blue to grey

Promised not to disturb you or even look for you and i did it till now. nevertheless, all i did is that once, messaged you and apologized to you. I did not expect any reply from you since i am the one that ruined our friendship. I over did what i should not do and now i regret of what i did back there. "do what you want, dont regret" a great sentence which i applied it in a wrong way. what if that day, i did not act that way, everything would be just fine and maybe we are able to be good friends. I broke the line, i crossed the border line and you said, i have to accept the consequence what i did and i will accept it. I suffered these days but the blame is on me because i'm the one that ruined our friendship. I will bear this regret forever, a great lesson for me to remember.

I admit that i still care for you, asking some of my friends how have you been. I know it's none of my business anymore but i'm just me. It is normal for me to ask about a person which i care even not directly from the person, which is you, i will still ask news about you from others. I am glad to hear that you are happy as usual, enjoy your days in university with the same routine. it is great to hear that, you still active as usual or perhaps even better. It was great that you put a side this incident in the 'trash', one part of your brain which you categorize things which is not important. or maybe i'm wrong again for thinking you in that way. anyway you never did anything wrong, i'm the one that create those problems. I am a troublemaker, create troubles which does not even exist.

read your blog today, been days i did not go into your blog after that incident happened. Last time i will go into your blog every single day to read the same post again and again. I do not feel bored but just feel like re-read your posts just to know the deep meanings behind the post perhaps. Today, i read your blog and know what happen to you recently. To be exact, i do not know what happen to you recently, i stopped follow you up. So even i know anything about you, it was just the general information you posted in the network.

i was great to know that you were helping in an event which does not need any salary, what we called charity work. Great job, it would be great to help others in need, people would not forget your help. They will expect you the next event and you gave them a very good example. You missed someone, which is perhaps a person used to be very important to you and maybe even now. I do not know but that is just my theory, thinking too much again while i'm too 'free'. You said " sometimes sorry is useless ", yes, i cannot disagree what you said because it's truth because i used that sentence before too. Even your sister suggested you to give a slap straight in my face and i sincerely tell you, if that slap able to cheer you up, go a head, i do not mind. You might think that i'm just saying it here but think about it did i ever break my words? i never take back my words if that really so, so be it,anyway i should deserve it.

you can't forgive me and i know, who can forgive a person which did something so serious and it was so wrong. perhaps time is the only way for us to get back together again, like you said look at the time, see what the time will say. will it be one month? too short? three months? who knows? half of the year? one year? years? how long will it be i will wait patiently, till the day you forgive me and talk to me again. i thank you for taking care of my necklace this period. i miss the time we used to talk and message everyday but i'm the one that ruin the whole thing. I will miss you. i will accept the consequences and do what is necessary. I will be fine perhaps, i need time, a very long one. i'm the one that ruined our friendship so i would not be able to forgive myself too neither do you. time fades everything? i really hope that we can be friends again, talk like last time, everyday, anytime.... last but not least i wanted to let you know that you will always be the 5th one that i fall into and you're the only one that i'm so crazy enough to do that to show how much i really love you. Likewise, i wanted to apologize again what i did that day, i really do, from my bottom of my heart....sorry....i know whatever i speak right now is useless, it's trash. right now, let the time speaks

~HPB

failure

I asked her to close her eyes and her hands were busy holding the present i gave her. I give a go with a kiss and everything just not in order anymore. She stunned and shocked what i did to her, said "too over" and she turned and walked away. I wanted to explain but it seems situation is far worst, i never got the chances to talk to her anymore. I actually hurt her mentally and physically, i should not have done that but it was already done,it was too late and i feel regret now...

are you reading this? or perhaps not anymore, what i did to you, i can feel that it's very painful. I'm so sorry, even i apologize, i believe i cannot never be forgiven. Nevertheless, give me the chance to explain why right here; why do i kiss you fist at the first place because i want you to know how much i really love you and the courage i put on, the bet i put on. However i lost my bet, i lost everything. I hugged you but you ask me to let go and i did. I hugged you because i want you to calm down and give back what you used to lost. I wanted to confess to you but it was too late. I regret what i did, i should not have done that...

