Recently

These days i have been different, in almost every part of my personality or should i say the original me. I have been acting naughty like what i did in my secondary life, being so talkative , daring and lastly, something which i'm still doing, not taking good care of my health. Hitting walls there and here like nobody business, being acting like a bad boy around but i am a bad boy after all. One of the bad habit coming back too, drinking. I promised not to touch alcohol anymore but i broke that in the end, should say that promise no longer apply on me, it's a pass, i'm focusing in present now.

Besides these habits, these days i love to speed, i mean any where , anytime, when i feel like too even though i know i will lose in that race but i just feel like doing so. This is because it able me to stop thinking other stuffs but to focus in my driving. One mistake, it takes my life. The day i put my car in the workshop, i actually raced at the hill with a car. I really do not even care about my safety and just drive like i'm in a illegal race. The music was so loud , it motivated me even more. Half way of it, i actually stopped. I stopped because of two things, i was scared, i was asking myself what did i just did and i was thinking of you too.

There are friends asking me how am i these days, especially my second heart. There's a boy actually chasing her so i did not really contact her anymore. That's our promised, i wouldn't involve in this things anymore. I dislike misunderstanding. Moreover these days i was busied with proposals and quiz. Even that i'm so busy i will still take out sometime to talk to her. Even after i read her blog, i feel like she does not really like me or perhaps it's truth that she does not like me. Even so whether she likes me or not, i will still like her, i really cant let her go. I know i will suffer but this is what i have chosen from the beginning.

Today, we dance buddies have steamboat at our university, it was quite exciting because our university actually do not allow foods to be brought into class and we actually did that and it's a potluck. Before that, suddenly i have a breakdown, i dont know why, so i walk to the hall where the piano is. Played songs to find out why and i actually found out why but that's what i have chosen. As long i like her, even she likes someone else, then let it be, i can't change her mind, even I suffer. We had a 'truth or dare' game just now. It was fun, for friends that knew me for sometime, they know that i will take truth instead of dare because truth is just speaking, i dont mind sharing my secrets, it's a golden opportunity actually to ask me something. Due to my mysterious personality and i kept my secrets very tight. For a while, the fork point towards me and i chose truth. there is something happened after that.

everyone agree to ask me three girls that i like and rank them from 3rd to 1st. I was stunned there and look at her, she was drinking her drink or biting the straw. They said photos are acceptable if they do not know them so i show my second heart for the 3rd rank, my ex for the second. Guess what the first, my friends were waiting for my answer and i was looking at her. Inside my heart, i was like, this will change everything and i know something might going to happen. Bad or good, i have to admit that, i cant lie to myself. I told my friends who is the girl i like the most there, after answering i didn't look at her. A friend said that i have the guts to say it out. Actually it's not about guts, it's i'm afraid that something will happen after saying it. After my turn, it's her turn, i wish i can stay longer but time is crawling in front of my door, i have to leave, i did not have the chance to know more about her or play with her.

i speed home, reached home, it was raining. I came out from the car, i actually look up at the sky. Looking at the rain falls on my face and i almost wanted to drop my tears. I was thinking what i did just now, was it right? telling others the truth behind i hide from others that i like her. Now i just feel like drinking more and get drunk to sleep, next day i will suffer like hell because intake of alcohol. I have sensitive stomach. Even i know that, i still feel like drinking because of what? what am i actually thinking right now? i.....really fall for her.

~HPB