True enough that i have been not writing anything in this blog not because i'm busy nor lazy. Its more like i have so many things to write but i don't know what to write because things just not easy to throw them out anymore. Back to what i used to be, the one who don't really rely on blog and keep everything inside my little tiny brain. If it suffers then let it be, its not that i can't handle them anyway;rather suffer alone, sacrifice is needed to achieve happiness for others. perhaps i'm mad but don't you think seeing those smile on your friends' face feels good though you have to suffer to have that, i think its worth doing so... Life, its never easy; even you try to create one, there's always something which will screw the whole plan, situation, environment and surrounding. So that's my life, i never expect my friends to understand me simply because my life is complicated, easy things just do not exist in front of me.
though life is complicated but it helps me to show who and what is important in my life. Recently, i have been with my dance buddies. They are funny and cute, a bunch of good friends that can play with. We had our dance performance few days ago for our university exchange program between Japanese. Talking about the performance, i felt that i did not do well on that day. K-pop, i started dance k-pop while i was in secondary school and stopped after 1-2 months after knowing that its not really my style. I did my best but it still sucks after watching the video that my DSLR took which i placed in the hall. Nevertheless we pulled it off and now proceeding to another up coming performance for Halloween.
As i said, i have been with my dance buddies these few weeks so we ended up created a 'family' and i was posted as grandpa which i think is a good post for me since i'm the eldest among all of them. Though we are from different courses, we maintain our relationship through Facebook chat and google+ hangouts. Isn't that awesome to see them that way, just that i don't know why am i getting further away from them hahaha i think too much? Maybe because of maturity, they can play things which are childish and don't even care of their fame. When that happens, i just stand beside looking at them and smile, which maybe a good 'reaction'. i wish to join them, the body is willing but the mind is suppressing it. Perhaps i can't go crazy in front of them because they doesn't know anything about me. Anyway i just try my best to join them if i'm able to or exceptional case which can makes me high on that day.
always think positive which always makes me think negative at the same time. Have been too good thinking around and cycle it, its like never ending. "Secrets are meant to be reveal" which i used to say but "Between secrets there are secrets which you rather not reveal than revealing it" is the one that's circling in my mind now. Words are just words;two type of words, tangible or intangible and two kinds of secrets, lie or truth. lost or found, who knows..
HPB
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
way it went
life is simple, its just that how we view and walk it, whether to maintain it to be as simple as it is or else make it complicated as no one is able to understand.
that's what people think nowadays, they want to make their life as simple as it is but ended up they did not even notice themselves are the one that make things more complicated. Recently, i don't post any updates nor status in my Facebook anymore, i felt that it was not necessary and my parents are there so i rather keep everything to myself. However, if i update my status in Facebook,most probably the status send an important message to my friends or else i wouldn't even bother updating it. I went back to my Google+ social network which i abandoned it two years ago, that social network is much more peaceful than Facebook or Twitter. I don't update much but spend more time on reading the news over there since Google+ is like a live social network, updating news quite often. And if i really do need to update any status, i will update it in either Google+ or Twitter.
"what are you thinking?" this is the question i get most of the time recently and all i replied is "nothing/just craps" but actually my brain is thinking bunch of stuffs, important things, events, friendship, dance, life, experience and more further things and possibilities. I just cannot stop thinking, i think a lot and sometimes it reached the stage of going crazy and when that happens, i will just walk away from my friends, asking them to go a head without me or find an excuses to get away from them. why? i don't like to pull my friends into my shoes,i want they to stay happy so i choose to walk away whenever i'm that stage. They wouldn't be worrying me since in their mind they always thinks that i'm the strongest and the wisest among them. perhaps even a strongest person will fall in certain time...
its hard to find someone that i trust and able to tell everything in my mind, my burdens and worries. Even if i have friends that i can trust, it is weird that i cannot even open my mouth to tell them at all. I just felt that everything have to be kept to myself, no one have to knows about it like i used to be. None of my friends know about my stuffs until the day i broke up with my ex, they force me to tell everything. Great brothers but i really hope they understand what i told them and i wish they wouldn't go through the things i went through even they do, i will help them no matter what. And true enough, some of them came and find me but all i will do is to guide them, not giving answers but opinions, decision is theirs to make.
since no one that i can tell my stuffs and it impossible for me to keep it this way or else brain will burst, just stay at the side of the corner and brain will haunt you questions that makes you suffer. Everyone have their own way to solve this problem and mine is dancing. That is one my the reasons that's why i dance so i said "dance is my life" but not everyone get the meaning of it, without dance i think i wouldn't be surviving now. Recently been busy preparing for in coming performance and unbelievable that i'm going to touch k-pop dance again. I stopped once years ago so give myself another try to gain back the feeling of the song. Honestly, i never feel much better being with my dance buddies, dance together, share skills and happiness. I always try my best to make any practices they have as long they don't clash my time with my church, i will definitely be there.