I'm just a friend of yours, like you very much, nothing else. I am nobody in your eyes actually. I messaged you, you seen but no reply so i just thought that you're busy. Try to think positively all the time. I tried few times then i started to notice what are you doing actually. You are avoiding me and right now i no longer have the rights to talk to you anymore nor see you till you forgive me but i think you will never forgive what i did back there. What i did back there, it was something very serious and i have to accept the consequences. I will let you go...i will never able to forgive myself what i did.

the present i prepared, i know you will not accept it after what i did to you but please do not give it back to me. I would not accept it back too then please throw it away. Just throw it away, what i prepared it was nothing anymore. Since i already screwed up the whole thing, that little box would not help a thing anymore. however, i hope that you will at least open it and see what was it inside. after that, it is up to you what will you do to it. right now all i care is can we be friends again? i would not put my hope on you anymore, just friends...but it's your right whether you want to be friends with me anymore. you can ignore me, you can hate me, you can do not forgive me...it's your choice. I will respect your decision. for now, i will vanish in front of you...you would not be happy seeing me so i know what should i do. I will stop looking for you, I will stop disturbing you. I do not have the rights to read your stuffs anymore. i will be a person which you never knew from the start. Unless you forgive me which is impossible i know but perhaps very long time, I will wait even its gonna be long or maybe forever. it's a very hard thing for me to do but I will endure..

thanks for everything.....everyone...
" regret is painful than the pain when a person heartbroken "
i just wish that i can fly back to the time and stop myself doing that.....
"we are not friends, we are just strangers with memories" i do not wish this happen but things are serious, i have no rights to speak nor choose

take your time, take all you need and i'm sorry what i did back there, my friend...

i red your blog, whatever i say right now is useless. I thank you for not slapping me on site, I will do what is necessary, i will accept what i need to do, the consequences and everything. I understand now but it's too late. Nevertheless please let me say this ,one last word i wanted to say my friend "sorry"

~HPB

Recently

These days i have been different, in almost every part of my personality or should i say the original me. I have been acting naughty like what i did in my secondary life, being so talkative , daring and lastly, something which i'm still doing, not taking good care of my health. Hitting walls there and here like nobody business, being acting like a bad boy around but i am a bad boy after all. One of the bad habit coming back too, drinking. I promised not to touch alcohol anymore but i broke that in the end, should say that promise no longer apply on me, it's a pass, i'm focusing in present now.

Besides these habits, these days i love to speed, i mean any where , anytime, when i feel like too even though i know i will lose in that race but i just feel like doing so. This is because it able me to stop thinking other stuffs but to focus in my driving. One mistake, it takes my life. The day i put my car in the workshop, i actually raced at the hill with a car. I really do not even care about my safety and just drive like i'm in a illegal race. The music was so loud , it motivated me even more. Half way of it, i actually stopped. I stopped because of two things, i was scared, i was asking myself what did i just did and i was thinking of you too.

There are friends asking me how am i these days, especially my second heart. There's a boy actually chasing her so i did not really contact her anymore. That's our promised, i wouldn't involve in this things anymore. I dislike misunderstanding. Moreover these days i was busied with proposals and quiz. Even that i'm so busy i will still take out sometime to talk to her. Even after i read her blog, i feel like she does not really like me or perhaps it's truth that she does not like me. Even so whether she likes me or not, i will still like her, i really cant let her go. I know i will suffer but this is what i have chosen from the beginning.

Today, we dance buddies have steamboat at our university, it was quite exciting because our university actually do not allow foods to be brought into class and we actually did that and it's a potluck. Before that, suddenly i have a breakdown, i dont know why, so i walk to the hall where the piano is. Played songs to find out why and i actually found out why but that's what i have chosen. As long i like her, even she likes someone else, then let it be, i can't change her mind, even I suffer. We had a 'truth or dare' game just now. It was fun, for friends that knew me for sometime, they know that i will take truth instead of dare because truth is just speaking, i dont mind sharing my secrets, it's a golden opportunity actually to ask me something. Due to my mysterious personality and i kept my secrets very tight. For a while, the fork point towards me and i chose truth. there is something happened after that.

everyone agree to ask me three girls that i like and rank them from 3rd to 1st. I was stunned there and look at her, she was drinking her drink or biting the straw. They said photos are acceptable if they do not know them so i show my second heart for the 3rd rank, my ex for the second. Guess what the first, my friends were waiting for my answer and i was looking at her. Inside my heart, i was like, this will change everything and i know something might going to happen. Bad or good, i have to admit that, i cant lie to myself. I told my friends who is the girl i like the most there, after answering i didn't look at her. A friend said that i have the guts to say it out. Actually it's not about guts, it's i'm afraid that something will happen after saying it. After my turn, it's her turn, i wish i can stay longer but time is crawling in front of my door, i have to leave, i did not have the chance to know more about her or play with her.

i speed home, reached home, it was raining. I came out from the car, i actually look up at the sky. Looking at the rain falls on my face and i almost wanted to drop my tears. I was thinking what i did just now, was it right? telling others the truth behind i hide from others that i like her. Now i just feel like drinking more and get drunk to sleep, next day i will suffer like hell because intake of alcohol. I have sensitive stomach. Even i know that, i still feel like drinking because of what? what am i actually thinking right now? i.....really fall for her.

