It's just one week of not having any dance practice, i actually feel so bored at home.I did some body building and some dance moves practices in this period. I only allow to do that when my parents are not around since they do not really like me dancing because they afraid that i will hurt myself, i break dance by the way. Honestly, i think it was not because i'm bored at home but more like missing a person. I cannot believe that i actually miss her. Since when i put her in my life?
Isn't really there's a reaction between us? I have no idea but i'm sure of one thing, i like you. People kept saying that love have to be match only they are suitable to be together but for me i personality think it in another way. If it matches, everything between the couple, they have nothing to say anymore because they share everything which both of them already know. Maybe they can share for quite a while but there's a certain limit too right? My own thinking is almost something like what i said above but just some parts of it. The reason is the couple able to share their own interest to the other partner so that they have more things to talk too and able to understand each other better. Instead of sharing the same thing, end up it will get bored. That's how i think off or maybe i'm wrong?
I will express my feelings towards you by dancing and hope that you will get to understand how i feel. Alex and Jia Shin, two friends which i know able to express their feelings to each other by dancing and got together. I really jealous of them how they love each other because i did not have that when i got into a relationship. Why do i feel pain from my chest at this time, why do i feel upset for? Because i got into a cold relationship which only one-sided love? Doubts for me because something so called 'one-sided love' happened to me twice. The first one it took me one year to recover and now the second one which i never expected i fall into it again. I suffered like a mad man, tears dried up, blood bleed, body bruise. The pain was like a dagger stabs into my heart torturing me, twisting here and there.
I remember how i over the first one, i dance and that's why i'm active again in dancing. And you appear in my life, at first, i do not have any feelings towards you but now it's different. I actually worry for you, after knowing your history, you're life, some part of it, it's exactly the same like me. I understand how you feel, i really do. I went through under depression before, it's a hard time for me to stand up again and enter this wicked world i should say. My parents were so worried of me, looking at me getting thinner and thinner. 36 kg when i was 13 years old, can you imagine that? I wish you morning and night each day to let you know there's actually someone care for you
I admit that i still feel pain from what my ex-girl friend did to me but i feel better each time i look at you. When we dance together, i can totally felt no pain at all. So do you know how really important are you to me right now? I will try to understand you more and i hope that you will try to understand me too. Now, i just let things go by its own..... there's once i was weak even now but there's something actually make me strong and it is you
~HPB
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
worst day?
Something which is unbelievable happened today. I cannot accept it. It was just too impossible. I actually get band 2 for my Malaysia University English Test(MUET). It's a fail. I was so heart broken, i never fail in my English before. It was like a dream,a nightmare more like it.
I was so down after knowing the result. At first i'm so anxious to know my result, hoping to get band 4 or band 5 if i'm able too but it turns out band 2, which i never even expected. My friends were in shock knowing it. They know how good is my English, i'm not boasting, seriously, at least i can get a band 3 but band 2. Heart totally broke after knowing it. Emo for the whole day, wish that there's someone i can talk too.
I was thinking of a girl and actually talk to her too. To be exact, i have been talking to her these days. Trying to make myself feel better by talking to her. However end up, i'm encouraging her because she scares that she will fail her subjects. I cheered her up and changed to another topic, i don't want her to think more about it. If you keep thinking about it, it will only make you more worry and it's pointless to think about things which are not happening yet. So ya, i talk to her, cheer her up, dont want to see her being emo or sad. After reading her blog, i actually understand how she felt and what exactly happened in her life. I wanted to tell her that i don't feel happy today because of the MUET result, i almost burst in tears knowing that i only get band 2 and it's a fail, not even near to the passing marks. However i just talk to her like nothing goes wrong. Somehow i feel better each time i see her replies a bit by bit. Each time i talk to her, i really feel better, she can actually let me laugh and focus on talking to her only. I do not think that she knows that but time by time, she will notice it somehow or maybe not. Perhaps i think too much again.