these days, there are two songs in my mind keep on playing and i felt like choreographing it. its going to be a contemporary dance which i have no experience at all. Might going to start from learning more through videos, it might be great or the worst haha give myself a try on something new. Meanwhile also focusing on up coming performance and try to improve my breakdance stunts and parkour
its difficult and suffering to keep words that you actually wanted to say but for people's happiness sake, you rather swallow the whole thing up and just tend to act nothing. Perhaps my way to keep people happy, pull them high up the mountain and i will be happy to see their smiling faces. i worry maybe i think too much or maybe i know but i don't ask, even if i ask i know the reply is a lie so ended up stuck in the same place. In my life there's no simple perhaps only complication. complication to protect myself from being hurt again. its not that i don't want my life to be simple and think easily its i can't do so
HPB
that's what people think nowadays, they want to make their life as simple as it is but ended up they did not even notice themselves are the one that make things more complicated. Recently, i don't post any updates nor status in my Facebook anymore, i felt that it was not necessary and my parents are there so i rather keep everything to myself. However, if i update my status in Facebook,most probably the status send an important message to my friends or else i wouldn't even bother updating it. I went back to my Google+ social network which i abandoned it two years ago, that social network is much more peaceful than Facebook or Twitter. I don't update much but spend more time on reading the news over there since Google+ is like a live social network, updating news quite often. And if i really do need to update any status, i will update it in either Google+ or Twitter.
"what are you thinking?" this is the question i get most of the time recently and all i replied is "nothing/just craps" but actually my brain is thinking bunch of stuffs, important things, events, friendship, dance, life, experience and more further things and possibilities. I just cannot stop thinking, i think a lot and sometimes it reached the stage of going crazy and when that happens, i will just walk away from my friends, asking them to go a head without me or find an excuses to get away from them. why? i don't like to pull my friends into my shoes,i want they to stay happy so i choose to walk away whenever i'm that stage. They wouldn't be worrying me since in their mind they always thinks that i'm the strongest and the wisest among them. perhaps even a strongest person will fall in certain time...
its hard to find someone that i trust and able to tell everything in my mind, my burdens and worries. Even if i have friends that i can trust, it is weird that i cannot even open my mouth to tell them at all. I just felt that everything have to be kept to myself, no one have to knows about it like i used to be. None of my friends know about my stuffs until the day i broke up with my ex, they force me to tell everything. Great brothers but i really hope they understand what i told them and i wish they wouldn't go through the things i went through even they do, i will help them no matter what. And true enough, some of them came and find me but all i will do is to guide them, not giving answers but opinions, decision is theirs to make.
since no one that i can tell my stuffs and it impossible for me to keep it this way or else brain will burst, just stay at the side of the corner and brain will haunt you questions that makes you suffer. Everyone have their own way to solve this problem and mine is dancing. That is one my the reasons that's why i dance so i said "dance is my life" but not everyone get the meaning of it, without dance i think i wouldn't be surviving now. Recently been busy preparing for in coming performance and unbelievable that i'm going to touch k-pop dance again. I stopped once years ago so give myself another try to gain back the feeling of the song. Honestly, i never feel much better being with my dance buddies, dance together, share skills and happiness. I always try my best to make any practices they have as long they don't clash my time with my church, i will definitely be there.
these days, there are two songs in my mind keep on playing and i felt like choreographing it. its going to be a contemporary dance which i have no experience at all. Might going to start from learning more through videos, it might be great or the worst haha give myself a try on something new. Meanwhile also focusing on up coming performance and try to improve my breakdance stunts and parkour
its difficult and suffering to keep words that you actually wanted to say but for people's happiness sake, you rather swallow the whole thing up and just tend to act nothing. Perhaps my way to keep people happy, pull them high up the mountain and i will be happy to see their smiling faces. i worry maybe i think too much or maybe i know but i don't ask, even if i ask i know the reply is a lie so ended up stuck in the same place. In my life there's no simple perhaps only complication. complication to protect myself from being hurt again. its not that i don't want my life to be simple and think easily its i can't do so
HPB
Friday, August 30, 2013
that smile
today,its the day where our country called the independent day; once the clock reached 12am, the place where i stayed, the blue dark sky all lighted up with colorful fireworks and noises which annoys me. Independent day, a day where everyone will stay at home and rest, a day where adults able to sleep till noon time, a day where kids unable to watch their favorite morning cartoons, a day where everyone will only think its holiday instead of independent day. Simply its means not everyone do care about today but we citizen of Malaysia still look forward the day where there is no boxes for cina, malay, india or others in any paper form, just a box which written malaysian, isn't that the best answer? whether will it happen? anyway still there is a lot of thing which we need to achieve to build this country.
enough of the independent day, what so special about today is K's birthday, that's why i remember this day. honestly speaking i never remember this day for years after since my primary school. Primary school is because they will print an announcement and ask us to bring back home to show our parents that's why i remember and after that i never remember that day until that exact day comes. Anyway, today is her birthday, she celebrated her birthday in her house if i'm not mistaken with a friend of hers who has the same day of birthday too. She looks happy in the photo, that's the smile i want to see. I do hope that she enjoy her birthday celebration with her friends, should be awesome. I don't have that kind of celebration before but on my birthday which happened this year, K actually helped me to celebrate with my dancing friends and friends that i made during the preparation of Mirage, a music drama show. A day which i will remember.