~HPB

Unexpected

Love, something which is complicated that related to relationship. Normally things will turn bad from good after a girl whom you like knows that you like her or you love her. There are two outcomes will happen, one of it, cold war occurred which means total stranger and another which commonly happened, said taking you as friend but ended up total stranger too. These happened to me and i was thinking that the same thing is going to happen to me again. I was thinking how am i going to survive this time, thinking that how am i going to let you go. However, i'm wrong, you did not ignore me, you really mean those words taking me as a friend of yours.

I red your blog the next day after i gave you my blogger link because i have the feeling that you will post a new post. That night after giving you my link, i was thinking that everything ends. Let things go by its own, let it be in its way. Hope, it's not something which i bear since the last time what happened when i was with my ex. Nevertheless, i was thinking that whether we are able to be friends again even after you know that i like you. It's stupid to think about it because i will never get the answer. Due to the feelings i have for you, all i wish it's even you do not like me, please do not ignore me. Even though, you do not like me, as long you take me as friend, i will be fine.

I do feel pain after reading your blog but not as pain as i thought so because you did something which i never expected, you still take me as friend. You did not ignore me, you still replies my message. You said and you did, not what my ex did to me. That is more than enough to cover the pain so what's left, i need time to pull myself back from crossing the line.

today, i went dinner with my friends and we were taking about relationship. I told them that i really hard to fall for girls and so far there are 5 of them that i fell. the first happened when i was young around 8 years old, consider that as puppy love. The second one, it's my second heart; third, it's one of my sisters, me as a third party; forth, my ex which i put all my trust and loyalty in it but everything just vanish in a blink and last it's you i fall. I did not tell them who is the last one, the fifth. I just tell them that it's secret. However one of them knew my secrets and she asked me whether do i still like the fifth one. If i answered that i'm not, i'm lying. It's impossible for me to say no, i really like you.

it's hard for me to let go but it does not mean that it's impossible, i need time for that. I like her, i really do. After reading her blog, i found one thing which is interesting. It is about one sided love; a guy asked a girl that isn't that suffering to love a person which the person does not love you? The girl actually answer that guy that even though you do not love me, as long i love you, i'm still in love, i'm not heart broken. It's kinda funny but it makes sense. Somehow this actually recalled what i did for my ex but that's passed.

I'm glad that you're still taking me as friend but i will still like you. I will still care for you even though you will feel disturbing. At least, you will remember me being there for you. You can find me whenever you want, i will absolutely be there for you as a friend. I want to be a friend which you can rely on, a friend that able to be there for you when you need someone the most, a friend which you can able to share your stuffs or secrets, a friend which you are able to trust, a friend which you can like or hate, more importantly, you'll can never feel alone, even the whole world against you, you have me beside you.

~HBP

Maybe it will

finally today, she is one of my reader in my blog, total of 5 friends of mine able to read my blog. I kept it from others because there's too many secret in my blog. This might be my last post for this month and this might changed after she read my blog. Today the event going to start at 6pm and it ends at 8pm after that everyone might have party after the music drama. Most importantly, i do hope that they will not order any alcohol or else I will really in deep trouble. Due to these days, I have things running up and down in my head, I afraid that I will spill out some secrets. mood swag, drink a little able to kill in me in instant.

However somehow I do hope that I'm drunk because i'm able to confess to her but its ridiculous . who would believe words that spoken from a person which is drunk. when a person is drunk, he can says whatever he wants but the things which spilled out, it's the truth behind. I thought that I wouldn't fall into relationship anymore, more like love a person anymore because of what happened the last time, it gave me so much pain. Now sitting beside her listen to the piano song I taught her. I feel very calm and more alive beside her. I always feel that i'll cheer up whenever she's there. Thinking what will happen after she read my blog, will she stop talking to me? Will she avoid me? I like her and that's the fact, I can't let her go and it's true. I fell into a deep pit which I'm unable to climb up and she is the one that lift me up unknowingly because she didn't know anything about what happened to me, I think. Nevertheless now she will know.

