Maybe it will

finally today, she is one of my reader in my blog, total of 5 friends of mine able to read my blog. I kept it from others because there's too many secret in my blog. This might be my last post for this month and this might changed after she read my blog. Today the event going to start at 6pm and it ends at 8pm after that everyone might have party after the music drama. Most importantly, i do hope that they will not order any alcohol or else I will really in deep trouble. Due to these days, I have things running up and down in my head, I afraid that I will spill out some secrets. mood swag, drink a little able to kill in me in instant.

However somehow I do hope that I'm drunk because i'm able to confess to her but its ridiculous . who would believe words that spoken from a person which is drunk. when a person is drunk, he can says whatever he wants but the things which spilled out, it's the truth behind. I thought that I wouldn't fall into relationship anymore, more like love a person anymore because of what happened the last time, it gave me so much pain. Now sitting beside her listen to the piano song I taught her. I feel very calm and more alive beside her. I always feel that i'll cheer up whenever she's there. Thinking what will happen after she read my blog, will she stop talking to me? Will she avoid me? I like her and that's the fact, I can't let her go and it's true. I fell into a deep pit which I'm unable to climb up and she is the one that lift me up unknowingly because she didn't know anything about what happened to me, I think. Nevertheless now she will know.

That day I had my talent competition, I played 'flower dance' because she likes it and its my favorite too. I entered final not because of the song but the feelings she gave me. Through out the piano play I was thinking of my ex , the pain she gave me and half way I thought of HER. The whole play changed , I asked some of my friends what did they hear from the song I played. One of them said she felt hope , a weak and fading hope and another one said sorrow. Why do i feel fading hope because of what my friend said, "don't hope too much but she supports me" ask me to add on and i did. i always do. They felt what I want to express, a journey which I went through these days. Hope that she was there that time to listen what I play because it was for her. The best way to understands me is when i play a piano officially or when i'm alone.

Today first time in my life, i have make up materials on my face, it looks weird on me but have to get use to it since I'm going to join lot events. Make up is kinda compulsory. Tears keep flowing out when they did something at my eyes. I look at her, she looks so cute and beautiful. Finally, I understand the feeling of a solid heart melt into a liquid form. I really fall for her. The final competition that will hold next week, I decided to play a medley. A medley that will tell her everything about me, what happened around me and what she is to me. Will she be there? if she's there, I wonder what she will feel from the play. I'm letting things go on own its on now, i do still chasing her but i must bear this in mind. love cannot be force, it would not bring happiness. Whether she likes me or not, at least she knows that there is someone that able to accept her weakness, wanted to be there for her, wanted to care for her, like her, love her and i really mean what i said. Though i study in a different block with her, i will still go to the block which is opposite her studied block to play the piano. I need to prepare for my final. I dont play for the price but i play for those that want to listen to my song and i hope that she is one of the audience.

~HBP

Facts and acceptance

it has been days i didn't write anything in my blog because there are too many things happened around me. I have been thinking a lot recently, most of them are sad memories. Since they are sad memories, my heart do not feel comfortable, i have health problem and i'm letting this affecting me. how great is it, what's more important than health? I have been telling myself continually not to forget to take care of my health. However i'm still the same, i do not care of my health even my condition got worst. I broke one of the promises i made with my second heart, that's not hurting yourself. i ended up hitting the stage, the floor and the sandbag. I mean really hard hitting i made, it's like i do not want my arm anymore, pain relief the frustration inside my heart? perhaps so.

these days i have been asking myself to stop thinking and dreaming things which will not happen. I need to learn to accept facts. I read her blog, knowing that there's something happened. Even before reading her blog, the day before when we have our supper in a mamak stall, i did notice that she's not alright but what can i do? I just walk away like i did not see anything. After reading her blog the next day, i'm glad that there's actually someone there for her. That's a great thing to know and that guy actually cheered her up. That's something which i cant do so i think who ever reading this should know what am i trying to say. I admit that i was jealous that the guy is not me but i have to accept the fact that i cant do what the guy did for her. Besides, it's not the first time that the guy actually appear in front of her when she needs someone the most. She felt comfortable and happy being with that guy, i can feel that, should say i can see that.

Besides it's been a while that i didn't message her continuously. When a guy like a girl, he will normally message the girl whenever the girl replied. However i didn't do that anymore, not that i don't want to. I have to know that does she really feel happy accepting my message? Now seriously, i got the feeling that i'm disturbing her. She's busy with others and i'm interrupting her. I accept her weakness but it seems she wouldn't be able to accept mine. Besides, there's a guy better than me, able to be there for her. I believe that guy able to accept her weakness too and she is able to accept that guy's weakness. All the things that i mention about that guy it's just a theory of mine, it might not be truth but normally it does. Observation is a curse in my life. Even things which is not obvious, i will make up a theory and prove it. I talked to my friend today, he asked me how to chase a girl. I explain to him my experience and he understood what exactly i want to explain. Chasing a girl is not what we call run after a girl. Chasing a girl, it simply means that you care for the girl and be able to be there for her when she needs you the most. Understanding is the most important thing in a relationship, i told that to my friend. These days, i have been frustrated because of this. Do i really understand her? She knows that i like her but she does not show me whether she likes me or I can't see it. So i have to make a decision, at first, i made that let her be with that guy, she will be happy, that's what i want to see. her smiling face, wasn't that great? during the practice just now, i understand of one thing that i can't let her go. I actually cant, why? i just went out from the practice hall and find a room to settle down.