So its your birthday, i remember so clearly that early of the month you said "don't you dare to see me without present on my birthday " but you did not know that i actually already planned everything when to go and buy your present,what to buy and others hahaha i was just waiting for the day to come. that few days,I bet you did notice that i kept asking you when are you going to be in PJ since its the last week for the semester, everyone prefer to stay at their hometown and study for their finals. I thought of going to your house to deliver to you if you really not planning to come down but you did come down and its only that day for that dance practice. I personally prefer to give birthday present before the actually birthday or even better on the exact day, never been in my mind to give a belated present, i felt weird doing so. I gave you the present and you looked happy, which the only thing i wanted to see, your happy face and that smile. You wanted to open the present in front of me which you said that you did to everyone but i'm glad that you did not do so in front of me hahaha i prefer the host open it while i'm not around.
so here's your present
i'm glad that you like it very much =) the day you helped me to dyed my hair, i asked you which color do you like and you answered as long its colorful. you made my head spin honestly but day after day i noticed that you actually got into purple a lot so conclude buying things which is purple. Knowing a bit of you, your style so i know what taste do you like and getting a watch its something which you hope to have isn't it? hahaha watch, i do hope that it will help you in future and you wouldn't get lost in time XD actually i thought of bringing you to Putrajaya to watch fireworks for your birthday which is the one that shared in facebook but too bad finals is around the corner and i have much more to cover, perhaps next year. Anyway the promise that i promised to you, i wouldn't forget, which is our next photo shooting venue will be in Putrajaya and its night view. i can't wait to take the colorful bridge which i wanted and you're going to be the model of that day hahaha
alright this is what i wrote in the letter which was contained in her present,
"祝你青春美丽，愿你梦想成真，生日快乐，XX。虽然有时你对我有点冷淡，但你有时也有让我感觉温暖，谢谢你=)你别emo了，不然你那笑容我再也看不见了。记得你并不是一个人，有什么事，请跟我说，像我平时都说的，你可以找我，我一定会在。好了，你别多想，考试加油，我在pc等你 也许你讨厌的朋友， XX"
haha =) smile can be fake...but that smile of yours which i saw, it's the one kind which makes you who really you are. stay happy as always K. life its complicated, there's a lot of ups and downs but tell yourself that you have infinite of reasons for you to live happily. all the best and good luck in your finals ya
HPB
enough of the independent day, what so special about today is K's birthday, that's why i remember this day. honestly speaking i never remember this day for years after since my primary school. Primary school is because they will print an announcement and ask us to bring back home to show our parents that's why i remember and after that i never remember that day until that exact day comes. Anyway, today is her birthday, she celebrated her birthday in her house if i'm not mistaken with a friend of hers who has the same day of birthday too. She looks happy in the photo, that's the smile i want to see. I do hope that she enjoy her birthday celebration with her friends, should be awesome. I don't have that kind of celebration before but on my birthday which happened this year, K actually helped me to celebrate with my dancing friends and friends that i made during the preparation of Mirage, a music drama show. A day which i will remember.
So its your birthday, i remember so clearly that early of the month you said "don't you dare to see me without present on my birthday " but you did not know that i actually already planned everything when to go and buy your present,what to buy and others hahaha i was just waiting for the day to come. that few days,I bet you did notice that i kept asking you when are you going to be in PJ since its the last week for the semester, everyone prefer to stay at their hometown and study for their finals. I thought of going to your house to deliver to you if you really not planning to come down but you did come down and its only that day for that dance practice. I personally prefer to give birthday present before the actually birthday or even better on the exact day, never been in my mind to give a belated present, i felt weird doing so. I gave you the present and you looked happy, which the only thing i wanted to see, your happy face and that smile. You wanted to open the present in front of me which you said that you did to everyone but i'm glad that you did not do so in front of me hahaha i prefer the host open it while i'm not around.
so here's your present
i'm glad that you like it very much =) the day you helped me to dyed my hair, i asked you which color do you like and you answered as long its colorful. you made my head spin honestly but day after day i noticed that you actually got into purple a lot so conclude buying things which is purple. Knowing a bit of you, your style so i know what taste do you like and getting a watch its something which you hope to have isn't it? hahaha watch, i do hope that it will help you in future and you wouldn't get lost in time XD actually i thought of bringing you to Putrajaya to watch fireworks for your birthday which is the one that shared in facebook but too bad finals is around the corner and i have much more to cover, perhaps next year. Anyway the promise that i promised to you, i wouldn't forget, which is our next photo shooting venue will be in Putrajaya and its night view. i can't wait to take the colorful bridge which i wanted and you're going to be the model of that day hahaha
alright this is what i wrote in the letter which was contained in her present,
"祝你青春美丽，愿你梦想成真，生日快乐，XX。虽然有时你对我有点冷淡，但你有时也有让我感觉温暖，谢谢你=)你别emo了，不然你那笑容我再也看不见了。记得你并不是一个人，有什么事，请跟我说，像我平时都说的，你可以找我，我一定会在。好了，你别多想，考试加油，我在pc等你 也许你讨厌的朋友， XX"
haha =) smile can be fake...but that smile of yours which i saw, it's the one kind which makes you who really you are. stay happy as always K. life its complicated, there's a lot of ups and downs but tell yourself that you have infinite of reasons for you to live happily. all the best and good luck in your finals ya
HPB
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Wind Flew
it's been a while that i did not write anything here, i was too busy with my university assignments and flooded with midterms too. other than that, of course there is bunch of things i would like to write it here but somehow i feel lazy to write. Like i said before, bunch of things, which means a lot, there's too much for me to write, its impossible for me to write everything. anyway, today feel like coming here and type some stuffs which happened days ago.
