the past

finally, which what i have wanted for so long, my university semester break. Semester break, it does not mean that i'm able to rest because there is a lot of things waiting for me to settle at home. It is time for me to take care of my house maintenance; one month in a year which is May during my semester break, i am only available to do so. Basically,my duty is TRYING to repair anything which is spoiled at home and maintain the house in good condition and functional. Degree life, it's a tough one but thank God that everything went smoothly in my first year first semester. In this semester, i learned how to take videos and photos. the brightness, angles, iso, aperture and more, which leads me to have more interest to take videos and photos. So far, i was thinking to have a part time job to be a photographer, it might be great. taking good photos and share them, anyway it's my hobby since i was young. in order to achieve this, i need to learn few software which edit photos to make it more lovely. right now, i'm doing my best, trying to learn how to use adobe photoshop, it is kinda hard but i will get use to it anyway.

so that's my updates about my life recently, now now, this is what am i thinking to write. I planned to write it yesterday night but there is something i need to settle down so i did not make it. something which is more important to recording this down. nevertheless, it does not change a single thing anyway, my mind still have the things i wanted to type, they are still fresh in my mind.

i was doing chores yesterday, i never thought that i actually have so many things to clean up. papers, books, accessories and more, my study table was in a big mess, i wonder how long i did not use my table to study hahaha the whole semester, i never use my table at all for my studies; i went out from morning which the sun has not even rise yet and when i reached home, the moon is laughing at me. So it is a busy life in my degree, sometimes i even need to stay up late just to finish my editing. So back to the point, while i was doing my chores, i saw something which i hid and i took it. "it" still looks good and fine, never thought that i will be seeing that again so soon. I hid that present last year and now i was looking at it.



I was thinking, how is my ex recently. Even though she dumped me silently and made me suffer, i still take her as friend. It's like seriously, even my friends asked me not to think about friends either. After that day, i never got the chance to see her anymore, i should say we did not even contact each other after that. That day, i wanted to gave her the present above, the 100 paper made roses with rose aroma, painted by me one by one and the crystal necklace. that's passed, some friends know about my history regarding my ex, i shared it to those that have mature thinking of chasing the girl they like. story been told and its up to them to make their decision wisely, unlike me.

look at the box, everything is made by me, how am i afford to burn it. It is priceless but it is not something which is said 'burn it' that easily. There is still memories in it. Temporary right now, i hid it again. hopefully that i would not see it for this period because i know that i'm in a frustrated situation. I have no time to think about other stuffs, i have to start practicing a lot for my in coming piano performance. My heart shows my frustration through my mental, my hands were shaking, i was thinking how am i going to perform well then. My piano teacher did tell me not to shake my hands but i cannot control it. Blood pressure rise again? why? gosh! i cannot give up playing piano, it is like ending my life. Piano is like a diary to me, i wrote every single details of my feelings in it, i hope people able to feel it. some people do and i'm have nothing to say other than thank you for accepting them.

May is going to be a busy month for me, dance, piano performance, maintenance , shooting, editing and more to come. Isn't it great that my life is busy so that i would not think about thinks which i should not recall off? negative thoughts? however, honestly speaking, i'm tired mentally and physically...friends, i doubt or maybe i'm just too kind to them.....who knows.....real friends? friendship? i wish i would not feel regret but i am and always do til now, hope that there's a road for me to walk away from this but there is none or maybe....who knows...the hardest thing to do in the world,is to forgive yourself~

~HPB