i on my phone music, sad memories pop up and sitting alone in a cold freezing room. I wonder why do i feel uncomfortable from my heart. I just cross my arm to comfort myself, keep myself warm and hit my heart a little. I feel pain but i actually feel better after hitting it. Try to think positively and be open minded, walk into the practice hall again. I think i covered up the whole situation exactly what happened to me. I was wearing my fake smile the whole day in utar. so the fact is there, whether i can accept it and move on, decision, i actually asked myself to let her go perhaps. Maybe she is just a person which i feel comfortable to be with right now. However i don't think it's that way, the feelings that i actually have, it's very different from other. what should i do? stop or continue chasing her? I want to wish her good night everyday but it seems too much. Nevertheless, i do think that girls like boys wish them good night to end their day. I really do like to wish her, i really do.

under frustration, dont know what kind of decision to make, i like her. My friend asked me not to put too much hope in it but it's too late, i actually put a lot of hope in it. So ended up, i'm the one that get hurt again. me being naive i think, too kind, ended same thing happened. The one thing that i can confirm from the beginning, i have feelings for her and even till now, i still do.

~HPB

complicated frustration

My uni have a talent competition, my friends asked me to join since i know how to play piano. At first, i do not feel like playing because i'm not good and i never play in front of audience before. However they urged me to join and she's one of them too. I took sometime to make this decision, since i'm going to perform in the night ball, why don't i try to play for this too. The amount of audience in the ballroom is larger than this event. I thought of giving a try and let myself to overcome my fright-stage. I registered the last day of the registration. I chose "flower dance" for my performance. the day before i practiced in the other block of my uni. I thought i will be alone practicing but i met two of my friends and i asked them for opinion which songs should i play. At that time, i have not chosen any songs for the performance. I was down too that moment, it was hard for me to make decision at that time. Which song should i play? every single song i cant really play well since sad memories kept popping out. It will only make the song even down and it wouldn't be nice.

When i practiced, she came in and i was play "Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence", i stopped and look at her. Those sad memories just when off like a storm blow away by a strong wind but there's one memory pop up in my mind. That's i screwed her that day and she looks mad at that time too. Since she was there, i decided to play "apologize" to show my apologies to her on behalf what i did that day. Finish playing, she had to rush to her class so she left. There's one thing that i can confirm after that that is i'm totally fine after seeing her. My brain stop thinking negative stuffs and i'm able to choose which song should i play. I practiced till 4pm, she came in since i already promised to fetch her back. She wanted to learn "flower dance" my best piece, which i don't teach anyone. I'm selfish especially this piece of song. "flower dance" is a song that my friend intro me, i like it so much and i started to play it with piano and improvised it into my version. However, i taught her how to play. It's hard but she have the patience to learn and she really want to learn that song. Honestly, i never thought of teaching anyone this song because this song explains about my life. However i did and i was happy to do so too. Playing piano with her, sit besides her and teach her. she even play some of her pieces, i liked them too. I wouldn't be able to forget that moment with her. It will be a very precious piece of memory in my life.

a friend of mine told me that she knows that i like her and ask me not to hope too much. The reason behind it's because of her character and personality. I told my friend, the main problem its not that. I said i'm able to accept her weakness that's why i play with her all the time. That's why i like her and have the urge to chase her. She is playful but not as crazy as i am in my secondary school. My name was famous, have fame in school and the most surprising event is i had been punch by a teacher. that day on wards,i was so famous in school. After that incident, i totally turned into a different person but still there's part of me that i cant changed. I only reveal it to close friends because others will have problem accepting it. I want to be humble and avoid from any problems, away from troubles. I do not wish to go back how playful am i. Thus i told my friend that i'm able to accept her weakness. Weakness able to change, i'm not going to change her. No one have the rights to change a person's personality or characteristic but only herself. Thus, same goes to me, my weakness, not everyone able to accept it. I like her and she knows that i like her. Now does she likes me? I do not know. I would't do something dumb anymore, it only hurts me at the end. However, i'm still on it even though i know i will get hurt but i cant afford to let go a person which it's important to me right now.

my friend said that i wouldn't be able to accept her behavior and she's not revealing everything yet. Then i will wait till she reveals everything, i will say "are these your weakness? i will accept them" I believe she is more than that. she is special to me, she's like a drug to me now.

"I crossed the line
told myself to pull myself away
but my heart
let go of the rope
and let me go"

~HPB

the day is near

7 days left, i have to fulfill my promise to her. I do not like breaking promises so i will only promise things which i'm able to fulfill. Use too, i will promise anything and do my best to achieve it but after some incident happened, i notice that even though you put all your hard work in it, still there's people will not appreciate it or maybe it's too late for your to fulfill the promise. Not everyone able to wait as it's human nature. Who does not wish to get their things done in a fast way or get the things which they want in a quick way?

