a new day perhaps

It's been a hard time for me yesterday late night for me to think of everything , every single piece of my 'puzzles'. thinking why do i fall in love with them. I did not take any actions for i know i will take this very seriously, end up if anything happened, i will get all the pain because i cannot afford to see people to suffer. I will swallow all the pain to myself.

this morning, i was still thinking what should i do. It is useless to tell anyone my problem since the problem is with me because i swallow up all the pain. i suffer alone. seeing things negatively is so common for me now. think about it, maybe i am the one that causes this. maybe i am the one created things which would not happen.

i chased 5 girls, one of them i successfully being with her but we broke up somehow with unreasonable excuses. Me, felt pain since i swallow all the pain. what a gentlemen and a naive person to be. This world will kill me definitely. what choice can i make? change my life perhaps? a positive happy person change to a totally different attitude guy? perhaps? maybe this might help me? i dont know.

it is easy to turn bad then good. i tried and now i was thinking maybe this time i will do the same to release the bad side of me. this world is more evil than i thought, in order to follow the trend, i think for now, this is needed. i changed and it would not be nice. Who said that "i know his not like that" , maybe it's time for you to take back your words. because right now, the person you're seeing will be different from before. who really understands me? for me, i will answer only my family or perhaps one more person

things will be different from now on. i would not be all the time good anymore, it is time for me to let you guys see who really i am and it's time for you to make up your mind whether you still want to stick with me. friends? brothers? sisters? i don't know how you guys will look at me. how many of them are real? who knows?

~HPB(Heartless Piano Boy)

first and last

so the time is 12:50am, a new year starts but bottom of my heart i know that i still unable to let you go. The last day of year 2012, i was having my finals, slept at 3am and woke up 7:40am to continue my preparation for my finals. Mind does not stop thinking about you. i felt pain, why?

now all you do is wishing me. you do not even bother to talk to me or message me like last time before we got together. Then why at first you promised me to be best friends even we cannot be together. You lied to me once and i am giving you another chance to make me trust you. However, you still did the same thing. how am i going to trust you anymore? am i mad? yes, i am mad but what can i do? you are no longer part of my life. i cannot control this and it is not my nature to force someone too.

i got hurt and i am so good in hiding them with a smile except for those that know me very close. I smile because of you, emo because of you. what do i really deserve? It's already 1 month plus, i did not see you and i still misses you. why? the way how cold you treated me, i'm still miss you and love you. because i love you truthfully? i'm too naive.

i do think about what did you tell you friends about us. me, i always tell my friends how much i love you, how much i spent my time, how much i scarified. obviously, i take this very serious and i did not know that actually i'm falling into a deep well.

january, we are having a gathering, you might show up or maybe not. can i really see you? can i? facing you? smile? currently my heart easily break down and i'm under mild depression right now, have the thoughts of commit suicide. i hurt myself and my friends was looking at my fist..ya i hit it still it bleeds. the wound looks 'nice'

do you really love me? if you do, you wouldnt put me into a cold war like this but you did. i think i'm the one that naive to think everything it's real. i have been played by you and i dont think i will get into relationship anymore. i was so hurt, once is enough because i never play on things like this, i always take this very seriously. end up, i suffer and got hurt the most. i cant see you but i feel like you're happy without me or maybe there's a guy better than me.....i'm useless as usual.

~bbpianist

memories and sacrifices

some people said that memories might be the only thing which able to make you remember the sweetest moment in your life. It is truth but it will be your worst and sad-est memory too. Personally, i view memory as something which able to make us happy and sad at the same time. We ought to recall back some of the happy moments we had with our friends. Nevertheless we will feel sad too, maybe because that you are unable to meet them anymore or maybe some of them is too busy with their work or perhaps the worst, they forget about you.

sacrifices, something which is precious in our life, which you cannot buy with money. There are lot of things which we cannot buy with money, for example, sincerity, love, home etc. Talking about sacrifices, it related to time. The time you used to make or create things or time for you to achieve what you wanted. Sacrifices is something which you really put your effort and sincerity into that job or perhaps art or craft.