How i wish i can tell her about me but she's just a person i just met. How can i just express what happen to me today, it's just too sudden for her. Nevertheless, things will review to her after 30th January since i promised her i will give her my blogger's link. Which i only give my blogger link to only friend that i trusted. I do hope that after she read my blog, she would not change her view towards me. I have no idea how she looks at me, how does she think about me but i do know one thing that i'm happy being with her, dancing with her. 'the feeling' i have with her, it's real. I know her now but not her real personality yet. I want to know you more. If you love a person, you're able to accept his/her weakness and help her to changed it if you are able too. So, like i said, let things flow on its own.
~HPB
I was so down after knowing the result. At first i'm so anxious to know my result, hoping to get band 4 or band 5 if i'm able too but it turns out band 2, which i never even expected. My friends were in shock knowing it. They know how good is my English, i'm not boasting, seriously, at least i can get a band 3 but band 2. Heart totally broke after knowing it. Emo for the whole day, wish that there's someone i can talk too.
I was thinking of a girl and actually talk to her too. To be exact, i have been talking to her these days. Trying to make myself feel better by talking to her. However end up, i'm encouraging her because she scares that she will fail her subjects. I cheered her up and changed to another topic, i don't want her to think more about it. If you keep thinking about it, it will only make you more worry and it's pointless to think about things which are not happening yet. So ya, i talk to her, cheer her up, dont want to see her being emo or sad. After reading her blog, i actually understand how she felt and what exactly happened in her life. I wanted to tell her that i don't feel happy today because of the MUET result, i almost burst in tears knowing that i only get band 2 and it's a fail, not even near to the passing marks. However i just talk to her like nothing goes wrong. Somehow i feel better each time i see her replies a bit by bit. Each time i talk to her, i really feel better, she can actually let me laugh and focus on talking to her only. I do not think that she knows that but time by time, she will notice it somehow or maybe not. Perhaps i think too much again.
How i wish i can tell her about me but she's just a person i just met. How can i just express what happen to me today, it's just too sudden for her. Nevertheless, things will review to her after 30th January since i promised her i will give her my blogger's link. Which i only give my blogger link to only friend that i trusted. I do hope that after she read my blog, she would not change her view towards me. I have no idea how she looks at me, how does she think about me but i do know one thing that i'm happy being with her, dancing with her. 'the feeling' i have with her, it's real. I know her now but not her real personality yet. I want to know you more. If you love a person, you're able to accept his/her weakness and help her to changed it if you are able too. So, like i said, let things flow on its own.
~HPB
Sunday, January 6, 2013
are you the one?
I have been busy practicing dance moves these days with my dance buddies. We are preparing for the in coming event that hold on 30th of January. So this is how the story begins, someone actually helped me to calm my mind down and totally able to let me forget about my ex-girl friend,i actually able to put my ex-girl friend a side, which i never expected. I even tested myself to thinK about my ex but somehow it would not work because of her? The funniest part is she might not know that. It sounds weird but its true.
I do not know her from the start, i know her only when therE was a dance practice in my uni. She's from art stream and i'm from science so we're from different blocks. The first day i see her, first thing comes in my mind is gosh this girl is so 'lala'. Maybe because of what color she dyed her hair, too bright perhaps. I haven't got to know her at that time. I only talk to my old dance buddies, since she just join us so i need time to know her too in order for me to talk to her.
after few days of practices, i stilL have not really start a conversation with her. Until when it comes to our semester break, we are having our practices in a studio and from there everything changed. From that day,i should say, even my personality changed a bit. I started to look at her almost all of the time when she dances. It makes me laugh, it makes me feel like there's actually someone i can dance with. Which able to dance and laugh with me
We're practicing couple dance these days and she's my partner. some of my friends know that i'm a shy and very polite person. I would not dare to touch a girl's body unless i got their permission. Think about it, if you dance, it's impossible you dont touch someone's body. However, this is where something different of me. I actually did not ask for her permission and i just hold her and do the moves. I have no idea how she thinks of me and i cant believe i actually do that. Perhaps we are just dancing? holding hands and touching body just for the sake of dancing? who knows? I'm different, i'm a very expressive and emotionaL person. Come to think about it, i actually hold her and i feel something, something which is warm, it makes me feel comfortable. Sometimes, after the moves or before leaving the studio, i would like to move in front of her and give her a hug. Nevertheless, think about it, it just too soon or sudden.