I do not like people to wait for me and neither i wait for a person. For me time is very precious, i arrange and plan everything normally before a day or a week before. However, i learn to be more flexible in my time too so i have no problem of sudden event except for big events. However, these days i have been letting people waiting for me, i'll try not to break that rule of mine. I have to arrange my time wisely these days since there's a lot of assignments coming in. i cannot afford to lose myself at this moment. I have been easily stress these days, it's true that my friend said that i bring this problem to myself. Well say, it's truth. I'm not good in handling my own brain.

tomorrow i'm going to perform in front of few judges, i bet they are good. I'm still thinking what should i play. Planning to go to another block of my uni and give a try of every songs. Mood still swinging there and here, i bet none of the songs will be nice but just try to find the suitable one. i hope that no one listen to my play right now, it will only bring those sad memories of theirs. I'm not boasting but it's true because they are able to feel what i'm trying to express through the piano. I do feel bad because they drop their tears because of me. Few friends already experienced that so i wish no one is there listening.

I read her blog this morning, she wrote about herself, who she really is and her characteristic. I told my friend that i like her because she is able to be straight forward. Furthermore, i believe she is more than what she wrote in her blog. I read through her blog before this, i can roughly know her personality. Even if i do not, i do not mind start over to know her. What kind of person is she, i understand because i went through what she had before. Do not changed your personality or characteristic for a person, it's worthless, it only hurts you at the end. I'm able to accept her weakness, like i said, no everyone able to accept mine, even her perhaps? I screwed her yesterday, her face was like so mad but it's my fault because i just screw her straight away. What a gentlemen am i, being so dumb and just release the fire out straight away in her face.

After a while, she calmed down and i wanted to apologize to her but i feel shy so i miss the chance of apologizing to her in a rightful manner. During the practice break, i raise my hand to her because i left my necklace the other day, asked her to keep it for me. Actually, i want her to return to me when she remembers. I do not know why, i raise my hand for, she took the necklace out and wanted to return to me. I refused to take it back because that time i was down due to my memories of my ex. I asked her to keep the necklace for me this period without telling her why and she got mad. I do not mind scold by her but for now, it's better that the necklace keep away from me. I trust her, believe she will take care it for me. When the time is right, i believe she will return to me without me reminding her. Maybe that time, she will understand more what kind of person am i. A different way of letting someone knowing you, it's not obvious or maybe she did not even notice it. However, if she really have interested in me, she would understand at the end.

~HPB

personality to reality

it's 12:10am right now and i should be on my bed sleeping because i have morning class later, i need to wake up at 6am. However, i feel that today i need to write down this. Perhaps i will feel better after writing everything down what exactly happened today, from morning to night.

early morning, i have my multimedia application tutorial, it was awesome. It makes me wanted to learn more and build a website for my own. It's an interesting subject, hopefully that i will not regret saying that because it involves a bit of programming, which will bring me headache. After that, my friends and i went to have lunch together and at the same time to know each other better since we're a group in our assignments. knowing each other better bring better result and outcome? At the same time i will able to know their personality. Before starting any assignments or projects, you need to understand your teammates first. am i right? so i observed them, everything is fine, until i check my facebook.

in facebook, i saw my ex check in at her area having lunch with her friends. Suddenly, i have a break down. "how is she?" the sentence that appeared in my mind. I thought i already let her go totally but seriously when you let it go, it wouldn't be totally. It's impossible to totally forget those memories we had. The things i did and sacrificed, now she is happy over there. She totally forget about me i bet and i have the feeling that actually there's a guy with her. I mean there's actually a guy chasing her. It gives me that kind of feeling, what can i do? it's none of my business anymore. Nevertheless, deep down my heart, i still cant really accept what actually happened. I cant imagine myself looking at her and there's a boy besides her. I look strong physically but not on my mental or should put it on this thing.

friends urged me to be strong, forget about her and let her go. I did, i really did that but still there's small part of it remains. A friend of mine actually said, if i can recover between half of the year, it means that i'm strong. However, there's actually something happened and i'm actually feel better in 2 months later. I met a girl and i bet she does not know anything about my background or perhaps jia shin did tell her my relationship history, I dont know. However recently, the way how the girl that i liked replied me, it's getting cooler? or perhaps i think too much again, there's no love story will happen like in the drama, it's too impossible to believe. Besides, who am i to her, i'm just a friend of hers or just a dance partner. I hardly have problems reading people's mind, she is one of them. I understands her in someway but not every way. I accept her weakness but people normally have problem accepting mine.

my weakness is bad temper but it's already under control. however today, my mood was already down, i screwed her up accidentally just now. when i realized it, it's too late. I was like, great,i screw up the whole thing again, i wanted to apologize to her in a rightful manner, i did apologize to her after screwing her but in a very bad manner. It's so not me, why am i doing this. Regret after that, she did not really talk to me after that. Or should say, recently we do not really talk to each other. I do not know why, perhaps i chase her too obvious but i did cut down everything actions. Maybe it's still obvious, which i cannot see it but people do. Or i do not message her so often i used to do? or she's avoiding me?

will things be complicated like last time? a friend of mine asked me a good question which is will i chase her like last time i did for my ex. I answer him, i wouldn't but it might be exactly the same amount of passion but will be in a different way from my ex. I'm still wander whether it's true, the feeling i found between me and her. It only happens when i dance with her. Only able to confirm it when we able to dance together again.

i registered for a talent competition and i decided to have a piano play. After things happened like this, i was wandering what song should i play. So far in my mind are apologize by one republic, grief and sorrow, flower dance and mr lawrence. it's a hard decision to make since every single song have their own meaning but it's just different level of deepness in it. So which one should i choose? for your info, i have this piano play just to train myself for the in coming performance, i want to train myself that i'm able to play in front of strangers, i want them to feel my music, my life and my feelings that i want to express.