I spent most of my time folding and coloring paper roses, wanted to give my girl friend a surprise but things does not go well. Before, i even show her, we broke up and all the effort i had done is in vain. what should i do to the paper roses? i sacrifices most of my time for that but now things turned out unexpectedly, i have no idea what should i do.

currently, the box of paper roses is in my room and i have no idea what should i do. looking at it, it will only hurt my feelings for what i had done. Should i just throw it or worst burn it? isn't really no other ways?

i wish that she will see it and understands how much i spent my time on it but it seems impossible. That 100 roses which mean i love you so much and in addition of one large size of paper rose to make it 101 to let you know you are my one and only. However things just gone like a blink of an eye. My heart is like a glass drop to the floor and break into hundred of pieces which unable to put them back anymore.

~bbpianist

biggest fear

what if you have a girl that you love, you are looking at her with a boy she loves, what do you feel? pain? suffering? lonely? feel useless? maybe all of them?

why my hands are shaking? because of fear? because i cannot accept the fact that she's with someone else and left you?

i love you but i do not know whether you see it or not. I gave my everything to you but I let another guy to have the chance to make you happy. I am so sorry but everything is too late..my world just gone blank...it is like really blank with darkness, total black...

if you see the one you love is happy with another boy, will you be happy for her too? will you? that is a great question you should ask yourself..for me, there is no answer for that. if you answered yes, you are lying obviously or answered no, obvious you have not let her go..

what can i do? seeing her with someone else.....and yes, this is the biggest fear in your life without knowing it will come

"when it happened, everything it was too late? "

bbpianist

the secret behind

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me.She was my so-called 'best friend'. I stared at her long, silky hair. I wished she were mine, but she didn't notice me like that.And I knew it.

After class she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before, and I handed them to her.She said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why.

11th Grade...

The phone rang. It was her on the other end. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart.

She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, a Drew Barrymore movie,and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me,said 'thanks,' and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy.And I don't know why.

12th Grade...

The day before prom she walked to my locker. 'My date is sick,' she said. He's not going to go. Well, I didn't have a date and in 7th grade we made a promise that if neither of us had dates we would go together just as 'best friends,' so we did.

Prom night, after everything was over,I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her. She smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she doesn't think of me like that,and I know it. Then she said, 'I had the best time,thanks!' and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why...

Graduation Day...

A day passed. A week passed. A month passed. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and she cried as I hugged her. Then, she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, 'You're my best friend, thanks!' and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why...

A Few Years Later...

Now, I sit in the pews of the church. She is getting married,now. I watched her say, 'I do' and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said, 'You came!' She said, 'thanks!' and kissed me on the cheek.I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why...

Funeral...

Years pass, and I looked down at the coffin of the girl who used to be my best friend.' At the service they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he were mine. But he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him. I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love him, but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me...i wish I did too...i thought to myself, and I cried.

never knew this will happen

my life was full of enjoyment and i'm single, life never been better but after i met you, things just go bad, my health and others. at first i thought i have already find the one that able to take care and love me but i'm wrong..i never thought that this day will happened, we broke up. it struck-ed me very hard, the scar was so deep. i manage to survive thanks to my brothers and sisters(uni-friends)for being there for me..i might not be able to be normal without them at this period

i chased you for 5 months, in relationship with you for 3 months and something happened, you tortured me for 3 weeks(being cold to me, treat me coldly)i cannot take it anymore , it only makes me feel worst and more painful so i open my mouth to call it off. I broke my own policy to break up with you. after two days the day we officially break up, you apologized. Don't you think that it was too late for that~ the scar is already there and it's a deep one. At first it's not that deep but because of that 3 weeks tortured, you had made it even worst and deeper.

i did told you that i will not open my mouth to break up a girl but you made me do so, you can imagine how much you really hurt me. i give up my fame and my pride, break my own policy and live in the dark. you approved me at first because you trust me that i will be a good boy friend and more break up, the reason you gave me is we are not match. i was wandering, if we are not match why at first you approved me. you have no idea, how much i did for you, i gave up my everything.

i did notice that you treat me cold and i was trying to make our relationship warm again. i did everything but you never try to do so at the same time. you never care it's like one-sided love. you broke my heart into pieces which cant glue back and now i'm living in pain...how am i going to let you go for what you have done to me, my first kiss just gone like that.

this is going to be very painful i know myself, i wish you will find a better boy friend then. for everything i did, i do hope that the one you find will be better than me..

i cried, my heart felt thorns around it, i bleed, my flesh with wounds. all the time i thought that love is trust or loyalty but after this, i found out that true love is neither what i mentioned but it was UNDERSTANDING
i will live on, i believe i deserve a better girl, a girl which will really understands me and love me.

