I was planning to do my revision for my in coming midterm but ended up here. Maybe going to write down some of the things happened around me recently, i might feel better. I felt stressful these days due to assignments and other stuffs which are secretive. anyway straight to the point, there are things bothering me but its not something which i can handle. Thus, the only thing i can do is wait or look through it the answer myself. However best answer comes from the actual person so its kinda difficult to open your mouth and it comes to worst if you have estimated the answers to those questions. so, what's the point asking questions which you might already know the answer?
few days ago, bunch of my friends went to counseling room for consultation. I heard that its more like a sharing section for everyone inside there. Too bad, i love to share stuffs but most of my stuffs are secret so its kinda hard for me to do so. Instead of going inside that room, another friend of mine wanted to consult me, asking me what does he need to do and others. here comes another relationship problem, i did that in my secondary school even till now my brothers will come and find me for advice. I do not understand but why do you guys come and find me? I cannot give advice because i also have problems in that. No one is specialist in this, all i can do for them is to be their listener. Listen to their problems and question them and guide them, that's all, i do not give them answers because there's no right and wrong in this case.
and back to where i was, after counseling my friend and its kinda late already and my friends who were in the counseling room opened the door, during the sharing section they actually locked the door. few of my friends went off and some of them stayed. anyway i went in and never thought that i ended up counseling them, my friends. I just shared what i experienced before, nothing else, no craps, all base on what i went through in my life. The counselor concluded me by saying me that my age looks 20 but my brain is 40. Its not something like this, maybe because of my curiosity, i look through things, i scan, i analyze, i investigate, i observe, i tried and these is what i get, experiences.
i never thought that i ended up counselling my friends but one thing that i hope is one of the friends in there able to get what i'm exactly trying to tell her. I know her problems so i'm doing my best to advice her through friends. I want her to wake up from her dream and face reality. This world is cruel and only the strong will survive. Those who are weak will remain weak but if the weak takes the chance and give a try,step forward, its a new beginning for him or her to be strong. Strong cannot be measure as long you have the will with you, nothing can stop you. Spoke for that long, hopefully she will get it one day. they look at me like a pro but you do not know how much i paid for my life, what i went through, the counselor know that. I share and counsel because i do not wish to see you guys to go through the same thing i went through.
Time is all i need, I will eventually let you go. I had a great time with you yesterday, hard to believe but it's happening. It was great to see so many great dancers this time and it was lucky that the vise president has changed haha Anyway the conversation in the car between you and me, yup, you got me that i'm actually in a situation. A simple situation which i actually so stupid not to solve it as soon as possible. However yesterday a sentence of yours struck me and made me realize something. So like i said before and i will say it again, i'm single but i'm not available because relationships or feelings i do not want to touch or even care anymore. All i want to do right now is to focus in my studies, if it wants to happen, it will happen eventually. Thus, i will forget about these as long that ring of mine is on my neck. I'm going to live on what i want to be and forget those feelings and stuffs.
HPB
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
exile begin
don't know when will you be reading my blog but after you read this post i believe there will be changes of you how you view me as.
something happened to me and i have no idea what was it. ever since i changed my personality, things are not the same anymore. Friends changed into strangers. the one that i trust somehow i cannot trust her anymore, i felt that i was trusting the wrong person. Blame myself for being easily trusting on someone. However, she is the only one that know about my secrets among my degree friends, the only one that know me the most i think. Asking myself for so what reason that i reveal so much of my secrets to her. I felt that our friendship is getting further and further away.
today, all i care is about ending the class as soon as possible. i just do not feel like talking to anyone or joining anyone. Walk alone, do my things alone, isolating my friends. Yes, i'm isolating them because i know there's nothing good will come out from me today. I planned to sit far away from them but they reserved a sit for me. normally people will just go to that place and sit but what i did was thinking should i sit with them, should i? because i really have no mood being with them today or maybe forever. I just felt that i'm not suitable to mix with them anymore. or perhaps i know my problem but i cant accept the fact. i think i'm being foolish again for making up theories and trusting them. the successful rate of my theories normally fall between 40-60%. when i said it will be that way, mostly it will happen and i'm not surprise.