ReallY, somehow there's something from her makes me feel like so not myself. I'm actually enjoy being with her. How i wish the time can go slower so that i can see her longer. Who would not wish to stay with a person that able to make you laugh and enjoy your moment. Let things flow on its own, i would take action only if she really trusts and understands me. for now, let things go on its own, let it be that way or this way. Let it be~
~HPB
I do not know her from the start, i know her only when therE was a dance practice in my uni. She's from art stream and i'm from science so we're from different blocks. The first day i see her, first thing comes in my mind is gosh this girl is so 'lala'. Maybe because of what color she dyed her hair, too bright perhaps. I haven't got to know her at that time. I only talk to my old dance buddies, since she just join us so i need time to know her too in order for me to talk to her.
after few days of practices, i stilL have not really start a conversation with her. Until when it comes to our semester break, we are having our practices in a studio and from there everything changed. From that day,i should say, even my personality changed a bit. I started to look at her almost all of the time when she dances. It makes me laugh, it makes me feel like there's actually someone i can dance with. Which able to dance and laugh with me
We're practicing couple dance these days and she's my partner. some of my friends know that i'm a shy and very polite person. I would not dare to touch a girl's body unless i got their permission. Think about it, if you dance, it's impossible you dont touch someone's body. However, this is where something different of me. I actually did not ask for her permission and i just hold her and do the moves. I have no idea how she thinks of me and i cant believe i actually do that. Perhaps we are just dancing? holding hands and touching body just for the sake of dancing? who knows? I'm different, i'm a very expressive and emotionaL person. Come to think about it, i actually hold her and i feel something, something which is warm, it makes me feel comfortable. Sometimes, after the moves or before leaving the studio, i would like to move in front of her and give her a hug. Nevertheless, think about it, it just too soon or sudden.
ReallY, somehow there's something from her makes me feel like so not myself. I'm actually enjoy being with her. How i wish the time can go slower so that i can see her longer. Who would not wish to stay with a person that able to make you laugh and enjoy your moment. Let things flow on its own, i would take action only if she really trusts and understands me. for now, let things go on its own, let it be that way or this way. Let it be~
~HPB
Friday, January 4, 2013
a lie behind the scene
(music playing~~~)*
i open my eyes and find where is the music from. It was my phone alarm, looking at the time, it was only 5:45am. I went back to sleep and things doesn't go smoothly, enter a dream which i never expected.
Honestly, these days, my ex kept appearing in my dreams. Each of the dreams, it does not make sense even though it's like something real but i just do not believe it. Since we already broke up so it is something impossible for her to do that and base on her personally, she would not do something like this. I do not believe in dreams. Some people even say that if the person appear in your dreams , it is because he/she is missing you. This clearly tells me that it's impossible. She never miss me.
Yesterday, i was chatting with my closest friend, she does not seem happy. Thus, i try to cheer her up, but i think i failed. what a failure..what else can i say. She replied me kinda cold too but i do understand why. Then why am i upset? maybe she reminds me of my ex the way how my ex replied my message. Even though the messages she replied to me is not as cold as my ex but it does affect me somehow. My closest friend did apologize for being cold to me but it was too late. I just cover up the whole truth and ask her to sleep. Next, I try to sleep with my pain , hopefully the next morning i will be alright.
next morning, the feeling gone worst. I feel pain in my chest which i dislike the most. what exactly happen to me? My body is getting weaker,why? It was so easy to type "=)" in the text but reality i'm not smiling at all. Asking myself, am i going to lose another friend which i trust the most again? It is the same feeling when i broke up with my ex. However, i need to make myself clear of one thing, i'm just a friend of hers, am not her boy friend or anything.
I have been thinking too much lately again and again. Brain keep thinking why, fake smile always on my face to cover up the truth. Sometimes, being too strong, people will never notice that you're actually facing troubles or upset. Should i say that? I do not like to show people my weakness but if they really want to know the truth, they can talk to me but i would not tell the exact story of it. Because i cannot afford to simply trust anyone anymore. I lose myself once and hopefully there's no second time. I covered up a lot these days, i wander when will i actually able to stop that. Telling people that i'm fine, i'm alright, but the truth, you guys have to find out whether isn't true.