I had a great time with K on Tuesday and i hope she was too. Something scared her the day before so i decided to bring her out and she wanted to see graffiti. She was so interested and so looking forward to see those arts. I knew a place which have a whole row of it thus bring her there and do photo shootings at the same time to improve and gain back my photo shooting skills. I like graffiti too but too bad at that time, my friends they do not really like them so each time we pass by there, they will just continue to walk. I wanted to stay there and see each of it but since i'm the only one that like it so they would not wait for me. Normally, i only had a glance to see the graffiti. So that day i brought her there, she was so happy. in addition surprisingly, on that day, we saw a huge around 3-4 feet monitor lizard or comodo dragon and it was just few feets away from us. She was freaked out and i was in front of her protecting her. I could say actually i'm very calm when i saw that but seeing her reaction so in case anything happen just look after her. I promised her to take care and protect her that day so promised as promise and impossible that i will let anything happen to her hahaha anyway i really enjoy that day, never thought that i can actually have the chance to see the graffiti for that long and close moreover unexpectedly was with K. Besides enjoying the graffiti, i brought my DSLR along; took a lot of photos and memories too. Quite a long time already i never appear in a frame, she asked me to take along and i entrusted her my 2nd wife to her, taught her how to use. I'm impressed and admitted to say this, she can be a good photographer. She has sharp eyes and imagination to take nice photos but there's much more to learn, she will learn them when she enter degree =) I can say after that "day", i never felt so happy and you never expect that you can actually give me so much joy aren't you K? hahaha =)
everyone has their on personality, there's a saying goes " personality can be changed if you wanted to ". Yes, this sentence is correct but i have another one on my own which is "personality can changed but characteristic of the person wouldn't". My personality is based on who you are to me, i'm real all the time (ok, i admit there are times i will be fake) but beware each of everyone of us has their own temper. There's limitation for everything, i love to help but never take it as granted or else you will find out that you actually useless or you did not learn anything from it. I will still help but who is the one that will gain the wisdom, isn't it me? i wanted my friends to learn as well, there are times that i might look very bossy and "smart" but i'm actually trying to teach you guys. i want you guys to learn and have the same knowledge as i have. I'm a patience person if the person can hit that point of my temper it simply means you are just too way much a head. I never like people to take me and compare to themselves. Its a stupid thing to do, why do you take people and compare to yourself? isn't that increase you stress and you will feel bad of yourself? Thus, please don't take anyone to compare yourself. God created us, each one of us have their own ability and own story to walk. If you really want to compare, compare with your pass, that's the best way for you to improve yourself.
everyone have their own story to walk, you cannot stop in the middle of it; its like you are growing from primary to secondary and now adult. in other words, time pass means passed, there is no return; appreciate the time you have now and stop worrying about future. future is not something which you can worry or think of because there is none that know what will happen next. Therefore, instead of waiting, move on first, you will see things differently without your expectation.
HPB
I had a great time with K on Tuesday and i hope she was too. Something scared her the day before so i decided to bring her out and she wanted to see graffiti. She was so interested and so looking forward to see those arts. I knew a place which have a whole row of it thus bring her there and do photo shootings at the same time to improve and gain back my photo shooting skills. I like graffiti too but too bad at that time, my friends they do not really like them so each time we pass by there, they will just continue to walk. I wanted to stay there and see each of it but since i'm the only one that like it so they would not wait for me. Normally, i only had a glance to see the graffiti. So that day i brought her there, she was so happy. in addition surprisingly, on that day, we saw a huge around 3-4 feet monitor lizard or comodo dragon and it was just few feets away from us. She was freaked out and i was in front of her protecting her. I could say actually i'm very calm when i saw that but seeing her reaction so in case anything happen just look after her. I promised her to take care and protect her that day so promised as promise and impossible that i will let anything happen to her hahaha anyway i really enjoy that day, never thought that i can actually have the chance to see the graffiti for that long and close moreover unexpectedly was with K. Besides enjoying the graffiti, i brought my DSLR along; took a lot of photos and memories too. Quite a long time already i never appear in a frame, she asked me to take along and i entrusted her my 2nd wife to her, taught her how to use. I'm impressed and admitted to say this, she can be a good photographer. She has sharp eyes and imagination to take nice photos but there's much more to learn, she will learn them when she enter degree =) I can say after that "day", i never felt so happy and you never expect that you can actually give me so much joy aren't you K? hahaha =)
everyone has their on personality, there's a saying goes " personality can be changed if you wanted to ". Yes, this sentence is correct but i have another one on my own which is "personality can changed but characteristic of the person wouldn't". My personality is based on who you are to me, i'm real all the time (ok, i admit there are times i will be fake) but beware each of everyone of us has their own temper. There's limitation for everything, i love to help but never take it as granted or else you will find out that you actually useless or you did not learn anything from it. I will still help but who is the one that will gain the wisdom, isn't it me? i wanted my friends to learn as well, there are times that i might look very bossy and "smart" but i'm actually trying to teach you guys. i want you guys to learn and have the same knowledge as i have. I'm a patience person if the person can hit that point of my temper it simply means you are just too way much a head. I never like people to take me and compare to themselves. Its a stupid thing to do, why do you take people and compare to yourself? isn't that increase you stress and you will feel bad of yourself? Thus, please don't take anyone to compare yourself. God created us, each one of us have their own ability and own story to walk. If you really want to compare, compare with your pass, that's the best way for you to improve yourself.
everyone have their own story to walk, you cannot stop in the middle of it; its like you are growing from primary to secondary and now adult. in other words, time pass means passed, there is no return; appreciate the time you have now and stop worrying about future. future is not something which you can worry or think of because there is none that know what will happen next. Therefore, instead of waiting, move on first, you will see things differently without your expectation.