"you can like a lot of people but there is only one will give you heartache " this is true. I still need time to let go of K. She gave me memories which i never have in my life. That day i helped her during the open drive for dance club, perhaps that's the only time i was being happy with her. I was smiling and it's a real smile. After the recruitment, we when off together. I was there grumble about my assignments and she was there happily answered me that her assignments are not assign yet. I was try to poke her head, making fun of her, it was the happiest time i have with her i think exclude during dancing of course. Nevertheless, i'm glad that we are still friends. I came across of this sentence "爱一个人,不一定要在一起". I might be doing the same thing but i will let you go eventually so no worries, i'm a man of my words. I never make promises that i cannot fulfill. Now we can be friends is already more than anything you gave me. my friend, anything when you need help, call me or message me i will be there. I mean call me or message me, i do not stay on net all the time like i used to be. I'm sorry that i did not see that message coming that day but next time, message me or give me a thinker is better.letting go is not easy but it does not mean it's impossible, like you said i need time
alright, i'm doing this perhaps for my sake, things will change i believe because not everyone are the same. they have different views on this. some able to accept and continue being friends but there are not too. like i said above, you can like a lot of people, perhaps i like you and you didn't know. I thought that after i let go of K slowly, i might be chasing you after i'm fine but too bad that i'm too late for it. Right now you have a boy friend, all i can do is to wish you to be good to your boy friend. I had a conversation with her yesterday, the conversation turned into an argument. when you changed your status from single to relationship, i was curious whether is true or not. You told our friends that you just having fun but i do not believe that. You're a person which love to play but when comes to this, you would not make fun of it. How do i know? if you remember that you told me that you actually liked a guy when you're in secondary school. since that day, i know what kind of person are you. I might be wrong and very wrong because everything i guess or predict about you are wrong. I have never face this problem before but only you actually make my perceptions all wrong.
i like you and that's why i try to get close to you and wanted to know more about you. You kept your secrets tight, which is good unlike me being explore so much but there's still things which you do not know about me. there are things which are not suitable to write it in blog, there are things which have to be kept forever to yourself. Things which changed my life, the impact and everything. You said that you might be experience than me, if that's what you think so, i do not mind. experiences, i gain them through pains and sufferings. You said that i'm judging you, the problem is am i really judging you? i know that you dislike being judge by someone and i never like to judge anyone too. However if you said that i'm judging you then fine, perhaps i am without noticing it. this is your first relationship so what i can say is appreciate your boy friend, take care of him, show him how much you really meant to him and others you should know what to do. Actually when the time you shared a part of your secrets, i really thought so that it's impossible for us to be together after you have that thinking. However i do not mind to continue being friend with you after knowing that secret of yours. You're afraid that i will stop talking to you or ignore you but at least now you know that i'm not that kind of person.
now you know that i like you so what's your reaction? what is your next step? avoiding me? ignore me? or like me maintain being friends, being close friends? or stranger? it's your call. I just being straight forward telling what i need to tell from my mind, perhaps this able to explain to you what exactly happened to me these days. i wouldn't be myself these days, I still need time to let go of K and suddenly you got into relationship, whether you believe it or not i got the worst feeling i had before "again", feeling which indescribable. now i'm able to give myself a reason to continue dancing. I wanted to stop dancing before that because i lost track of why do i dance but somehow i find the reason now why do i dance, the right reason and the reason for me to continue staying on the floor. I dance with passion not to please anyone, dancing is part of my life, too bad that i do not have the time to join my dance buddies these days. they were busy preparing for their showcase, all the best and gambateh guys! anytime when there is dance practice, inform me, i will definite go for it if there's no clash of anything. K please message me alright if there's any practice. thus exile is what i chose now, isolating from you and my current friends, i will only talk when you guys asked for me,i will help when you guys need one but i wouldn't be the same like what i used to be. i felt that i'm being so stupid for liking someone and friends.....i doubt, hard for me to trust anyone now. I'm so not going into that thing anymore, pain into numb, numb into habit, habit to cold
HPB
something happened to me and i have no idea what was it. ever since i changed my personality, things are not the same anymore. Friends changed into strangers. the one that i trust somehow i cannot trust her anymore, i felt that i was trusting the wrong person. Blame myself for being easily trusting on someone. However, she is the only one that know about my secrets among my degree friends, the only one that know me the most i think. Asking myself for so what reason that i reveal so much of my secrets to her. I felt that our friendship is getting further and further away.
today, all i care is about ending the class as soon as possible. i just do not feel like talking to anyone or joining anyone. Walk alone, do my things alone, isolating my friends. Yes, i'm isolating them because i know there's nothing good will come out from me today. I planned to sit far away from them but they reserved a sit for me. normally people will just go to that place and sit but what i did was thinking should i sit with them, should i? because i really have no mood being with them today or maybe forever. I just felt that i'm not suitable to mix with them anymore. or perhaps i know my problem but i cant accept the fact. i think i'm being foolish again for making up theories and trusting them. the successful rate of my theories normally fall between 40-60%. when i said it will be that way, mostly it will happen and i'm not surprise.