~HPB
i open my eyes and find where is the music from. It was my phone alarm, looking at the time, it was only 5:45am. I went back to sleep and things doesn't go smoothly, enter a dream which i never expected.
Honestly, these days, my ex kept appearing in my dreams. Each of the dreams, it does not make sense even though it's like something real but i just do not believe it. Since we already broke up so it is something impossible for her to do that and base on her personally, she would not do something like this. I do not believe in dreams. Some people even say that if the person appear in your dreams , it is because he/she is missing you. This clearly tells me that it's impossible. She never miss me.
Yesterday, i was chatting with my closest friend, she does not seem happy. Thus, i try to cheer her up, but i think i failed. what a failure..what else can i say. She replied me kinda cold too but i do understand why. Then why am i upset? maybe she reminds me of my ex the way how my ex replied my message. Even though the messages she replied to me is not as cold as my ex but it does affect me somehow. My closest friend did apologize for being cold to me but it was too late. I just cover up the whole truth and ask her to sleep. Next, I try to sleep with my pain , hopefully the next morning i will be alright.
next morning, the feeling gone worst. I feel pain in my chest which i dislike the most. what exactly happen to me? My body is getting weaker,why? It was so easy to type "=)" in the text but reality i'm not smiling at all. Asking myself, am i going to lose another friend which i trust the most again? It is the same feeling when i broke up with my ex. However, i need to make myself clear of one thing, i'm just a friend of hers, am not her boy friend or anything.
I have been thinking too much lately again and again. Brain keep thinking why, fake smile always on my face to cover up the truth. Sometimes, being too strong, people will never notice that you're actually facing troubles or upset. Should i say that? I do not like to show people my weakness but if they really want to know the truth, they can talk to me but i would not tell the exact story of it. Because i cannot afford to simply trust anyone anymore. I lose myself once and hopefully there's no second time. I covered up a lot these days, i wander when will i actually able to stop that. Telling people that i'm fine, i'm alright, but the truth, you guys have to find out whether isn't true.
~HPB
The second heart of mine (part II)
So she knows that i love her. She knows that i will always be there for her. She did asked me the same question whether we should walk this journey. We both know that the path would not be long ,until a certain journey, we have to let go of each other. That's very hurtful and we have something common which is unable to hurt someone(hurt a close friend). Therefore both of us agree not to have relationship and we maintain our friendship.
Truth enough,she did not avoid from me. She maintained our friendship. When i have troubles i will talk to her, tell her my problems and she listens. Which is why i like her, she can be there for me just to listen to my problems. When she has any problems, i will always ask her to tell me not to swallow it up because its going to be very suffering. I will always be there for her, i cannot afford to see her upset or suffer.
There's one day, something happened to her which make her cry and upset. I asked her to call me and we have a long talk. I'm glad that she calm downed and able to sleep. When i heard that she cried, it's like a dagger just straight away stab on my heart. As I said, i cannot afford to see her suffer. the next day, i brought her out, make her feel better. I trust her and believe she will be better and stronger. I just broke up with my girl friend and she did not know that she actually helped me a lot too.
by hearing to your voices, by looking at your messages; honestly speaking, i will feel better. A girl which i like since young and love her now. It's like a drama series, we love each other but we cannot be together. However i am glad that you did not forget me. Which is something i am very afraid off, forget my existence, but you did not. for example, my ex girl friend, said to be best friend but to me it's more like a stranger now. Don't promise anything which you cannot do, you will only hurt the person. I been hurt few times from my ex. Friends been telling me to let her go , i did but it seems not totally yet. It's like a bunch of candles in front of you. You took one up and you feel that your world is brighter. however you need to put it back, let it go before the wax or the fire burns your hand. There's my problem, i did not let go my hand and that's why i am hurt.
Nevertheless, right now, i know that there's someone which i able to love and she is the one. Even though we cannot be together, we can still stick together. We share our problems and help each other. I love her, yes i really do but it's clear, i will definitely not crossing that line. Even though we cannot be together i never let go of you. Sometimes, think about it friendship is better than relationship. Some of the things are able to share to your close friends instead of your boy or girl friend. My relationship between her right now is my closest friend, a friend which i able to trust, a girl which i like since young, a girl which i love and never let go and last but not least she is my second heart.