HPB
Thursday, June 27, 2013
path chosen
I was planning to do my revision for my in coming midterm but ended up here. Maybe going to write down some of the things happened around me recently, i might feel better. I felt stressful these days due to assignments and other stuffs which are secretive. anyway straight to the point, there are things bothering me but its not something which i can handle. Thus, the only thing i can do is wait or look through it the answer myself. However best answer comes from the actual person so its kinda difficult to open your mouth and it comes to worst if you have estimated the answers to those questions. so, what's the point asking questions which you might already know the answer?
few days ago, bunch of my friends went to counseling room for consultation. I heard that its more like a sharing section for everyone inside there. Too bad, i love to share stuffs but most of my stuffs are secret so its kinda hard for me to do so. Instead of going inside that room, another friend of mine wanted to consult me, asking me what does he need to do and others. here comes another relationship problem, i did that in my secondary school even till now my brothers will come and find me for advice. I do not understand but why do you guys come and find me? I cannot give advice because i also have problems in that. No one is specialist in this, all i can do for them is to be their listener. Listen to their problems and question them and guide them, that's all, i do not give them answers because there's no right and wrong in this case.
and back to where i was, after counseling my friend and its kinda late already and my friends who were in the counseling room opened the door, during the sharing section they actually locked the door. few of my friends went off and some of them stayed. anyway i went in and never thought that i ended up counseling them, my friends. I just shared what i experienced before, nothing else, no craps, all base on what i went through in my life. The counselor concluded me by saying me that my age looks 20 but my brain is 40. Its not something like this, maybe because of my curiosity, i look through things, i scan, i analyze, i investigate, i observe, i tried and these is what i get, experiences.
i never thought that i ended up counselling my friends but one thing that i hope is one of the friends in there able to get what i'm exactly trying to tell her. I know her problems so i'm doing my best to advice her through friends. I want her to wake up from her dream and face reality. This world is cruel and only the strong will survive. Those who are weak will remain weak but if the weak takes the chance and give a try,step forward, its a new beginning for him or her to be strong. Strong cannot be measure as long you have the will with you, nothing can stop you. Spoke for that long, hopefully she will get it one day. they look at me like a pro but you do not know how much i paid for my life, what i went through, the counselor know that. I share and counsel because i do not wish to see you guys to go through the same thing i went through.
Time is all i need, I will eventually let you go. I had a great time with you yesterday, hard to believe but it's happening. It was great to see so many great dancers this time and it was lucky that the vise president has changed haha Anyway the conversation in the car between you and me, yup, you got me that i'm actually in a situation. A simple situation which i actually so stupid not to solve it as soon as possible. However yesterday a sentence of yours struck me and made me realize something. So like i said before and i will say it again, i'm single but i'm not available because relationships or feelings i do not want to touch or even care anymore. All i want to do right now is to focus in my studies, if it wants to happen, it will happen eventually. Thus, i will forget about these as long that ring of mine is on my neck. I'm going to live on what i want to be and forget those feelings and stuffs.
HPB
few days ago, bunch of my friends went to counseling room for consultation. I heard that its more like a sharing section for everyone inside there. Too bad, i love to share stuffs but most of my stuffs are secret so its kinda hard for me to do so. Instead of going inside that room, another friend of mine wanted to consult me, asking me what does he need to do and others. here comes another relationship problem, i did that in my secondary school even till now my brothers will come and find me for advice. I do not understand but why do you guys come and find me? I cannot give advice because i also have problems in that. No one is specialist in this, all i can do for them is to be their listener. Listen to their problems and question them and guide them, that's all, i do not give them answers because there's no right and wrong in this case.
and back to where i was, after counseling my friend and its kinda late already and my friends who were in the counseling room opened the door, during the sharing section they actually locked the door. few of my friends went off and some of them stayed. anyway i went in and never thought that i ended up counseling them, my friends. I just shared what i experienced before, nothing else, no craps, all base on what i went through in my life. The counselor concluded me by saying me that my age looks 20 but my brain is 40. Its not something like this, maybe because of my curiosity, i look through things, i scan, i analyze, i investigate, i observe, i tried and these is what i get, experiences.
i never thought that i ended up counselling my friends but one thing that i hope is one of the friends in there able to get what i'm exactly trying to tell her. I know her problems so i'm doing my best to advice her through friends. I want her to wake up from her dream and face reality. This world is cruel and only the strong will survive. Those who are weak will remain weak but if the weak takes the chance and give a try,step forward, its a new beginning for him or her to be strong. Strong cannot be measure as long you have the will with you, nothing can stop you. Spoke for that long, hopefully she will get it one day. they look at me like a pro but you do not know how much i paid for my life, what i went through, the counselor know that. I share and counsel because i do not wish to see you guys to go through the same thing i went through.