"you can like a lot of people but there is only one will give you heartache " this is true. I still need time to let go of K. She gave me memories which i never have in my life. That day i helped her during the open drive for dance club, perhaps that's the only time i was being happy with her. I was smiling and it's a real smile. After the recruitment, we when off together. I was there grumble about my assignments and she was there happily answered me that her assignments are not assign yet. I was try to poke her head, making fun of her, it was the happiest time i have with her i think exclude during dancing of course. Nevertheless, i'm glad that we are still friends. I came across of this sentence "爱一个人,不一定要在一起". I might be doing the same thing but i will let you go eventually so no worries, i'm a man of my words. I never make promises that i cannot fulfill. Now we can be friends is already more than anything you gave me. my friend, anything when you need help, call me or message me i will be there. I mean call me or message me, i do not stay on net all the time like i used to be. I'm sorry that i did not see that message coming that day but next time, message me or give me a thinker is better.letting go is not easy but it does not mean it's impossible, like you said i need time
alright, i'm doing this perhaps for my sake, things will change i believe because not everyone are the same. they have different views on this. some able to accept and continue being friends but there are not too. like i said above, you can like a lot of people, perhaps i like you and you didn't know. I thought that after i let go of K slowly, i might be chasing you after i'm fine but too bad that i'm too late for it. Right now you have a boy friend, all i can do is to wish you to be good to your boy friend. I had a conversation with her yesterday, the conversation turned into an argument. when you changed your status from single to relationship, i was curious whether is true or not. You told our friends that you just having fun but i do not believe that. You're a person which love to play but when comes to this, you would not make fun of it. How do i know? if you remember that you told me that you actually liked a guy when you're in secondary school. since that day, i know what kind of person are you. I might be wrong and very wrong because everything i guess or predict about you are wrong. I have never face this problem before but only you actually make my perceptions all wrong.
i like you and that's why i try to get close to you and wanted to know more about you. You kept your secrets tight, which is good unlike me being explore so much but there's still things which you do not know about me. there are things which are not suitable to write it in blog, there are things which have to be kept forever to yourself. Things which changed my life, the impact and everything. You said that you might be experience than me, if that's what you think so, i do not mind. experiences, i gain them through pains and sufferings. You said that i'm judging you, the problem is am i really judging you? i know that you dislike being judge by someone and i never like to judge anyone too. However if you said that i'm judging you then fine, perhaps i am without noticing it. this is your first relationship so what i can say is appreciate your boy friend, take care of him, show him how much you really meant to him and others you should know what to do. Actually when the time you shared a part of your secrets, i really thought so that it's impossible for us to be together after you have that thinking. However i do not mind to continue being friend with you after knowing that secret of yours. You're afraid that i will stop talking to you or ignore you but at least now you know that i'm not that kind of person.
now you know that i like you so what's your reaction? what is your next step? avoiding me? ignore me? or like me maintain being friends, being close friends? or stranger? it's your call. I just being straight forward telling what i need to tell from my mind, perhaps this able to explain to you what exactly happened to me these days. i wouldn't be myself these days, I still need time to let go of K and suddenly you got into relationship, whether you believe it or not i got the worst feeling i had before "again", feeling which indescribable. now i'm able to give myself a reason to continue dancing. I wanted to stop dancing before that because i lost track of why do i dance but somehow i find the reason now why do i dance, the right reason and the reason for me to continue staying on the floor. I dance with passion not to please anyone, dancing is part of my life, too bad that i do not have the time to join my dance buddies these days. they were busy preparing for their showcase, all the best and gambateh guys! anytime when there is dance practice, inform me, i will definite go for it if there's no clash of anything. K please message me alright if there's any practice. thus exile is what i chose now, isolating from you and my current friends, i will only talk when you guys asked for me,i will help when you guys need one but i wouldn't be the same like what i used to be. i felt that i'm being so stupid for liking someone and friends.....i doubt, hard for me to trust anyone now. I'm so not going into that thing anymore, pain into numb, numb into habit, habit to cold
HPB
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
isolation split
i wonder should i put this post in this blog of mine or another, in the end i chose to post it here since i do not even care how people think of me anymore. People comes and goes; cannot accept me then stop acting, leave and i do not mind at all. I do not really know what happened to me but there's one thing i'm sure off is i'm not close to anyone anymore. I'm actually isolating from my friends or perhaps they are isolating me. Have this kind of mind set these days but maybe because i'm lost what i used to be in last semester.