~HPB

pass by or stay on

I started my degree and by counting the classes i attended, there are 6 assignments for me to complete and few presentation to perform. It's going to be a busy semester but I will do my best to score what i want in order for me to get a job out there. Broadcast, a course which i'm interested and i believe i will do better and improve in my career since i'm off from my pure science life. Different life surrounding and environment.

Thus, these were my days, first week in my degree life. Now, come to the main point of this post. Something happened to me, i found out that i will get jealous when i saw my dance partner was having fun with other boys. It is funny, why do i? because i like her? Jealousy is not a good thing but it happened. Friends that close to me, they seems to be able to know how do i look and what's in my mind when i'm in this situation. Honestly, did i cross the line?

I went for lunch with my two friends and told them about that incident. One of them said that it does not related to me, my dance partner is not my girl friend, it's just a friend of mine. Well said, it's truth but it still does not answer why do i feel jealous. First time, i got jealous because of this. I feel weird and another one told me that maybe i already cross the line. Recalled all the things i did, it's true that maybe i already cross the line. Before that i told my friends that i'm not chasing her but actually right now i can say i am. However, i did not chase her like how i did to my ex. It's just to ridiculous and crazy because that time i really take it seriously, end up everything just disappear like this. All the hard work i did, it's in vain. Why am i talking about my ex? back to the main point.

it's true that i'm chasing her and in a slow progress way but recently a friend of mine said that my actions are kind of obvious so i cut down what i did normally, for example, night wishes and asking what is she doing and others. I stopped those actions, hopefully i will get used to it not to message her. I know she will reply my message but that does not mean anything. Everyone does replied their message too so it is something common. Just me sometime, look at the phone, waiting for her reply or hoping her to message me. Mad person am i? it's just too much, i should just let things go on its own. let it be there and it will be there; let it be here and it will be here. I know i will get hurt but there's no happiness if both don't understand each other. I understand her but she does not understand me. Perhaps yes? maybe no.

i can image that after she reads my blog, she will stop talking to me since girls did that when they found out a boy actually like her. They will do everything cold to the boy. Then why not i just let her go? I do not like girls like others, even my friends know that it's very rare for me to talk about girls, girls that i like. So it's very hard for me to like a girl. Here what i can say, she caught my attention, I really like her. when we dance, each time, i'll try to let her trust me completely. I feel there's something between us when we dance but do you felt that too? Or perhaps me thinking too much again. I'm already taking my actions not to 'stick' to her too much in case something happened maybe i can still think positively and move on. So pass by or stay on? i chose to stay on and look further, waiting for the next story to come.

~HPB

facts and feelings

Today, it's a day which i faced up and down, high and low. Mood swag like an ocean with a great wind, nothing for me to grab to stay on spot. Even if i'm able to grab something on, the ocean will still freeze me to death. Thus, today end with a moody night. what exactly happen to me? what happened just now? what did i do? ....

so today, from the morning till evening, i only had three packs of biscuits and a bread. End up, i felt that my body is getting weaker and weaker. I have problems of standing even driving. Lack of nutrition perhaps and more over i did a lot of walking today. I have dance practice in the evening so i went to my friends' house and cook a dish for myself. There are left over from their lunch since i was so hungry so i ate some of their left over dishes. That meal provided me lot of protein, able to restore my strength temporary. I was thinking to take a nap but it did not went as i planned. My friends were watching movie in front of me and i somehow got interested to watch with them too. Everything it was great, i was just too tired.

I was waiting for my dance buddies to call me when they're ready. I look at the time and found out that , it's kinda late already, if they do not take off now; i'm afraid that we will be late for the practice. The practice is not just for the dancer but with the actors this time. So it needs cooperation and teamwork. A dance buddy of mine asked me to fetch my dance partner before fetching others. I went and fetched her, have a short chat with her on the way to other houses. After that, we're off to our practice. everything were good, nothing was wrong.

during our dance practice, i was laughing at the actors the way how they danced. it was so bad of me but i cannot resist it. As usual, should i say bad habit? i look at her when she danced. I do not know, why do i like to look at her. Care for her? or chasing her? why i care so much for? One senior of mine came in during the practice, he's quite close with her. This should not be my problem right? why do i care? great but it ended up, i found out one thing of me, i was being jealous that time. Why so? I was moody after that, trying to cover up. Therefore, i went off that practice room for sometime. Walking alone in the corridor, do some little lightly dance moves to cheer and chill myself. Again, why do i feel jealous? when we're ready to go back, my other dance buddies were asking me why do i look mad. Actually, i was not mad, i was just jealous and ya i admit that there's a little bit of fire in me but i will not burst. Since, that's my problem so i just keep it to myself.