~bbpianist

medical or engineer

life goes on with study and it is time for me to choose where should i place myself in. it is a tough decision since i have interest in any courses, by the way i forget to mention, i am going to finish my pre-uni soon so this is about course selection. I'm a pure science student so i was given many course to choose. i'm not good in numbers, as long the course is related to science i will be interest in it. it was difficult for me to choose since it is going to be my future job.

medical:
biology and chemistry, actually medical courses, i'm interested in pharmacy but unfortunately my CGPA cannot hit the mininum requirement haiz....so what's left is physiotherapy. i went on survey more about this course by talking to my friends that taking this course and even talk to doctors for their opinions on this course. it's an interesting course since you will be helping patient to recover and you need a lot of patience to do that hahaha which is something advantage to me =) besides, helping people is part of my hobby. this might be the one i will choose for my degree course haha on the other hand

engineer:
physic, a subject which i got interested when i get to form 5, 17 years old. at first, this subject does not hit me because it related to numbers. however, i like the theory behind the subject how things happened and much more. the laws and principles behind that subject. it's interesting but as i said, it related to maths which is something will kill me eventually hahaha but in engineer, there's a course which do not need maths, no totally without maths but contain general basic maths calculation, architecture. all you need is to draw, true enough it's easy to draw, all you need is to be more creative. nevertheless, i found out that most of the architect do not have enough sleep. most of them burn their midnight oil almost everyday which it will affect my health.

so, in a nut shell, i was thinking to further discover more about physiotherapy. it's something which i never thought to study off. however, it might be the one that will make me enjoy in future . who knows what happens tomorrow. life moves on with full of questions and troubles.

~bbpianist

cycling days

hey guys, another story i wanted to share with you guys, it's my cycling life. i started cycled when i enter form 2 , so i was 14 at that time. stop all the history crap i will tell you what do i feel about cycling

cycling, it's a extreme sport to me. before i dance, this is the best hobby i have even till now. the stunts and speed....listen to the wind, how fast you really cycle. it was crazy hahaha actually is kinda dangerous, life without a little risk, dont you think it's too bored haha
at first, i cycle to a nearby garden, time by time, i cycle in a jungle =) it was quite an awesome experience cycling in the jungle. It was not like how you cycle on the road, it was so different from cycling on the jungle track. there are more risk cycling in the jungle. i was a tough task to cycle up hill and very risky to speed down from the hill hahaha but it was fun, it makes me feel like cycle back into that place. a way for me to get near to the nature =)
talking about cycled, definitely you cannot run away from accidents hahaha there was once my was speeding back home. there was a sharp corner before i reach my house, normally i will slow down and take a turn but that day because i was rushing, i speed up and took that corner. i was drift out from the road side. blood all over my bike. i can still stand up and i even 'place back' my wrist LOL and cycled back. on my way back, the blood keep on dropping LOL bike full of my blood. reach home took a bath, i was painful like hell's fire >o< burning, at the end i cannot take it, i told my mum the whole incident. i said that i was rushing, actually i was rushing to watch a movie hahaha unbelievable that i felt down and injured my whole body for a movie haha
scars? definitely there are few but only two are the obvious ones. a great lesson i learn not to increase your speed when you take corner hahaha i love to drift with my bike but the Tyre is costly haha
life without speed, it was just too boring, i even challenge myself cycling under a storm. it was crazy but fun. i would not forget the feeling cycling under a storm. it was fantastic ! hahaha
guys which like to cycle, should try one day, it was crazy but fun. cycle is a extreme hobby for me , then what is yours? =)
"catch the wind, cannot catch it then follow it" ~triple-B