I used to be a joker, love to mix around with others, make fun of others, a person which cannot sit still. I still fool around but i asked myself that what happened to me. i do not talk to my friends like i used to be, i do not join my friends like i used to be, i do not share my stuffs like i used to be, i do not sacrifices myself like i used to be. It's like there's a gab between me and them. Perhaps i changed back how i used to be, my old life. It's been told that "the person which is the noisiest, actually is the loneliest person among his/her friends". This reminds me of my old life, which i had a very lonely life when i was young, that's why i'm able to adapt to loneliness and darkness.
true enough that, i do not talk to my friends as often as before because i do not felt the friendship between us anymore. I do not feel that anymore, you guys gave me the feeling that i'm actually not in your world or someone which is just a pass by traveler. Like i said, i'm use to loneliness and this brings me to test my friends even till now. How you guys going to think about me, it's up to you all. I do it because i want to protect myself from being used, being cheated, being a stranger to you all. after the first semester, i actually able to see who are really my friends and who are not. there are friends that i care too much but what's the point if the person do not even appreciate it.
i have sensitive mind and able to sense things around me, i can felt things which people do not share. I like to observe and investigate but that's my old life and i stopped. I chose to ask rather then searching it by myself unless it is necessary. People has the right to not answer your questions and i respect that so i will only ask once and that's it. I used to ask the same question to the person till he/she got frustrated. I'm a person which think a lot and plan further apart from current situation. My brothers know me more than anyone i believe, they know what kind of person am i. So i do not blame on friends i have right now for not being able to understand or know me. I am a mysterious person if a person really want to know me, you can give a head and try, talk to me and slowly you might able to know what really a person am i. if you really understands me, i will take you as a real friend. I take friendship seriously,i social well with people but it does not mean that i'm making friends with them.
my mind right now just told me to turn back what i used to be in my secondary school life to protect myself, a cold and protective person. I will be a LALA boy. How you guys going to look on me, it's up to you all. friends that know me, ask yourself do you really know me, accept my close friends and brothers,they know my history and what kind of person i really am. think about it you might know my name but not me. My ways, my thoughts, my life, my personality, my habits, my will,my history, what i have been through, there are a lot of things you do not know about me. I will just be myself, accept or cant accept, your choices. I do not have the time to please any of you, i'm tired of this. I helped and i still do so to any of you whoever needs help, i will definitely be there even knowing that i will be betrayed or backstabed or used as tool, it's up to you all whether you appreciate it or not.
"split personality may not be two personalities in a person whether good or bad, it might refers to personality change after a person went through tough time in their life, just to protect themselves"
HPB
I used to be a joker, love to mix around with others, make fun of others, a person which cannot sit still. I still fool around but i asked myself that what happened to me. i do not talk to my friends like i used to be, i do not join my friends like i used to be, i do not share my stuffs like i used to be, i do not sacrifices myself like i used to be. It's like there's a gab between me and them. Perhaps i changed back how i used to be, my old life. It's been told that "the person which is the noisiest, actually is the loneliest person among his/her friends". This reminds me of my old life, which i had a very lonely life when i was young, that's why i'm able to adapt to loneliness and darkness.
true enough that, i do not talk to my friends as often as before because i do not felt the friendship between us anymore. I do not feel that anymore, you guys gave me the feeling that i'm actually not in your world or someone which is just a pass by traveler. Like i said, i'm use to loneliness and this brings me to test my friends even till now. How you guys going to think about me, it's up to you all. I do it because i want to protect myself from being used, being cheated, being a stranger to you all. after the first semester, i actually able to see who are really my friends and who are not. there are friends that i care too much but what's the point if the person do not even appreciate it.