She was the last person i sent home, in the car, she asked me why do i look mad. Of course, i wouldn't tell her why and what is the reason. So i just replied her that it's my problem, it will be solved the next day. It seems that she trusted me on this but actually somehow, it triggers the memories of my ex. I felt the same thing going to happen to me again. in the noon time, one of my dance buddy actually told me that it's kind obvious that i'm chasing her. Now i conclude it, yes, i'm chasing her but not as crazy i used to be.

i know it was childish to be jealous but it's the fact, it happened. what does this really mean? I was frustrated because of this, it's an easy and simple thing yet so complicated. Love cannot be force and i know i'm the one that get hurt in the end. Seeing her enjoying herself, i think that's all i can do as a friend. Can i really do more than that? are we just dance partner? more importantly does she trust me?

I told Jia Shin that i will give her my blog link after that dance event and i bet that she will not talk to me after reading my blog. A great bet but seriously, when something is already numb, it will be numb. i will feel pain, what else can i do? let the heart numb forever then. tears already dried, i wouldn't fall a single drop of tears anymore. I'm a negative person but changed to a better person ,you have not know me yet or maybe you don't have the chance to know about it too. The one that get hurts all the time is the one that chased? one sided love? I think i'm falling into this pit again, am i?

~HPB

care too much

So my degree life is going to start tomorrow and i'm still thinking whether did i made the right choice. I have my pure science foundation cert and chosen the course which does not related to science, a art social science course, communication broadcast-ing.

How it will be? i wander about my degree life, totally different life from my science. No theories but just logic. It will be interesting since a science base student change to a art course. I'm so excited for tomorrow's life but what gave me a shock is my timetable. my class starts from 8am and it ends at 6pm, how great was it. It will be a tiring degree life. However i will do my best.

Today, i went to my uni to get my course timetable and after that my friends and i decided to go to somewhere to play. I promised to bring one of them to a place if she failed. I did not break my promise so i bring her and others to somewhere to enjoy themselves. At first, things does not go smoothly but end up we able to reach our destination. It's kinda weird to eat ice-cream in a cold place but it's fun too. Cold to freeze. Most importantly, they enjoy. I understand how they feel and all i can do is to motivate them and make them happy if i'm able too. They have been with me when i'm downed. A good way to repay them perhaps?

It was so tiring so i did not go my dance practice. when i thought of that, actually i was thinking of her before thinking of the practice we're going to have tonight. Thinking of her wounds so i decided to call her and talk to her. I ask her not to force herself and ask how was her wound. Part of the reason why i did not go for the dance practice is because i'm lazy, which is true and another reason is because i want her to rest. I do not wish to see her wound get serious, thought she went for the practice but luckily they were practicing easy dance step so she will be alright i think then i hung up.

after calling her, i have another call from my second heart. She does not feel well,i can hear it from the phone. Hopefully she will recover as soon as possible, have a long talk with her. In the conversation, i can hear there's something she wants to tell me but she just forgets what it is. A long story perhaps? It's alright, it not something which is rush though, take your time and think. I will always be your ear so you can tell me anything you want and no worries, it will be kept by me and only me. After an hour if i'm not mistaken, there's a call. It's impossible for me to talk to two phones. Thus, i ask my second heart to sleep early. We can talk to each other anytime so i hung up the phone, i'm sorry for that. after that i talk to another phone of mine.

she called me actually, i was surprise to see that, took the call and it's her friend talking to me and she passed the phone to my dance partner(her). Have a long talk with her and her credit left Rm2+ so i ask her to hang up, let me call her. Her friends were helping her to apply medicine on her wound, she was screaming pain in the phone and i was asking her friend to do it harder. She really needs to understand me more, there are so many things that i did not reveal. Only those that know me so well, they understand what kind of person am i. We talk till 12:30am and she asked me to go and sleep since i have class at 8am and i have to wake up at 6am. So i wish her before i hang up.

now comes to a great question, am i chasing her? some of my friends said that i'm not really chasing her and some said yes. Even i myself cannot find the answer to it. However there's one thing i can assure that i feel comfortable when i'm with her. What does this really mean? i do not know, this feeling is different from what i had before. I have this feeling when we dance, the feeling which i do not experiences before. Does she feel the same too? I better stop thinking so much or else i'm the one that get hurt again. So , just let things be in their way....

~HBP

screw up? think too much?

Did i just screw up something again? oh well..

...it happens from yesterday, we were chatting. I wanted to know her more so decided to keep asking her questions and hopefully she will ask me things about my life. However come to think of it, it does not matter because she's going to read my blog soon anyway. No point telling her so i just keep asking and was so happy to see her replies. Am i mad? it just a reply, why do i feel so happy? weird.