Time is all i need, I will eventually let you go. I had a great time with you yesterday, hard to believe but it's happening. It was great to see so many great dancers this time and it was lucky that the vise president has changed haha Anyway the conversation in the car between you and me, yup, you got me that i'm actually in a situation. A simple situation which i actually so stupid not to solve it as soon as possible. However yesterday a sentence of yours struck me and made me realize something. So like i said before and i will say it again, i'm single but i'm not available because relationships or feelings i do not want to touch or even care anymore. All i want to do right now is to focus in my studies, if it wants to happen, it will happen eventually. Thus, i will forget about these as long that ring of mine is on my neck. I'm going to live on what i want to be and forget those feelings and stuffs.
HPB
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
exile begin
don't know when will you be reading my blog but after you read this post i believe there will be changes of you how you view me as.
something happened to me and i have no idea what was it. ever since i changed my personality, things are not the same anymore. Friends changed into strangers. the one that i trust somehow i cannot trust her anymore, i felt that i was trusting the wrong person. Blame myself for being easily trusting on someone. However, she is the only one that know about my secrets among my degree friends, the only one that know me the most i think. Asking myself for so what reason that i reveal so much of my secrets to her. I felt that our friendship is getting further and further away.
today, all i care is about ending the class as soon as possible. i just do not feel like talking to anyone or joining anyone. Walk alone, do my things alone, isolating my friends. Yes, i'm isolating them because i know there's nothing good will come out from me today. I planned to sit far away from them but they reserved a sit for me. normally people will just go to that place and sit but what i did was thinking should i sit with them, should i? because i really have no mood being with them today or maybe forever. I just felt that i'm not suitable to mix with them anymore. or perhaps i know my problem but i cant accept the fact. i think i'm being foolish again for making up theories and trusting them. the successful rate of my theories normally fall between 40-60%. when i said it will be that way, mostly it will happen and i'm not surprise.
"you can like a lot of people but there is only one will give you heartache " this is true. I still need time to let go of K. She gave me memories which i never have in my life. That day i helped her during the open drive for dance club, perhaps that's the only time i was being happy with her. I was smiling and it's a real smile. After the recruitment, we when off together. I was there grumble about my assignments and she was there happily answered me that her assignments are not assign yet. I was try to poke her head, making fun of her, it was the happiest time i have with her i think exclude during dancing of course. Nevertheless, i'm glad that we are still friends. I came across of this sentence "爱一个人,不一定要在一起". I might be doing the same thing but i will let you go eventually so no worries, i'm a man of my words. I never make promises that i cannot fulfill. Now we can be friends is already more than anything you gave me. my friend, anything when you need help, call me or message me i will be there. I mean call me or message me, i do not stay on net all the time like i used to be. I'm sorry that i did not see that message coming that day but next time, message me or give me a thinker is better.letting go is not easy but it does not mean it's impossible, like you said i need time
alright, i'm doing this perhaps for my sake, things will change i believe because not everyone are the same. they have different views on this. some able to accept and continue being friends but there are not too. like i said above, you can like a lot of people, perhaps i like you and you didn't know. I thought that after i let go of K slowly, i might be chasing you after i'm fine but too bad that i'm too late for it. Right now you have a boy friend, all i can do is to wish you to be good to your boy friend. I had a conversation with her yesterday, the conversation turned into an argument. when you changed your status from single to relationship, i was curious whether is true or not. You told our friends that you just having fun but i do not believe that. You're a person which love to play but when comes to this, you would not make fun of it. How do i know? if you remember that you told me that you actually liked a guy when you're in secondary school. since that day, i know what kind of person are you. I might be wrong and very wrong because everything i guess or predict about you are wrong. I have never face this problem before but only you actually make my perceptions all wrong.
i like you and that's why i try to get close to you and wanted to know more about you. You kept your secrets tight, which is good unlike me being explore so much but there's still things which you do not know about me. there are things which are not suitable to write it in blog, there are things which have to be kept forever to yourself. Things which changed my life, the impact and everything. You said that you might be experience than me, if that's what you think so, i do not mind. experiences, i gain them through pains and sufferings. You said that i'm judging you, the problem is am i really judging you? i know that you dislike being judge by someone and i never like to judge anyone too. However if you said that i'm judging you then fine, perhaps i am without noticing it. this is your first relationship so what i can say is appreciate your boy friend, take care of him, show him how much you really meant to him and others you should know what to do. Actually when the time you shared a part of your secrets, i really thought so that it's impossible for us to be together after you have that thinking. However i do not mind to continue being friend with you after knowing that secret of yours. You're afraid that i will stop talking to you or ignore you but at least now you know that i'm not that kind of person.