i have sensitive mind and able to sense things around me, i can felt things which people do not share. I like to observe and investigate but that's my old life and i stopped. I chose to ask rather then searching it by myself unless it is necessary. People has the right to not answer your questions and i respect that so i will only ask once and that's it. I used to ask the same question to the person till he/she got frustrated. I'm a person which think a lot and plan further apart from current situation. My brothers know me more than anyone i believe, they know what kind of person am i. So i do not blame on friends i have right now for not being able to understand or know me. I am a mysterious person if a person really want to know me, you can give a head and try, talk to me and slowly you might able to know what really a person am i. if you really understands me, i will take you as a real friend. I take friendship seriously,i social well with people but it does not mean that i'm making friends with them.
my mind right now just told me to turn back what i used to be in my secondary school life to protect myself, a cold and protective person. I will be a LALA boy. How you guys going to look on me, it's up to you all. friends that know me, ask yourself do you really know me, accept my close friends and brothers,they know my history and what kind of person i really am. think about it you might know my name but not me. My ways, my thoughts, my life, my personality, my habits, my will,my history, what i have been through, there are a lot of things you do not know about me. I will just be myself, accept or cant accept, your choices. I do not have the time to please any of you, i'm tired of this. I helped and i still do so to any of you whoever needs help, i will definitely be there even knowing that i will be betrayed or backstabed or used as tool, it's up to you all whether you appreciate it or not.
"split personality may not be two personalities in a person whether good or bad, it might refers to personality change after a person went through tough time in their life, just to protect themselves"
HPB
Monday, June 3, 2013
the broken wing
i wish you are still reading my blog, spend a bit of your time reading this post...it will be long but bear with it for a while because this is what you might want and i'm giving it to you.
"good evening everyone, I'm XXXXX, a pianist who play by hearing. Tonight i'm going to play a song. This song is dedicated to a girl. I wish that she is among you all and listen to this song. This is for You". This is what i said that night, the night which my university have their night ball. There were over 200 of audience that night and it was my first time playing in front of this huge amount of people. Furthermore i said the sentence above which i want to specifically to tell You that i let you go. The song that i played "apologize", people might think that i did something wrong to You and i wanted to apologize, this is just part of the song. The main reason of me playing this song is to forgive myself. Even though that i know you already forgave me but do you really think that after that forgive really ends everything? No! I cannot forgive what i did back there, each and single day i blame myself even after you had forgiven me.
do you know that even a person is forgiven, it's useless too if he cannot forgive himself? perhaps let's have a throw back. I do not boast what i did back there that day,it was the stupidest thing i did in my life. None of my friends actually believe what i did that day because it was not me, i should not have that courage to do so but i only did it on you. I never thought of you and i did it selfishly. Never ask for your permission and just gave a shot. That was it, everything just ended in that one second, our friendship and trust. i broke them and i will never get to gain back that trust anymore. Moreover, you might have phobia closing your eyes too. Everything was too late, when i notice it, it was too freaking late. i regret doing so and it was my mistake. all because of my selfishness and being ignorant. That night, i wanted to confess to you but i made a huge mistake by kissing you first. I was so confident that i could hold you, it was so foolish of me thinking it that way even my friends asked me whether i can handle the situation, they did advice me and some of them supported me, believed me that i could hold it. Nevertheless, everything was not in that way and it gone far worst. I should have waited and confess to you before kissing you. I wanted to ask you to give us a chance even i know that you have not let go of your very love one but i never got the chance to ask you. I'm sorry for making you cried on that night. You asked others that what if it happened to them, they answered you they will slap that guy and walked away. You did not do so that night, you just walked away from my sight and i was standing there like a man without a heart beating. Tears were flowing out and my brain just gave me the answer that everything is finished.
You gave back the present i prepared for you for valentine's day.