~HPB
Truth enough,she did not avoid from me. She maintained our friendship. When i have troubles i will talk to her, tell her my problems and she listens. Which is why i like her, she can be there for me just to listen to my problems. When she has any problems, i will always ask her to tell me not to swallow it up because its going to be very suffering. I will always be there for her, i cannot afford to see her upset or suffer.
There's one day, something happened to her which make her cry and upset. I asked her to call me and we have a long talk. I'm glad that she calm downed and able to sleep. When i heard that she cried, it's like a dagger just straight away stab on my heart. As I said, i cannot afford to see her suffer. the next day, i brought her out, make her feel better. I trust her and believe she will be better and stronger. I just broke up with my girl friend and she did not know that she actually helped me a lot too.
by hearing to your voices, by looking at your messages; honestly speaking, i will feel better. A girl which i like since young and love her now. It's like a drama series, we love each other but we cannot be together. However i am glad that you did not forget me. Which is something i am very afraid off, forget my existence, but you did not. for example, my ex girl friend, said to be best friend but to me it's more like a stranger now. Don't promise anything which you cannot do, you will only hurt the person. I been hurt few times from my ex. Friends been telling me to let her go , i did but it seems not totally yet. It's like a bunch of candles in front of you. You took one up and you feel that your world is brighter. however you need to put it back, let it go before the wax or the fire burns your hand. There's my problem, i did not let go my hand and that's why i am hurt.
Nevertheless, right now, i know that there's someone which i able to love and she is the one. Even though we cannot be together, we can still stick together. We share our problems and help each other. I love her, yes i really do but it's clear, i will definitely not crossing that line. Even though we cannot be together i never let go of you. Sometimes, think about it friendship is better than relationship. Some of the things are able to share to your close friends instead of your boy or girl friend. My relationship between her right now is my closest friend, a friend which i able to trust, a girl which i like since young, a girl which i love and never let go and last but not least she is my second heart.
~HPB
Thursday, January 3, 2013
The second heart of mine (part I)
how should i start this?
perhaps from our history?
I like a girl since i was young, a primary school friend i should say or my English rival. I have no idea why do i like her. The answer for that question is what i have been searching till now and I finally know the right answer for it......
After graduated from my primary school, we did not keep in touch actually. I'm a shy little boy that time, i cannot talk well nor social with others. So, we did not talk nor see each other for about 1 or 2 years until i found out one of my friend have her e-mail address. Of course, i asked it from my friend since she is a girl which i like since young. We chat in live messenger and i start to know more about her. Her life i should say but it's just the general stuffs. Some of things are private so i do not ask more
We have been planning to organize a gathering with our primary school friends and one of the gathering actually reveal me a secret of hers. To be honest, i already know that , I do mind and get jealous when she hugged the guy she likes. A guy which is handsome and rich i should say, smart too. I was standing there looking at her. My mind tells me, seeing her happy and smile, its all i want to see.
time passed, we still chat with each other. However when she has boy friend, i will stop or do not message her or chat with her so often. I do not like misunderstanding. Though i said i like her but love and like are totally different things. She does not share with me her personal stuffs and i respect that.
time by time, i found out that she is single and i already at a stage of liking her so much. We talk and chat quite often that time. I know there will be a lot of competitors too. I do not mind, this is up to her whether who she chooses and i will respect her choice. One night, i confessed to her. She was shocked and things went smoothly(we still talk to each other). Make it clean, she hasn't approve me yet that time. I continue to chase her but there's a little obstacles between us which separate us. Knowing that, i let her go. It's not something easy, a girl which i like so much since young and i care for her so much. i never thought of letting go actually. I no longer like her, i love her. Nevertheless, whenever she needs me, i will always be there for her, something like a guardian protecting her.
~ HPB
perhaps from our history?
I like a girl since i was young, a primary school friend i should say or my English rival. I have no idea why do i like her. The answer for that question is what i have been searching till now and I finally know the right answer for it......