That day I had my talent competition, I played 'flower dance' because she likes it and its my favorite too. I entered final not because of the song but the feelings she gave me. Through out the piano play I was thinking of my ex , the pain she gave me and half way I thought of HER. The whole play changed , I asked some of my friends what did they hear from the song I played. One of them said she felt hope , a weak and fading hope and another one said sorrow. Why do i feel fading hope because of what my friend said, "don't hope too much but she supports me" ask me to add on and i did. i always do. They felt what I want to express, a journey which I went through these days. Hope that she was there that time to listen what I play because it was for her. The best way to understands me is when i play a piano officially or when i'm alone.

Today first time in my life, i have make up materials on my face, it looks weird on me but have to get use to it since I'm going to join lot events. Make up is kinda compulsory. Tears keep flowing out when they did something at my eyes. I look at her, she looks so cute and beautiful. Finally, I understand the feeling of a solid heart melt into a liquid form. I really fall for her. The final competition that will hold next week, I decided to play a medley. A medley that will tell her everything about me, what happened around me and what she is to me. Will she be there? if she's there, I wonder what she will feel from the play. I'm letting things go on own its on now, i do still chasing her but i must bear this in mind. love cannot be force, it would not bring happiness. Whether she likes me or not, at least she knows that there is someone that able to accept her weakness, wanted to be there for her, wanted to care for her, like her, love her and i really mean what i said. Though i study in a different block with her, i will still go to the block which is opposite her studied block to play the piano. I need to prepare for my final. I dont play for the price but i play for those that want to listen to my song and i hope that she is one of the audience.

~HBP

Facts and acceptance

it has been days i didn't write anything in my blog because there are too many things happened around me. I have been thinking a lot recently, most of them are sad memories. Since they are sad memories, my heart do not feel comfortable, i have health problem and i'm letting this affecting me. how great is it, what's more important than health? I have been telling myself continually not to forget to take care of my health. However i'm still the same, i do not care of my health even my condition got worst. I broke one of the promises i made with my second heart, that's not hurting yourself. i ended up hitting the stage, the floor and the sandbag. I mean really hard hitting i made, it's like i do not want my arm anymore, pain relief the frustration inside my heart? perhaps so.

these days i have been asking myself to stop thinking and dreaming things which will not happen. I need to learn to accept facts. I read her blog, knowing that there's something happened. Even before reading her blog, the day before when we have our supper in a mamak stall, i did notice that she's not alright but what can i do? I just walk away like i did not see anything. After reading her blog the next day, i'm glad that there's actually someone there for her. That's a great thing to know and that guy actually cheered her up. That's something which i cant do so i think who ever reading this should know what am i trying to say. I admit that i was jealous that the guy is not me but i have to accept the fact that i cant do what the guy did for her. Besides, it's not the first time that the guy actually appear in front of her when she needs someone the most. She felt comfortable and happy being with that guy, i can feel that, should say i can see that.

Besides it's been a while that i didn't message her continuously. When a guy like a girl, he will normally message the girl whenever the girl replied. However i didn't do that anymore, not that i don't want to. I have to know that does she really feel happy accepting my message? Now seriously, i got the feeling that i'm disturbing her. She's busy with others and i'm interrupting her. I accept her weakness but it seems she wouldn't be able to accept mine. Besides, there's a guy better than me, able to be there for her. I believe that guy able to accept her weakness too and she is able to accept that guy's weakness. All the things that i mention about that guy it's just a theory of mine, it might not be truth but normally it does. Observation is a curse in my life. Even things which is not obvious, i will make up a theory and prove it. I talked to my friend today, he asked me how to chase a girl. I explain to him my experience and he understood what exactly i want to explain. Chasing a girl is not what we call run after a girl. Chasing a girl, it simply means that you care for the girl and be able to be there for her when she needs you the most. Understanding is the most important thing in a relationship, i told that to my friend. These days, i have been frustrated because of this. Do i really understand her? She knows that i like her but she does not show me whether she likes me or I can't see it. So i have to make a decision, at first, i made that let her be with that guy, she will be happy, that's what i want to see. her smiling face, wasn't that great? during the practice just now, i understand of one thing that i can't let her go. I actually cant, why? i just went out from the practice hall and find a room to settle down.