In the evening, i have to go to church and i asked her to have her dinner not to just watch drama. Yes, i worry for her so i did what is necessary. After that, i took off and when i got back, something happened. I talked to her but it seems something change her mood, something made her down, made her countenance drop. She apologized to me and asked me to talk tomorrow and i did what she requested. This is like what i did last time, i obey what people requested but they do not know that i actually worry for the person and i can't do anything for it. Just hope that she will be alright.

next day, today, i talk to her and ask her how is she. Her reply is ok but in my mind it seems that she's not ok or maybe i think too much again. I asked her to take care and if there's anything she can find me. Hopefully that she really know what am i doing, i'm worried for her.

after hours, in the evening, i chat box her while the status shows that she's online. I greet her and there's no reply and it went offline. I was like, did i just do something wrong again? did i just screw up things again???

worst case, my bad habit came back, i actually text her, the contain is below: " XXXXX,you ok? O.o you can share anything to me ya, maybe i'm not trusted by you yet and i haven't know you completely but i can assure of one thing, you're a kind person which cant afford to see friends suffer, you have that kind heart ;) if you need someone to talk to, here you have one :) I'm here for you :P
~tri-b (BreakdanceBoyXXXXX)"

thought of that now, what did i just do is going to screw up everything i did. Maybe she will misunderstood it and things going to be very complicated and cold war might start. If she understands that...things will change perhaps? at least she will know there's a person which will care and worry for her. So did i screw it up?

she replied me, i didnt expect any replies actually because normally i get cold war after typing that kind of message but i'm glad that she replied. I think too much again, all because i care for her or perhaps more than that? am i crossing the line?

~HPB

result

My foundation result came out, even though it's not what i expected but it hits the minimum requirement for my degree course. I'm happy but sad at the same time because i cannot afford to see my friends to be sad. It's just part of me, my characteristic. I wish i can do something to make them happy, i try to cheer them up and comfort them that they will do even better next time. i believe they are able too.

So my foundation life ended. Now comes to my next stage of my life, a degree life. I'm looking forward it but i have to do my course transfer. I'm going to change from mechatronic engineering to physiotherapy. After my foundation, i notice that i'm not very good with numbers so i have chosen medical course for my future. It will be tough i know but i believe i can do it.

Now, about her, the one that i worried the most. She checked her result and she got what she expected in the negative way. She failed in the subject she expected to fail. I cheer her up and comfort her through chat box. It's stupid, how to cheer a person in a chat box and i did my best, really i do. Honestly, if i'm besides her, i will really hug her, she will feel weird, pain and cry at first but i believe she will feel better. At least maybe she will know that she's not alone, there's someone for her when she cries. A shoulder to lead on. I really hope that but it wouldn't happen. i"m day dreaming....ok stop it, stop dreaming, back to the real thing. If fail, as long you didn't give up, you will do better the next time. That's what i'm believing in because i went through it before.

After comforting her, i let her be herself for a while and drop down a message" i will be here,when you're ok, talk to me =) " She cried i think, thought so. thus i wait for her, looking at the right bottom of my laptop screen, sitting in front of my laptop and waiting for her reply. It's so funny and crazy but i just did it. Quite a gab of time, she replied and i'm glad but still i feel that there's something missing. I worry for her, why? i need to make clear of one thing, am i chasing her? great question which i cant answer

~HPB

feelings and doubts

It's just one week of not having any dance practice, i actually feel so bored at home.I did some body building and some dance moves practices in this period. I only allow to do that when my parents are not around since they do not really like me dancing because they afraid that i will hurt myself, i break dance by the way. Honestly, i think it was not because i'm bored at home but more like missing a person. I cannot believe that i actually miss her. Since when i put her in my life?

Isn't really there's a reaction between us? I have no idea but i'm sure of one thing, i like you. People kept saying that love have to be match only they are suitable to be together but for me i personality think it in another way. If it matches, everything between the couple, they have nothing to say anymore because they share everything which both of them already know. Maybe they can share for quite a while but there's a certain limit too right? My own thinking is almost something like what i said above but just some parts of it. The reason is the couple able to share their own interest to the other partner so that they have more things to talk too and able to understand each other better. Instead of sharing the same thing, end up it will get bored. That's how i think off or maybe i'm wrong?

I will express my feelings towards you by dancing and hope that you will get to understand how i feel. Alex and Jia Shin, two friends which i know able to express their feelings to each other by dancing and got together. I really jealous of them how they love each other because i did not have that when i got into a relationship. Why do i feel pain from my chest at this time, why do i feel upset for? Because i got into a cold relationship which only one-sided love? Doubts for me because something so called 'one-sided love' happened to me twice. The first one it took me one year to recover and now the second one which i never expected i fall into it again. I suffered like a mad man, tears dried up, blood bleed, body bruise. The pain was like a dagger stabs into my heart torturing me, twisting here and there.

I remember how i over the first one, i dance and that's why i'm active again in dancing. And you appear in my life, at first, i do not have any feelings towards you but now it's different. I actually worry for you, after knowing your history, you're life, some part of it, it's exactly the same like me. I understand how you feel, i really do. I went through under depression before, it's a hard time for me to stand up again and enter this wicked world i should say. My parents were so worried of me, looking at me getting thinner and thinner. 36 kg when i was 13 years old, can you imagine that? I wish you morning and night each day to let you know there's actually someone care for you

I admit that i still feel pain from what my ex-girl friend did to me but i feel better each time i look at you. When we dance together, i can totally felt no pain at all. So do you know how really important are you to me right now? I will try to understand you more and i hope that you will try to understand me too. Now, i just let things go by its own..... there's once i was weak even now but there's something actually make me strong and it is you

~HPB

worst day?