After graduated from my primary school, we did not keep in touch actually. I'm a shy little boy that time, i cannot talk well nor social with others. So, we did not talk nor see each other for about 1 or 2 years until i found out one of my friend have her e-mail address. Of course, i asked it from my friend since she is a girl which i like since young. We chat in live messenger and i start to know more about her. Her life i should say but it's just the general stuffs. Some of things are private so i do not ask more
We have been planning to organize a gathering with our primary school friends and one of the gathering actually reveal me a secret of hers. To be honest, i already know that , I do mind and get jealous when she hugged the guy she likes. A guy which is handsome and rich i should say, smart too. I was standing there looking at her. My mind tells me, seeing her happy and smile, its all i want to see.
time passed, we still chat with each other. However when she has boy friend, i will stop or do not message her or chat with her so often. I do not like misunderstanding. Though i said i like her but love and like are totally different things. She does not share with me her personal stuffs and i respect that.
time by time, i found out that she is single and i already at a stage of liking her so much. We talk and chat quite often that time. I know there will be a lot of competitors too. I do not mind, this is up to her whether who she chooses and i will respect her choice. One night, i confessed to her. She was shocked and things went smoothly(we still talk to each other). Make it clean, she hasn't approve me yet that time. I continue to chase her but there's a little obstacles between us which separate us. Knowing that, i let her go. It's not something easy, a girl which i like so much since young and i care for her so much. i never thought of letting go actually. I no longer like her, i love her. Nevertheless, whenever she needs me, i will always be there for her, something like a guardian protecting her.
~ HPB
Monday, December 31, 2012
a new day perhaps
It's been a hard time for me yesterday late night for me to think of everything , every single piece of my 'puzzles'. thinking why do i fall in love with them. I did not take any actions for i know i will take this very seriously, end up if anything happened, i will get all the pain because i cannot afford to see people to suffer. I will swallow all the pain to myself.
this morning, i was still thinking what should i do. It is useless to tell anyone my problem since the problem is with me because i swallow up all the pain. i suffer alone. seeing things negatively is so common for me now. think about it, maybe i am the one that causes this. maybe i am the one created things which would not happen.
i chased 5 girls, one of them i successfully being with her but we broke up somehow with unreasonable excuses. Me, felt pain since i swallow all the pain. what a gentlemen and a naive person to be. This world will kill me definitely. what choice can i make? change my life perhaps? a positive happy person change to a totally different attitude guy? perhaps? maybe this might help me? i dont know.
it is easy to turn bad then good. i tried and now i was thinking maybe this time i will do the same to release the bad side of me. this world is more evil than i thought, in order to follow the trend, i think for now, this is needed. i changed and it would not be nice. Who said that "i know his not like that" , maybe it's time for you to take back your words. because right now, the person you're seeing will be different from before. who really understands me? for me, i will answer only my family or perhaps one more person
things will be different from now on. i would not be all the time good anymore, it is time for me to let you guys see who really i am and it's time for you to make up your mind whether you still want to stick with me. friends? brothers? sisters? i don't know how you guys will look at me. how many of them are real? who knows?
~HPB(Heartless Piano Boy)
this morning, i was still thinking what should i do. It is useless to tell anyone my problem since the problem is with me because i swallow up all the pain. i suffer alone. seeing things negatively is so common for me now. think about it, maybe i am the one that causes this. maybe i am the one created things which would not happen.
i chased 5 girls, one of them i successfully being with her but we broke up somehow with unreasonable excuses. Me, felt pain since i swallow all the pain. what a gentlemen and a naive person to be. This world will kill me definitely. what choice can i make? change my life perhaps? a positive happy person change to a totally different attitude guy? perhaps? maybe this might help me? i dont know.
it is easy to turn bad then good. i tried and now i was thinking maybe this time i will do the same to release the bad side of me. this world is more evil than i thought, in order to follow the trend, i think for now, this is needed. i changed and it would not be nice. Who said that "i know his not like that" , maybe it's time for you to take back your words. because right now, the person you're seeing will be different from before. who really understands me? for me, i will answer only my family or perhaps one more person
things will be different from now on. i would not be all the time good anymore, it is time for me to let you guys see who really i am and it's time for you to make up your mind whether you still want to stick with me. friends? brothers? sisters? i don't know how you guys will look at me. how many of them are real? who knows?
~HPB(Heartless Piano Boy)
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