i on my phone music, sad memories pop up and sitting alone in a cold freezing room. I wonder why do i feel uncomfortable from my heart. I just cross my arm to comfort myself, keep myself warm and hit my heart a little. I feel pain but i actually feel better after hitting it. Try to think positively and be open minded, walk into the practice hall again. I think i covered up the whole situation exactly what happened to me. I was wearing my fake smile the whole day in utar. so the fact is there, whether i can accept it and move on, decision, i actually asked myself to let her go perhaps. Maybe she is just a person which i feel comfortable to be with right now. However i don't think it's that way, the feelings that i actually have, it's very different from other. what should i do? stop or continue chasing her? I want to wish her good night everyday but it seems too much. Nevertheless, i do think that girls like boys wish them good night to end their day. I really do like to wish her, i really do.

under frustration, dont know what kind of decision to make, i like her. My friend asked me not to put too much hope in it but it's too late, i actually put a lot of hope in it. So ended up, i'm the one that get hurt again. me being naive i think, too kind, ended same thing happened. The one thing that i can confirm from the beginning, i have feelings for her and even till now, i still do.

~HPB

complicated frustration

My uni have a talent competition, my friends asked me to join since i know how to play piano. At first, i do not feel like playing because i'm not good and i never play in front of audience before. However they urged me to join and she's one of them too. I took sometime to make this decision, since i'm going to perform in the night ball, why don't i try to play for this too. The amount of audience in the ballroom is larger than this event. I thought of giving a try and let myself to overcome my fright-stage. I registered the last day of the registration. I chose "flower dance" for my performance. the day before i practiced in the other block of my uni. I thought i will be alone practicing but i met two of my friends and i asked them for opinion which songs should i play. At that time, i have not chosen any songs for the performance. I was down too that moment, it was hard for me to make decision at that time. Which song should i play? every single song i cant really play well since sad memories kept popping out. It will only make the song even down and it wouldn't be nice.

When i practiced, she came in and i was play "Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence", i stopped and look at her. Those sad memories just when off like a storm blow away by a strong wind but there's one memory pop up in my mind. That's i screwed her that day and she looks mad at that time too. Since she was there, i decided to play "apologize" to show my apologies to her on behalf what i did that day. Finish playing, she had to rush to her class so she left. There's one thing that i can confirm after that that is i'm totally fine after seeing her. My brain stop thinking negative stuffs and i'm able to choose which song should i play. I practiced till 4pm, she came in since i already promised to fetch her back. She wanted to learn "flower dance" my best piece, which i don't teach anyone. I'm selfish especially this piece of song. "flower dance" is a song that my friend intro me, i like it so much and i started to play it with piano and improvised it into my version. However, i taught her how to play. It's hard but she have the patience to learn and she really want to learn that song. Honestly, i never thought of teaching anyone this song because this song explains about my life. However i did and i was happy to do so too. Playing piano with her, sit besides her and teach her. she even play some of her pieces, i liked them too. I wouldn't be able to forget that moment with her. It will be a very precious piece of memory in my life.

a friend of mine told me that she knows that i like her and ask me not to hope too much. The reason behind it's because of her character and personality. I told my friend, the main problem its not that. I said i'm able to accept her weakness that's why i play with her all the time. That's why i like her and have the urge to chase her. She is playful but not as crazy as i am in my secondary school. My name was famous, have fame in school and the most surprising event is i had been punch by a teacher. that day on wards,i was so famous in school. After that incident, i totally turned into a different person but still there's part of me that i cant changed. I only reveal it to close friends because others will have problem accepting it. I want to be humble and avoid from any problems, away from troubles. I do not wish to go back how playful am i. Thus i told my friend that i'm able to accept her weakness. Weakness able to change, i'm not going to change her. No one have the rights to change a person's personality or characteristic but only herself. Thus, same goes to me, my weakness, not everyone able to accept it. I like her and she knows that i like her. Now does she likes me? I do not know. I would't do something dumb anymore, it only hurts me at the end. However, i'm still on it even though i know i will get hurt but i cant afford to let go a person which it's important to me right now.

my friend said that i wouldn't be able to accept her behavior and she's not revealing everything yet. Then i will wait till she reveals everything, i will say "are these your weakness? i will accept them" I believe she is more than that. she is special to me, she's like a drug to me now.

"I crossed the line
told myself to pull myself away
but my heart
let go of the rope
and let me go"

~HPB