exile begin

don't know when will you be reading my blog but after you read this post i believe there will be changes of you how you view me as.

something happened to me and i have no idea what was it. ever since i changed my personality, things are not the same anymore. Friends changed into strangers. the one that i trust somehow i cannot trust her anymore, i felt that i was trusting the wrong person. Blame myself for being easily trusting on someone. However, she is the only one that know about my secrets among my degree friends, the only one that know me the most i think. Asking myself for so what reason that i reveal so much of my secrets to her. I felt that our friendship is getting further and further away.

today, all i care is about ending the class as soon as possible. i just do not feel like talking to anyone or joining anyone. Walk alone, do my things alone, isolating my friends. Yes, i'm isolating them because i know there's nothing good will come out from me today. I planned to sit far away from them but they reserved a sit for me. normally people will just go to that place and sit but what i did was thinking should i sit with them, should i? because i really have no mood being with them today or maybe forever. I just felt that i'm not suitable to mix with them anymore. or perhaps i know my problem but i cant accept the fact. i think i'm being foolish again for making up theories and trusting them. the successful rate of my theories normally fall between 40-60%. when i said it will be that way, mostly it will happen and i'm not surprise.

"you can like a lot of people but there is only one will give you heartache " this is true. I still need time to let go of K. She gave me memories which i never have in my life. That day i helped her during the open drive for dance club, perhaps that's the only time i was being happy with her. I was smiling and it's a real smile. After the recruitment, we when off together. I was there grumble about my assignments and she was there happily answered me that her assignments are not assign yet. I was try to poke her head, making fun of her, it was the happiest time i have with her i think exclude during dancing of course. Nevertheless, i'm glad that we are still friends. I came across of this sentence "爱一个人,不一定要在一起". I might be doing the same thing but i will let you go eventually so no worries, i'm a man of my words. I never make promises that i cannot fulfill. Now we can be friends is already more than anything you gave me. my friend, anything when you need help, call me or message me i will be there. I mean call me or message me, i do not stay on net all the time like i used to be. I'm sorry that i did not see that message coming that day but next time, message me or give me a thinker is better.letting go is not easy but it does not mean it's impossible, like you said i need time

alright, i'm doing this perhaps for my sake, things will change i believe because not everyone are the same. they have different views on this. some able to accept and continue being friends but there are not too. like i said above, you can like a lot of people, perhaps i like you and you didn't know. I thought that after i let go of K slowly, i might be chasing you after i'm fine but too bad that i'm too late for it. Right now you have a boy friend, all i can do is to wish you to be good to your boy friend. I had a conversation with her yesterday, the conversation turned into an argument. when you changed your status from single to relationship, i was curious whether is true or not. You told our friends that you just having fun but i do not believe that. You're a person which love to play but when comes to this, you would not make fun of it. How do i know? if you remember that you told me that you actually liked a guy when you're in secondary school. since that day, i know what kind of person are you. I might be wrong and very wrong because everything i guess or predict about you are wrong. I have never face this problem before but only you actually make my perceptions all wrong.

i like you and that's why i try to get close to you and wanted to know more about you. You kept your secrets tight, which is good unlike me being explore so much but there's still things which you do not know about me. there are things which are not suitable to write it in blog, there are things which have to be kept forever to yourself. Things which changed my life, the impact and everything. You said that you might be experience than me, if that's what you think so, i do not mind. experiences, i gain them through pains and sufferings. You said that i'm judging you, the problem is am i really judging you? i know that you dislike being judge by someone and i never like to judge anyone too. However if you said that i'm judging you then fine, perhaps i am without noticing it. this is your first relationship so what i can say is appreciate your boy friend, take care of him, show him how much you really meant to him and others you should know what to do. Actually when the time you shared a part of your secrets, i really thought so that it's impossible for us to be together after you have that thinking. However i do not mind to continue being friend with you after knowing that secret of yours. You're afraid that i will stop talking to you or ignore you but at least now you know that i'm not that kind of person.

now you know that i like you so what's your reaction? what is your next step? avoiding me? ignore me? or like me maintain being friends, being close friends? or stranger? it's your call. I just being straight forward telling what i need to tell from my mind, perhaps this able to explain to you what exactly happened to me these days. i wouldn't be myself these days, I still need time to let go of K and suddenly you got into relationship, whether you believe it or not i got the worst feeling i had before "again", feeling which indescribable. now i'm able to give myself a reason to continue dancing. I wanted to stop dancing before that because i lost track of why do i dance but somehow i find the reason now why do i dance, the right reason and the reason for me to continue staying on the floor. I dance with passion not to please anyone, dancing is part of my life, too bad that i do not have the time to join my dance buddies these days. they were busy preparing for their showcase, all the best and gambateh guys! anytime when there is dance practice, inform me, i will definite go for it if there's no clash of anything. K please message me alright if there's any practice. thus exile is what i chose now, isolating from you and my current friends, i will only talk when you guys asked for me,i will help when you guys need one but i wouldn't be the same like what i used to be. i felt that i'm being so stupid for liking someone and friends.....i doubt, hard for me to trust anyone now. I'm so not going into that thing anymore, pain into numb, numb into habit, habit to cold

HPB