Facts and acceptance

it has been days i didn't write anything in my blog because there are too many things happened around me. I have been thinking a lot recently, most of them are sad memories. Since they are sad memories, my heart do not feel comfortable, i have health problem and i'm letting this affecting me. how great is it, what's more important than health? I have been telling myself continually not to forget to take care of my health. However i'm still the same, i do not care of my health even my condition got worst. I broke one of the promises i made with my second heart, that's not hurting yourself. i ended up hitting the stage, the floor and the sandbag. I mean really hard hitting i made, it's like i do not want my arm anymore, pain relief the frustration inside my heart? perhaps so.

these days i have been asking myself to stop thinking and dreaming things which will not happen. I need to learn to accept facts. I read her blog, knowing that there's something happened. Even before reading her blog, the day before when we have our supper in a mamak stall, i did notice that she's not alright but what can i do? I just walk away like i did not see anything. After reading her blog the next day, i'm glad that there's actually someone there for her. That's a great thing to know and that guy actually cheered her up. That's something which i cant do so i think who ever reading this should know what am i trying to say. I admit that i was jealous that the guy is not me but i have to accept the fact that i cant do what the guy did for her. Besides, it's not the first time that the guy actually appear in front of her when she needs someone the most. She felt comfortable and happy being with that guy, i can feel that, should say i can see that.

Besides it's been a while that i didn't message her continuously. When a guy like a girl, he will normally message the girl whenever the girl replied. However i didn't do that anymore, not that i don't want to. I have to know that does she really feel happy accepting my message? Now seriously, i got the feeling that i'm disturbing her. She's busy with others and i'm interrupting her. I accept her weakness but it seems she wouldn't be able to accept mine. Besides, there's a guy better than me, able to be there for her. I believe that guy able to accept her weakness too and she is able to accept that guy's weakness. All the things that i mention about that guy it's just a theory of mine, it might not be truth but normally it does. Observation is a curse in my life. Even things which is not obvious, i will make up a theory and prove it. I talked to my friend today, he asked me how to chase a girl. I explain to him my experience and he understood what exactly i want to explain. Chasing a girl is not what we call run after a girl. Chasing a girl, it simply means that you care for the girl and be able to be there for her when she needs you the most. Understanding is the most important thing in a relationship, i told that to my friend. These days, i have been frustrated because of this. Do i really understand her? She knows that i like her but she does not show me whether she likes me or I can't see it. So i have to make a decision, at first, i made that let her be with that guy, she will be happy, that's what i want to see. her smiling face, wasn't that great? during the practice just now, i understand of one thing that i can't let her go. I actually cant, why? i just went out from the practice hall and find a room to settle down.

i on my phone music, sad memories pop up and sitting alone in a cold freezing room. I wonder why do i feel uncomfortable from my heart. I just cross my arm to comfort myself, keep myself warm and hit my heart a little. I feel pain but i actually feel better after hitting it. Try to think positively and be open minded, walk into the practice hall again. I think i covered up the whole situation exactly what happened to me. I was wearing my fake smile the whole day in utar. so the fact is there, whether i can accept it and move on, decision, i actually asked myself to let her go perhaps. Maybe she is just a person which i feel comfortable to be with right now. However i don't think it's that way, the feelings that i actually have, it's very different from other. what should i do? stop or continue chasing her? I want to wish her good night everyday but it seems too much. Nevertheless, i do think that girls like boys wish them good night to end their day. I really do like to wish her, i really do.

under frustration, dont know what kind of decision to make, i like her. My friend asked me not to put too much hope in it but it's too late, i actually put a lot of hope in it. So ended up, i'm the one that get hurt again. me being naive i think, too kind, ended same thing happened. The one thing that i can confirm from the beginning, i have feelings for her and even till now, i still do.

~HPB