I have no idea whether did you even look at it but after what i did back there, i think you threw it away without even take a glance on it. The photo above shows a rose was folded patiently, the hand band that i searched for sometime and shop to shop, i wish that you will like it because it was modified by me. I added a metal naruto symbol on it to make it nicer since you like naruto so much and a so called confess letter. what's passed pass but memory will stay in our mind, i did what i'm best in to make a person happy but ended up, i made a wrong mistake and everything just from beauty to shit.
since that day, i never forgive myself what i did back there even after you forgave me, the posts that i wrote, i thought that after you forgive me, i will be fine but it gone worst. I cannot feel myself anymore, i was like totally lost then i only notice that i actually not seeking just for your forgiveness but mine too. That night, i lost everything, my pride, my dignity, myself and you. You forgave me and asked me to live on and start a new life of mine and i really tried. Nevertheless, i cannot, each freaking time, i cannot control of myself, i felt that i'm lost, freaking lost in the space. I cannot focus in my studies and i cannot even enjoy myself. I was fake smiling all the time whenever i step out from my room. My parents do not even know a single thing happen to me, i stay strong and act like nothing happened. When it comes that i'm alone at home, the feeling of mine will go worst, i cannot stay at home alone anymore not like before. Before that, i can stay alone at home do anything i love to do, dancing, playing piano and exercise. However, after that day i kissed you, the only thing i wish to do is to play piano. Each time i touch it and play it, it straight away stabs my heart. it hurts, it really does and when it comes to playing "apologize" it was even worst. It was like hundred of needles stab into my heart and twist, i suffer like hell, i think you should know that feeling. When it comes to that, i ran up to second floor and hit my sandbag as hard as i could. I do not give a damn how painful it is the hand will ended up, as long it helps me to relief the pain create from my heart. Heartache gives the most painful wound ever. Hitting the sandbag is just like a temporary medicine for me to relief that pain. hands full of scars, sometime twisted accidentally but who cares as long it helps me to relief my heartache for a while. imagine hitting that sandbag and at the same time tears dropping and hands felt numb and pain. Where can i get the permanent medicine to remove this pain of mine? i just have to continue searching and waiting, that's life isn't it..
you miss your ex, whatever he did to you, it gave you a great impact and deep memories which you cannot erase at all. I do not know anything about you, truth enough, i have no rights talking about your ex. Nevertheless, let me say this, give yourself a chance. I believe you can be like last time, you can as long you believe you can but first, give yourself a chance. you will find a better person which able to give you happiness. I admit that i'm very very stubborn for not letting you go. I like you because i saw your kindness, the truth beauty inside you. I like you for already 7 months, January you knew that i like you after i gave you my blog and i was worried that whether you will turn away from me but you did not, i confessed to you on February and being rejected, i have been isolated, been ignore. Which is a huge mistake i did and i never get to gain back that trust. I know that you were avoiding me that few months after i posted a blog that i love you. I messaged you, you do not reply me as fast before, sometimes seen but no replies. That feeling of waiting, you should be able to understand. the truth or dare game made me revealed that i like you the most and i wanted to make a step further. after sometime, i found out that one of the participant played that game with us did ask you about me. You answered that we are not match. I know about that and i still did that to you, this shows how stubborn am i, not how heroic nor brave guy. Simply it shows that i'm a foolish person which is not mature for you. So isn't that is why i'm not match to you because i'm a childish person.....
you changed me and you changed too. I do not know whether anyone told you about this but you really look thinner than before, i heard that you skip meals. Can you PLEASE have proper meals at least in a day, your parents will be worry sick of you if they find out. I miss the time we used to talk in the phone or message you in the phone, i care and i really do till now. I remember i called you when your at jia shin's house for treatment. You were in pain because Jia Shin was helping you to apply medicine on your wound and i was on the phone trying to talk to you to distract you from it but that's history. Now, I'm afraid that if i message you and you do not reply, it will make me thinking of you thinking that "you again, when are you going to stop", am i right? so i stopped. These few days, we danced for our in coming performance and i was very rough each time i talked to you because you asked me to leave you alone and i did. I did not walk close to you nor talk to you when we had our dance break. However do you know that i cannot stand it, seeing you alone sitting there sometimes. freaking worst feeling ever seeing that happens, that's why sometime i will try to pull some dance buddies,our friends over to you to make you happy or busy. I really have the urge to go there to talk to you but can we really like last time play with each other, i doubt that. I'm being selfish for not giving you your own personal space. However as long your on my sight and if you need help even if you do not ask for, i will still help you. I do not care whether people say that i'm naive to think that way or have a purpose for doing so to gain back your trust or whatever rumors they create but at least i know i did the right thing and it makes me feel better doing so.