Something which is unbelievable happened today. I cannot accept it. It was just too impossible. I actually get band 2 for my Malaysia University English Test(MUET). It's a fail. I was so heart broken, i never fail in my English before. It was like a dream,a nightmare more like it.

I was so down after knowing the result. At first i'm so anxious to know my result, hoping to get band 4 or band 5 if i'm able too but it turns out band 2, which i never even expected. My friends were in shock knowing it. They know how good is my English, i'm not boasting, seriously, at least i can get a band 3 but band 2. Heart totally broke after knowing it. Emo for the whole day, wish that there's someone i can talk too.

I was thinking of a girl and actually talk to her too. To be exact, i have been talking to her these days. Trying to make myself feel better by talking to her. However end up, i'm encouraging her because she scares that she will fail her subjects. I cheered her up and changed to another topic, i don't want her to think more about it. If you keep thinking about it, it will only make you more worry and it's pointless to think about things which are not happening yet. So ya, i talk to her, cheer her up, dont want to see her being emo or sad. After reading her blog, i actually understand how she felt and what exactly happened in her life. I wanted to tell her that i don't feel happy today because of the MUET result, i almost burst in tears knowing that i only get band 2 and it's a fail, not even near to the passing marks. However i just talk to her like nothing goes wrong. Somehow i feel better each time i see her replies a bit by bit. Each time i talk to her, i really feel better, she can actually let me laugh and focus on talking to her only. I do not think that she knows that but time by time, she will notice it somehow or maybe not. Perhaps i think too much again.

How i wish i can tell her about me but she's just a person i just met. How can i just express what happen to me today, it's just too sudden for her. Nevertheless, things will review to her after 30th January since i promised her i will give her my blogger's link. Which i only give my blogger link to only friend that i trusted. I do hope that after she read my blog, she would not change her view towards me. I have no idea how she looks at me, how does she think about me but i do know one thing that i'm happy being with her, dancing with her. 'the feeling' i have with her, it's real. I know her now but not her real personality yet. I want to know you more. If you love a person, you're able to accept his/her weakness and help her to changed it if you are able too. So, like i said, let things flow on its own.

~HPB

are you the one?

I have been busy practicing dance moves these days with my dance buddies. We are preparing for the in coming event that hold on 30th of January. So this is how the story begins, someone actually helped me to calm my mind down and totally able to let me forget about my ex-girl friend,i actually able to put my ex-girl friend a side, which i never expected. I even tested myself to thinK about my ex but somehow it would not work because of her? The funniest part is she might not know that. It sounds weird but its true.

I do not know her from the start, i know her only when therE was a dance practice in my uni. She's from art stream and i'm from science so we're from different blocks. The first day i see her, first thing comes in my mind is gosh this girl is so 'lala'. Maybe because of what color she dyed her hair, too bright perhaps. I haven't got to know her at that time. I only talk to my old dance buddies, since she just join us so i need time to know her too in order for me to talk to her.

after few days of practices, i stilL have not really start a conversation with her. Until when it comes to our semester break, we are having our practices in a studio and from there everything changed. From that day,i should say, even my personality changed a bit. I started to look at her almost all of the time when she dances. It makes me laugh, it makes me feel like there's actually someone i can dance with. Which able to dance and laugh with me

We're practicing couple dance these days and she's my partner. some of my friends know that i'm a shy and very polite person. I would not dare to touch a girl's body unless i got their permission. Think about it, if you dance, it's impossible you dont touch someone's body. However, this is where something different of me. I actually did not ask for her permission and i just hold her and do the moves. I have no idea how she thinks of me and i cant believe i actually do that. Perhaps we are just dancing? holding hands and touching body just for the sake of dancing? who knows? I'm different, i'm a very expressive and emotionaL person. Come to think about it, i actually hold her and i feel something, something which is warm, it makes me feel comfortable. Sometimes, after the moves or before leaving the studio, i would like to move in front of her and give her a hug. Nevertheless, think about it, it just too soon or sudden.

ReallY, somehow there's something from her makes me feel like so not myself. I'm actually enjoy being with her. How i wish the time can go slower so that i can see her longer. Who would not wish to stay with a person that able to make you laugh and enjoy your moment. Let things flow on its own, i would take action only if she really trusts and understands me. for now, let things go on its own, let it be that way or this way. Let it be~

~HPB

a lie behind the scene

(music playing~~~)*

i open my eyes and find where is the music from. It was my phone alarm, looking at the time, it was only 5:45am. I went back to sleep and things doesn't go smoothly, enter a dream which i never expected.

Honestly, these days, my ex kept appearing in my dreams. Each of the dreams, it does not make sense even though it's like something real but i just do not believe it. Since we already broke up so it is something impossible for her to do that and base on her personally, she would not do something like this. I do not believe in dreams. Some people even say that if the person appear in your dreams , it is because he/she is missing you. This clearly tells me that it's impossible. She never miss me.