now you know that i like you so what's your reaction? what is your next step? avoiding me? ignore me? or like me maintain being friends, being close friends? or stranger? it's your call. I just being straight forward telling what i need to tell from my mind, perhaps this able to explain to you what exactly happened to me these days. i wouldn't be myself these days, I still need time to let go of K and suddenly you got into relationship, whether you believe it or not i got the worst feeling i had before "again", feeling which indescribable. now i'm able to give myself a reason to continue dancing. I wanted to stop dancing before that because i lost track of why do i dance but somehow i find the reason now why do i dance, the right reason and the reason for me to continue staying on the floor. I dance with passion not to please anyone, dancing is part of my life, too bad that i do not have the time to join my dance buddies these days. they were busy preparing for their showcase, all the best and gambateh guys! anytime when there is dance practice, inform me, i will definite go for it if there's no clash of anything. K please message me alright if there's any practice. thus exile is what i chose now, isolating from you and my current friends, i will only talk when you guys asked for me,i will help when you guys need one but i wouldn't be the same like what i used to be. i felt that i'm being so stupid for liking someone and friends.....i doubt, hard for me to trust anyone now. I'm so not going into that thing anymore, pain into numb, numb into habit, habit to cold
HPB
something happened to me and i have no idea what was it. ever since i changed my personality, things are not the same anymore. Friends changed into strangers. the one that i trust somehow i cannot trust her anymore, i felt that i was trusting the wrong person. Blame myself for being easily trusting on someone. However, she is the only one that know about my secrets among my degree friends, the only one that know me the most i think. Asking myself for so what reason that i reveal so much of my secrets to her. I felt that our friendship is getting further and further away.
today, all i care is about ending the class as soon as possible. i just do not feel like talking to anyone or joining anyone. Walk alone, do my things alone, isolating my friends. Yes, i'm isolating them because i know there's nothing good will come out from me today. I planned to sit far away from them but they reserved a sit for me. normally people will just go to that place and sit but what i did was thinking should i sit with them, should i? because i really have no mood being with them today or maybe forever. I just felt that i'm not suitable to mix with them anymore. or perhaps i know my problem but i cant accept the fact. i think i'm being foolish again for making up theories and trusting them. the successful rate of my theories normally fall between 40-60%. when i said it will be that way, mostly it will happen and i'm not surprise.
"you can like a lot of people but there is only one will give you heartache " this is true. I still need time to let go of K. She gave me memories which i never have in my life. That day i helped her during the open drive for dance club, perhaps that's the only time i was being happy with her. I was smiling and it's a real smile. After the recruitment, we when off together. I was there grumble about my assignments and she was there happily answered me that her assignments are not assign yet. I was try to poke her head, making fun of her, it was the happiest time i have with her i think exclude during dancing of course. Nevertheless, i'm glad that we are still friends. I came across of this sentence "爱一个人,不一定要在一起". I might be doing the same thing but i will let you go eventually so no worries, i'm a man of my words. I never make promises that i cannot fulfill. Now we can be friends is already more than anything you gave me. my friend, anything when you need help, call me or message me i will be there. I mean call me or message me, i do not stay on net all the time like i used to be. I'm sorry that i did not see that message coming that day but next time, message me or give me a thinker is better.letting go is not easy but it does not mean it's impossible, like you said i need time
alright, i'm doing this perhaps for my sake, things will change i believe because not everyone are the same. they have different views on this. some able to accept and continue being friends but there are not too. like i said above, you can like a lot of people, perhaps i like you and you didn't know. I thought that after i let go of K slowly, i might be chasing you after i'm fine but too bad that i'm too late for it. Right now you have a boy friend, all i can do is to wish you to be good to your boy friend. I had a conversation with her yesterday, the conversation turned into an argument. when you changed your status from single to relationship, i was curious whether is true or not. You told our friends that you just having fun but i do not believe that. You're a person which love to play but when comes to this, you would not make fun of it. How do i know? if you remember that you told me that you actually liked a guy when you're in secondary school. since that day, i know what kind of person are you. I might be wrong and very wrong because everything i guess or predict about you are wrong. I have never face this problem before but only you actually make my perceptions all wrong.
i like you and that's why i try to get close to you and wanted to know more about you. You kept your secrets tight, which is good unlike me being explore so much but there's still things which you do not know about me. there are things which are not suitable to write it in blog, there are things which have to be kept forever to yourself. Things which changed my life, the impact and everything. You said that you might be experience than me, if that's what you think so, i do not mind. experiences, i gain them through pains and sufferings. You said that i'm judging you, the problem is am i really judging you? i know that you dislike being judge by someone and i never like to judge anyone too. However if you said that i'm judging you then fine, perhaps i am without noticing it. this is your first relationship so what i can say is appreciate your boy friend, take care of him, show him how much you really meant to him and others you should know what to do. Actually when the time you shared a part of your secrets, i really thought so that it's impossible for us to be together after you have that thinking. However i do not mind to continue being friend with you after knowing that secret of yours. You're afraid that i will stop talking to you or ignore you but at least now you know that i'm not that kind of person.