every single word above, it was bullshit, that's what you think right? it is but i will say the same thing you typed to me when you knew that i like you. What i wrote above, it's from my bottom of my heart, whether you believe it or not, i felt pain from my chest and it is really really painful. My ex gave me a pain which is unforgettable but yours is even painful then hers and this is truth. I thought my ex gave me the most painful memory ever but yours gave me the pain which i cannot bear to stand at all. I took one hour to write this down with my heart creates that pain,was thinking carefully and i wish that i will not make any mistake anymore. that night after that play, again i throw my fame and being humble to announce this song it's for you. This is the last thing i will do for you. I told alex and jia shin about this, they asked me whether it will go worst or better. This is how i answered them "it's her call now, friend or stranger, it's not my choice, i respect her decision, i have no rights at all" what makes me think that way because i remember you asked me "can we still be friends" i broke that, i should have no rights at all or even type this post.....and lastly, i want to tell you that.......go, I let you go now, live the life you wanted, there are dreams that you have not fulfill, go and fulfilled them.....
HPB
"good evening everyone, I'm XXXXX, a pianist who play by hearing. Tonight i'm going to play a song. This song is dedicated to a girl. I wish that she is among you all and listen to this song. This is for You". This is what i said that night, the night which my university have their night ball. There were over 200 of audience that night and it was my first time playing in front of this huge amount of people. Furthermore i said the sentence above which i want to specifically to tell You that i let you go. The song that i played "apologize", people might think that i did something wrong to You and i wanted to apologize, this is just part of the song. The main reason of me playing this song is to forgive myself. Even though that i know you already forgave me but do you really think that after that forgive really ends everything? No! I cannot forgive what i did back there, each and single day i blame myself even after you had forgiven me.
do you know that even a person is forgiven, it's useless too if he cannot forgive himself? perhaps let's have a throw back. I do not boast what i did back there that day,it was the stupidest thing i did in my life. None of my friends actually believe what i did that day because it was not me, i should not have that courage to do so but i only did it on you. I never thought of you and i did it selfishly. Never ask for your permission and just gave a shot. That was it, everything just ended in that one second, our friendship and trust. i broke them and i will never get to gain back that trust anymore. Moreover, you might have phobia closing your eyes too. Everything was too late, when i notice it, it was too freaking late. i regret doing so and it was my mistake. all because of my selfishness and being ignorant. That night, i wanted to confess to you but i made a huge mistake by kissing you first. I was so confident that i could hold you, it was so foolish of me thinking it that way even my friends asked me whether i can handle the situation, they did advice me and some of them supported me, believed me that i could hold it. Nevertheless, everything was not in that way and it gone far worst. I should have waited and confess to you before kissing you. I wanted to ask you to give us a chance even i know that you have not let go of your very love one but i never got the chance to ask you. I'm sorry for making you cried on that night. You asked others that what if it happened to them, they answered you they will slap that guy and walked away. You did not do so that night, you just walked away from my sight and i was standing there like a man without a heart beating. Tears were flowing out and my brain just gave me the answer that everything is finished.
You gave back the present i prepared for you for valentine's day.
I have no idea whether did you even look at it but after what i did back there, i think you threw it away without even take a glance on it. The photo above shows a rose was folded patiently, the hand band that i searched for sometime and shop to shop, i wish that you will like it because it was modified by me. I added a metal naruto symbol on it to make it nicer since you like naruto so much and a so called confess letter. what's passed pass but memory will stay in our mind, i did what i'm best in to make a person happy but ended up, i made a wrong mistake and everything just from beauty to shit.
since that day, i never forgive myself what i did back there even after you forgave me, the posts that i wrote, i thought that after you forgive me, i will be fine but it gone worst. I cannot feel myself anymore, i was like totally lost then i only notice that i actually not seeking just for your forgiveness but mine too. That night, i lost everything, my pride, my dignity, myself and you. You forgave me and asked me to live on and start a new life of mine and i really tried. Nevertheless, i cannot, each freaking time, i cannot control of myself, i felt that i'm lost, freaking lost in the space. I cannot focus in my studies and i cannot even enjoy myself. I was fake smiling all the time whenever i step out from my room. My parents do not even know a single thing happen to me, i stay strong and act like nothing happened. When it comes that i'm alone at home, the feeling of mine will go worst, i cannot stay at home alone anymore not like before. Before that, i can stay alone at home do anything i love to do, dancing, playing piano and exercise. However, after that day i kissed you, the only thing i wish to do is to play piano. Each time i touch it and play it, it straight away stabs my heart. it hurts, it really does and when it comes to playing "apologize" it was even worst. It was like hundred of needles stab into my heart and twist, i suffer like hell, i think you should know that feeling. When it comes to that, i ran up to second floor and hit my sandbag as hard as i could. I do not give a damn how painful it is the hand will ended up, as long it helps me to relief the pain create from my heart. Heartache gives the most painful wound ever. Hitting the sandbag is just like a temporary medicine for me to relief that pain. hands full of scars, sometime twisted accidentally but who cares as long it helps me to relief my heartache for a while. imagine hitting that sandbag and at the same time tears dropping and hands felt numb and pain. Where can i get the permanent medicine to remove this pain of mine? i just have to continue searching and waiting, that's life isn't it..