Yesterday, i was chatting with my closest friend, she does not seem happy. Thus, i try to cheer her up, but i think i failed. what a failure..what else can i say. She replied me kinda cold too but i do understand why. Then why am i upset? maybe she reminds me of my ex the way how my ex replied my message. Even though the messages she replied to me is not as cold as my ex but it does affect me somehow. My closest friend did apologize for being cold to me but it was too late. I just cover up the whole truth and ask her to sleep. Next, I try to sleep with my pain , hopefully the next morning i will be alright.

next morning, the feeling gone worst. I feel pain in my chest which i dislike the most. what exactly happen to me? My body is getting weaker,why? It was so easy to type "=)" in the text but reality i'm not smiling at all. Asking myself, am i going to lose another friend which i trust the most again? It is the same feeling when i broke up with my ex. However, i need to make myself clear of one thing, i'm just a friend of hers, am not her boy friend or anything.

I have been thinking too much lately again and again. Brain keep thinking why, fake smile always on my face to cover up the truth. Sometimes, being too strong, people will never notice that you're actually facing troubles or upset. Should i say that? I do not like to show people my weakness but if they really want to know the truth, they can talk to me but i would not tell the exact story of it. Because i cannot afford to simply trust anyone anymore. I lose myself once and hopefully there's no second time. I covered up a lot these days, i wander when will i actually able to stop that. Telling people that i'm fine, i'm alright, but the truth, you guys have to find out whether isn't true.

~HPB

The second heart of mine (part II)

So she knows that i love her. She knows that i will always be there for her. She did asked me the same question whether we should walk this journey. We both know that the path would not be long ,until a certain journey, we have to let go of each other. That's very hurtful and we have something common which is unable to hurt someone(hurt a close friend). Therefore both of us agree not to have relationship and we maintain our friendship.

Truth enough,she did not avoid from me. She maintained our friendship. When i have troubles i will talk to her, tell her my problems and she listens. Which is why i like her, she can be there for me just to listen to my problems. When she has any problems, i will always ask her to tell me not to swallow it up because its going to be very suffering. I will always be there for her, i cannot afford to see her upset or suffer.

There's one day, something happened to her which make her cry and upset. I asked her to call me and we have a long talk. I'm glad that she calm downed and able to sleep. When i heard that she cried, it's like a dagger just straight away stab on my heart. As I said, i cannot afford to see her suffer. the next day, i brought her out, make her feel better. I trust her and believe she will be better and stronger. I just broke up with my girl friend and she did not know that she actually helped me a lot too.

by hearing to your voices, by looking at your messages; honestly speaking, i will feel better. A girl which i like since young and love her now. It's like a drama series, we love each other but we cannot be together. However i am glad that you did not forget me. Which is something i am very afraid off, forget my existence, but you did not. for example, my ex girl friend, said to be best friend but to me it's more like a stranger now. Don't promise anything which you cannot do, you will only hurt the person. I been hurt few times from my ex. Friends been telling me to let her go , i did but it seems not totally yet. It's like a bunch of candles in front of you. You took one up and you feel that your world is brighter. however you need to put it back, let it go before the wax or the fire burns your hand. There's my problem, i did not let go my hand and that's why i am hurt.

Nevertheless, right now, i know that there's someone which i able to love and she is the one. Even though we cannot be together, we can still stick together. We share our problems and help each other. I love her, yes i really do but it's clear, i will definitely not crossing that line. Even though we cannot be together i never let go of you. Sometimes, think about it friendship is better than relationship. Some of the things are able to share to your close friends instead of your boy or girl friend. My relationship between her right now is my closest friend, a friend which i able to trust, a girl which i like since young, a girl which i love and never let go and last but not least she is my second heart.

~HPB

The second heart of mine (part I)

how should i start this?

perhaps from our history?

I like a girl since i was young, a primary school friend i should say or my English rival. I have no idea why do i like her. The answer for that question is what i have been searching till now and I finally know the right answer for it......

After graduated from my primary school, we did not keep in touch actually. I'm a shy little boy that time, i cannot talk well nor social with others. So, we did not talk nor see each other for about 1 or 2 years until i found out one of my friend have her e-mail address. Of course, i asked it from my friend since she is a girl which i like since young. We chat in live messenger and i start to know more about her. Her life i should say but it's just the general stuffs. Some of things are private so i do not ask more

We have been planning to organize a gathering with our primary school friends and one of the gathering actually reveal me a secret of hers. To be honest, i already know that , I do mind and get jealous when she hugged the guy she likes. A guy which is handsome and rich i should say, smart too. I was standing there looking at her. My mind tells me, seeing her happy and smile, its all i want to see.

time passed, we still chat with each other. However when she has boy friend, i will stop or do not message her or chat with her so often. I do not like misunderstanding. Though i said i like her but love and like are totally different things. She does not share with me her personal stuffs and i respect that.

time by time, i found out that she is single and i already at a stage of liking her so much. We talk and chat quite often that time. I know there will be a lot of competitors too. I do not mind, this is up to her whether who she chooses and i will respect her choice. One night, i confessed to her. She was shocked and things went smoothly(we still talk to each other). Make it clean, she hasn't approve me yet that time. I continue to chase her but there's a little obstacles between us which separate us. Knowing that, i let her go. It's not something easy, a girl which i like so much since young and i care for her so much. i never thought of letting go actually. I no longer like her, i love her. Nevertheless, whenever she needs me, i will always be there for her, something like a guardian protecting her.

~ HPB