my friend said, "don't hope too much but she supports me" ask me to add on and i did. i always do. They felt what I want to express, a journey which I went through these days. Hope that she was there that time to listen what I play because it was for her. The best way to understands me is when i play a piano officially or when i'm alone.
Today first time in my life, i have make up materials on my face, it looks weird on me but have to get use to it since I'm going to join lot events. Make up is kinda compulsory. Tears keep flowing out when they did something at my eyes. I look at her, she looks so cute and beautiful. Finally, I understand the feeling of a solid heart melt into a liquid form. I really fall for her. The final competition that will hold next week, I decided to play a medley. A medley that will tell her everything about me, what happened around me and what she is to me. Will she be there? if she's there, I wonder what she will feel from the play. I'm letting things go on own its on now, i do still chasing her but i must bear this in mind. love cannot be force, it would not bring happiness. Whether she likes me or not, at least she knows that there is someone that able to accept her weakness, wanted to be there for her, wanted to care for her, like her, love her and i really mean what i said. Though i study in a different block with her, i will still go to the block which is opposite her studied block to play the piano. I need to prepare for my final. I dont play for the price but i play for those that want to listen to my song and i hope that she is one of the audience.
~HBP
However somehow I do hope that I'm drunk because i'm able to confess to her but its ridiculous . who would believe words that spoken from a person which is drunk. when a person is drunk, he can says whatever he wants but the things which spilled out, it's the truth behind. I thought that I wouldn't fall into relationship anymore, more like love a person anymore because of what happened the last time, it gave me so much pain. Now sitting beside her listen to the piano song I taught her. I feel very calm and more alive beside her. I always feel that i'll cheer up whenever she's there. Thinking what will happen after she read my blog, will she stop talking to me? Will she avoid me? I like her and that's the fact, I can't let her go and it's true. I fell into a deep pit which I'm unable to climb up and she is the one that lift me up unknowingly because she didn't know anything about what happened to me, I think. Nevertheless now she will know.
That day I had my talent competition, I played 'flower dance' because she likes it and its my favorite too. I entered final not because of the song but the feelings she gave me. Through out the piano play I was thinking of my ex , the pain she gave me and half way I thought of HER. The whole play changed , I asked some of my friends what did they hear from the song I played. One of them said she felt hope , a weak and fading hope and another one said sorrow. Why do i feel fading hope because of what my friend said, "don't hope too much but she supports me" ask me to add on and i did. i always do. They felt what I want to express, a journey which I went through these days. Hope that she was there that time to listen what I play because it was for her. The best way to understands me is when i play a piano officially or when i'm alone.
Today first time in my life, i have make up materials on my face, it looks weird on me but have to get use to it since I'm going to join lot events. Make up is kinda compulsory. Tears keep flowing out when they did something at my eyes. I look at her, she looks so cute and beautiful. Finally, I understand the feeling of a solid heart melt into a liquid form. I really fall for her. The final competition that will hold next week, I decided to play a medley. A medley that will tell her everything about me, what happened around me and what she is to me. Will she be there? if she's there, I wonder what she will feel from the play. I'm letting things go on own its on now, i do still chasing her but i must bear this in mind. love cannot be force, it would not bring happiness. Whether she likes me or not, at least she knows that there is someone that able to accept her weakness, wanted to be there for her, wanted to care for her, like her, love her and i really mean what i said. Though i study in a different block with her, i will still go to the block which is opposite her studied block to play the piano. I need to prepare for my final. I dont play for the price but i play for those that want to listen to my song and i hope that she is one of the audience.
~HBP
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Facts and acceptance
it has been days i didn't write anything in my blog because there are too many things happened around me. I have been thinking a lot recently, most of them are sad memories. Since they are sad memories, my heart do not feel comfortable, i have health problem and i'm letting this affecting me. how great is it, what's more important than health? I have been telling myself continually not to forget to take care of my health. However i'm still the same, i do not care of my health even my condition got worst. I broke one of the promises i made with my second heart, that's not hurting yourself. i ended up hitting the stage, the floor and the sandbag. I mean really hard hitting i made, it's like i do not want my arm anymore, pain relief the frustration inside my heart? perhaps so.
these days i have been asking myself to stop thinking and dreaming things which will not happen. I need to learn to accept facts. I read her blog, knowing that there's something happened. Even before reading her blog, the day before when we have our supper in a mamak stall, i did notice that she's not alright but what can i do? I just walk away like i did not see anything. After reading her blog the next day, i'm glad that there's actually someone there for her. That's a great thing to know and that guy actually cheered her up. That's something which i cant do so i think who ever reading this should know what am i trying to say. I admit that i was jealous that the guy is not me but i have to accept the fact that i cant do what the guy did for her. Besides, it's not the first time that the guy actually appear in front of her when she needs someone the most. She felt comfortable and happy being with that guy, i can feel that, should say i can see that.
Besides it's been a while that i didn't message her continuously. When a guy like a girl, he will normally message the girl whenever the girl replied. However i didn't do that anymore, not that i don't want to. I have to know that does she really feel happy accepting my message? Now seriously, i got the feeling that i'm disturbing her. She's busy with others and i'm interrupting her. I accept her weakness but it seems she wouldn't be able to accept mine. Besides, there's a guy better than me, able to be there for her. I believe that guy able to accept her weakness too and she is able to accept that guy's weakness. All the things that i mention about that guy it's just a theory of mine, it might not be truth but normally it does. Observation is a curse in my life. Even things which is not obvious, i will make up a theory and prove it. I talked to my friend today, he asked me how to chase a girl. I explain to him my experience and he understood what exactly i want to explain. Chasing a girl is not what we call run after a girl. Chasing a girl, it simply means that you care for the girl and be able to be there for her when she needs you the most. Understanding is the most important thing in a relationship, i told that to my friend. These days, i have been frustrated because of this. Do i really understand her? She knows that i like her but she does not show me whether she likes me or I can't see it. So i have to make a decision, at first, i made that let her be with that guy, she will be happy, that's what i want to see. her smiling face, wasn't that great? during the practice just now, i understand of one thing that i can't let her go. I actually cant, why? i just went out from the practice hall and find a room to settle down.
i on my phone music, sad memories pop up and sitting alone in a cold freezing room. I wonder why do i feel uncomfortable from my heart. I just cross my arm to comfort myself, keep myself warm and hit my heart a little. I feel pain but i actually feel better after hitting it. Try to think positively and be open minded, walk into the practice hall again. I think i covered up the whole situation exactly what happened to me. I was wearing my fake smile the whole day in utar. so the fact is there, whether i can accept it and move on, decision, i actually asked myself to let her go perhaps. Maybe she is just a person which i feel comfortable to be with right now. However i don't think it's that way, the feelings that i actually have, it's very different from other. what should i do? stop or continue chasing her? I want to wish her good night everyday but it seems too much. Nevertheless, i do think that girls like boys wish them good night to end their day. I really do like to wish her, i really do.
under frustration, dont know what kind of decision to make, i like her. My friend asked me not to put too much hope in it but it's too late, i actually put a lot of hope in it. So ended up, i'm the one that get hurt again. me being naive i think, too kind, ended same thing happened. The one thing that i can confirm from the beginning, i have feelings for her and even till now, i still do.
~HPB
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