you miss your ex, whatever he did to you, it gave you a great impact and deep memories which you cannot erase at all. I do not know anything about you, truth enough, i have no rights talking about your ex. Nevertheless, let me say this, give yourself a chance. I believe you can be like last time, you can as long you believe you can but first, give yourself a chance. you will find a better person which able to give you happiness. I admit that i'm very very stubborn for not letting you go. I like you because i saw your kindness, the truth beauty inside you. I like you for already 7 months, January you knew that i like you after i gave you my blog and i was worried that whether you will turn away from me but you did not, i confessed to you on February and being rejected, i have been isolated, been ignore. Which is a huge mistake i did and i never get to gain back that trust. I know that you were avoiding me that few months after i posted a blog that i love you. I messaged you, you do not reply me as fast before, sometimes seen but no replies. That feeling of waiting, you should be able to understand. the truth or dare game made me revealed that i like you the most and i wanted to make a step further. after sometime, i found out that one of the participant played that game with us did ask you about me. You answered that we are not match. I know about that and i still did that to you, this shows how stubborn am i, not how heroic nor brave guy. Simply it shows that i'm a foolish person which is not mature for you. So isn't that is why i'm not match to you because i'm a childish person.....
you changed me and you changed too. I do not know whether anyone told you about this but you really look thinner than before, i heard that you skip meals. Can you PLEASE have proper meals at least in a day, your parents will be worry sick of you if they find out. I miss the time we used to talk in the phone or message you in the phone, i care and i really do till now. I remember i called you when your at jia shin's house for treatment. You were in pain because Jia Shin was helping you to apply medicine on your wound and i was on the phone trying to talk to you to distract you from it but that's history. Now, I'm afraid that if i message you and you do not reply, it will make me thinking of you thinking that "you again, when are you going to stop", am i right? so i stopped. These few days, we danced for our in coming performance and i was very rough each time i talked to you because you asked me to leave you alone and i did. I did not walk close to you nor talk to you when we had our dance break. However do you know that i cannot stand it, seeing you alone sitting there sometimes. freaking worst feeling ever seeing that happens, that's why sometime i will try to pull some dance buddies,our friends over to you to make you happy or busy. I really have the urge to go there to talk to you but can we really like last time play with each other, i doubt that. I'm being selfish for not giving you your own personal space. However as long your on my sight and if you need help even if you do not ask for, i will still help you. I do not care whether people say that i'm naive to think that way or have a purpose for doing so to gain back your trust or whatever rumors they create but at least i know i did the right thing and it makes me feel better doing so.
every single word above, it was bullshit, that's what you think right? it is but i will say the same thing you typed to me when you knew that i like you. What i wrote above, it's from my bottom of my heart, whether you believe it or not, i felt pain from my chest and it is really really painful. My ex gave me a pain which is unforgettable but yours is even painful then hers and this is truth. I thought my ex gave me the most painful memory ever but yours gave me the pain which i cannot bear to stand at all. I took one hour to write this down with my heart creates that pain,was thinking carefully and i wish that i will not make any mistake anymore. that night after that play, again i throw my fame and being humble to announce this song it's for you. This is the last thing i will do for you. I told alex and jia shin about this, they asked me whether it will go worst or better. This is how i answered them "it's her call now, friend or stranger, it's not my choice, i respect her decision, i have no rights at all" what makes me think that way because i remember you asked me "can we still be friends" i broke that, i should have no rights at all or even type this post.....and lastly, i want to tell you that.......go, I let you go now, live the life you wanted, there are dreams that you have not fulfill, go and fulfilled them.....
HPB
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