currently and recently

i was planning to study at this time but somehow i just feel like writing down what is in my mind today and what happened these days. degree life, just hand in some of my assignments days ago, at the same time get some 'feedback' from my lecturer. it is time for me to start reading perhaps in order for me to improve more on my grammar and vocabulary. I thought i am able to let things go and focus in my studies but i am wrong. i am too easily influenced by surroundings, memories, environments which shows me that i am actually weak. To be more exact, i am mentally tired and this affects my physical health which is one word to describe myself right now, dumb

suffer pain from left chest and all i do is keep quiet, right hand put on the chest and just act nothing happen. blood pressure shot up sometimes which is able to let me know by having headache. i think the next month i will be doing more exercises to build a better body. talking about exercise, reminds me dancing. i love to dance and seriously i mean it but these days i do not know why, i felt that i am so left out. perhaps thinking too much? my dance buddies, they are busied preparing flash mob for the next intake, i am interested but the practice time they set makes me hard to join them. in addition, of course they would not because of me change another day right? so let them perform this time without me perhaps, i wish i can join them but i am afraid that i cannot catch up with their steps. anyway i am just a newbie, it takes time for me to remember steps. one partner, no longer a newbie, he went for dance classes, haha i am proud and currently he is better than me. i think i am the weakest dancer among them. perhaps, the passion of dance in them is greater than mine, for now all i can do is dancing in my own living room, parkour, bboy and hip-hop. for them, dancing perhaps is an important activity to them and that is why they put so much passion on it, for me i dance will pleasure and do not dance for a purpose but i dance because i simply enjoy it. recalls the first time i dance as a bboy in secondary school just because there is a boy which dance hip-hop challenged me. hahaha so right now, i am still thinking whether should i join the flash mob. they even join showcase which will hold on june or july, they have new groups and partners and of course i am not inside because i am not as good as them hahaha who am i? besides, it holds on weekends so i believe they would not call me because they should know i cannot make it. so this is what i am thinking about my dancing life currently, dance...i wish...but....things would not be the same anymore aren't?

so i keep drinking these days, how great, my bad habit, drinking. i never like drinking, once i start drinking i just have the urge to continue and continue until that i cannot drink anymore, which is almost at the state of being drunk. i just feel like ending my life and just like this, pop, then perhaps everything will be gone, i do not have to worry or even think. like i said, drinking is actually not my thing but i still drink, all because my mind full of negative stuffs. i do not mind drinking alone, anyway drinking alone actually it makes me feel 'better'. i try to cut down my alcohol drinks, it crazily how much i drank. no one likes a drunker so perhaps this is the way to make a girl dislike me? haha alcoholic huh? just drink, who cares?

59 days gone, i read your blog almost everyday, i do not depends on friends anymore to know your update. on the other hand, i actually try to communicate with you but it seems would not work well. i inbox you and you saw it but you do not reply or sometimes you would but mostly....hahaha so what can i conclude here? i do not have the answer with me, i am lost anyway. you posted a post said that dislike means dislike, so i asked you a question and you answered. i know recently you like a boy, i cannot do anything because it is none of my business. all i can do is reading your blog and see your updates in your status. even sometimes i have the urge to text you but you do not seem to read it anyway even if i sent them. it is hard for you to find a guy isn't it? why not give yourself a chance? i know you went through worst, afraid of breaking up and arguments but think about it, you are too negative and naive to think that way. perhaps and maybe this guy will change your life? why don't you give a try? i do not expect you to find me anyway, i'm just an acquaintance to you right now, no longer friend....that's the consequence what i did back that day. blaming myself for being so rush, even knowing that you dislike me, i thought that i am able to change that but it became worst. who to put the blame on? of course me...

write so much, every single words above it is everything i wanted to type out from my heart. somehow i feel better typing all out, i cannot take pressure anymore. friends has been using one word to describe me "weak" so i am weak? perhaps so, i look strong in front of you guys but when i am down, none of you notice haha i am just so good in hiding them. fake smile, when will i able to see my real smile again?

~HPB

Real?Fake?

150/82.....haha seriously? how come my blood pressure shot up? why? why at the moment that i'm so busy with my assignments, presentations and finals. is this real? it's like a nightmare coming back,haunting me. blood pressure, had it since last year when i was chasing the third girl that i liked. i mean seriously? i still cannot believe this but i have to admit and accept the fact that it's truth. these days i felt mil pain from my chest, should be from the heart...i never like this feeling, it gives me the feeling that i might not live the next day, how great was it..headache, easily get mad which i don't....health, i never care? perhaps it's truth or maybe not? i do what it's necessary to suppress my blood pressure but ended up why you shoot up? weak? perhaps so...

48 days gone, it's just like a blink, 48 days that i wear my freak face smiling, laughing like a mad man, none of my friends know about it, the truth behind. do you guys really think that i'm happy? the smile faces, i cannot even recognize myself, it's that really me? i cannot even differetiate which smile is real or fake...been fake smiling the whole day in uni or in my outside life. reach home, still smile in front of my parents, am i really gone mad? each time, i only hope to get into my room, why? because there's the only safest place for me to keep from everyone my real face. it's tiring, very i mean. though some of my friends asked me why emo, all i reply them is "i'm not, i'm just tired" haha what a good excuses to run from the truth..

48 days gone, you said you forgive me and you did say dont have to worry about you even as a friend, it's not needed..haha i cant...i still worry for you and still thinking of you...i messaged you because neither i'm worry or just thinking of you but you did not reply. i cannot blame you on this because i know you wouldnt reply me and i do not expect any replies too..you still need time and all i can do it's wait, what am i waiting? waiting for that day to come, it might happen or it might not because everything it's in your hands,it's not mine to choose. wait till that day, see how thing goes.. i might have the courage to let you go..........i still did not take my eyes away from you...knowing that you hurt your knee, please take care alright..no pain, no gain? right? hahaha

yesterday went for the dance practice, saw you, it was like been a long time i did not see you. nevertheless, you did not change a bit...or maybe i dont know? the truth i went for the practice is just to see you, wanted to update myself knowing how have you been. knowing that you're alright so i went off and continue with my busy life. however i do learn something new from you all that day. flash mob, i will learn from alex when i'm free to consult him. from that dance practice, i found out that i'm still the same, i like to look at you dancing. haha stupid me, you feel happy and you really enjoy it. dancing it's part of your life, dont stop dancing...it's the thing which makes me like you...i wish i can dance with you again...chances? i will dance with you as a friend, just as friend which if you allow me...can i? looking at you smile, i will feel better, i will just feel happy. i just dont know why am i thinking that way....i just have that feeling

scars....it can be tangible or intangible;tangible, looking at my hands, the scars that i did before. the blood that i shed haha crazy me isn't it? it's worth to do that? blood drop more than tears, one of my life rule...intangible,i still miss you, scar inside still need time to recover...memories can be happy and sad at the same time....

degree life is busy like hell and now my health condition goes down again. what is this showing me? i'm lost?

~HPB