now you know that i like you so what's your reaction? what is your next step? avoiding me? ignore me? or like me maintain being friends, being close friends? or stranger? it's your call. I just being straight forward telling what i need to tell from my mind, perhaps this able to explain to you what exactly happened to me these days. i wouldn't be myself these days, I still need time to let go of K and suddenly you got into relationship, whether you believe it or not i got the worst feeling i had before "again", feeling which indescribable. now i'm able to give myself a reason to continue dancing. I wanted to stop dancing before that because i lost track of why do i dance but somehow i find the reason now why do i dance, the right reason and the reason for me to continue staying on the floor. I dance with passion not to please anyone, dancing is part of my life, too bad that i do not have the time to join my dance buddies these days. they were busy preparing for their showcase, all the best and gambateh guys! anytime when there is dance practice, inform me, i will definite go for it if there's no clash of anything. K please message me alright if there's any practice. thus exile is what i chose now, isolating from you and my current friends, i will only talk when you guys asked for me,i will help when you guys need one but i wouldn't be the same like what i used to be. i felt that i'm being so stupid for liking someone and friends.....i doubt, hard for me to trust anyone now. I'm so not going into that thing anymore, pain into numb, numb into habit, habit to cold
HPB
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
isolation split
i wonder should i put this post in this blog of mine or another, in the end i chose to post it here since i do not even care how people think of me anymore. People comes and goes; cannot accept me then stop acting, leave and i do not mind at all. I do not really know what happened to me but there's one thing i'm sure off is i'm not close to anyone anymore. I'm actually isolating from my friends or perhaps they are isolating me. Have this kind of mind set these days but maybe because i'm lost what i used to be in last semester.
I used to be a joker, love to mix around with others, make fun of others, a person which cannot sit still. I still fool around but i asked myself that what happened to me. i do not talk to my friends like i used to be, i do not join my friends like i used to be, i do not share my stuffs like i used to be, i do not sacrifices myself like i used to be. It's like there's a gab between me and them. Perhaps i changed back how i used to be, my old life. It's been told that "the person which is the noisiest, actually is the loneliest person among his/her friends". This reminds me of my old life, which i had a very lonely life when i was young, that's why i'm able to adapt to loneliness and darkness.
true enough that, i do not talk to my friends as often as before because i do not felt the friendship between us anymore. I do not feel that anymore, you guys gave me the feeling that i'm actually not in your world or someone which is just a pass by traveler. Like i said, i'm use to loneliness and this brings me to test my friends even till now. How you guys going to think about me, it's up to you all. I do it because i want to protect myself from being used, being cheated, being a stranger to you all. after the first semester, i actually able to see who are really my friends and who are not. there are friends that i care too much but what's the point if the person do not even appreciate it.
i have sensitive mind and able to sense things around me, i can felt things which people do not share. I like to observe and investigate but that's my old life and i stopped. I chose to ask rather then searching it by myself unless it is necessary. People has the right to not answer your questions and i respect that so i will only ask once and that's it. I used to ask the same question to the person till he/she got frustrated. I'm a person which think a lot and plan further apart from current situation. My brothers know me more than anyone i believe, they know what kind of person am i. So i do not blame on friends i have right now for not being able to understand or know me. I am a mysterious person if a person really want to know me, you can give a head and try, talk to me and slowly you might able to know what really a person am i. if you really understands me, i will take you as a real friend. I take friendship seriously,i social well with people but it does not mean that i'm making friends with them.
my mind right now just told me to turn back what i used to be in my secondary school life to protect myself, a cold and protective person. I will be a LALA boy. How you guys going to look on me, it's up to you all. friends that know me, ask yourself do you really know me, accept my close friends and brothers,they know my history and what kind of person i really am. think about it you might know my name but not me. My ways, my thoughts, my life, my personality, my habits, my will,my history, what i have been through, there are a lot of things you do not know about me. I will just be myself, accept or cant accept, your choices. I do not have the time to please any of you, i'm tired of this. I helped and i still do so to any of you whoever needs help, i will definitely be there even knowing that i will be betrayed or backstabed or used as tool, it's up to you all whether you appreciate it or not.
"split personality may not be two personalities in a person whether good or bad, it might refers to personality change after a person went through tough time in their life, just to protect themselves"
HPB
I used to be a joker, love to mix around with others, make fun of others, a person which cannot sit still. I still fool around but i asked myself that what happened to me. i do not talk to my friends like i used to be, i do not join my friends like i used to be, i do not share my stuffs like i used to be, i do not sacrifices myself like i used to be. It's like there's a gab between me and them. Perhaps i changed back how i used to be, my old life. It's been told that "the person which is the noisiest, actually is the loneliest person among his/her friends". This reminds me of my old life, which i had a very lonely life when i was young, that's why i'm able to adapt to loneliness and darkness.
true enough that, i do not talk to my friends as often as before because i do not felt the friendship between us anymore. I do not feel that anymore, you guys gave me the feeling that i'm actually not in your world or someone which is just a pass by traveler. Like i said, i'm use to loneliness and this brings me to test my friends even till now. How you guys going to think about me, it's up to you all. I do it because i want to protect myself from being used, being cheated, being a stranger to you all. after the first semester, i actually able to see who are really my friends and who are not. there are friends that i care too much but what's the point if the person do not even appreciate it.
i have sensitive mind and able to sense things around me, i can felt things which people do not share. I like to observe and investigate but that's my old life and i stopped. I chose to ask rather then searching it by myself unless it is necessary. People has the right to not answer your questions and i respect that so i will only ask once and that's it. I used to ask the same question to the person till he/she got frustrated. I'm a person which think a lot and plan further apart from current situation. My brothers know me more than anyone i believe, they know what kind of person am i. So i do not blame on friends i have right now for not being able to understand or know me. I am a mysterious person if a person really want to know me, you can give a head and try, talk to me and slowly you might able to know what really a person am i. if you really understands me, i will take you as a real friend. I take friendship seriously,i social well with people but it does not mean that i'm making friends with them.
my mind right now just told me to turn back what i used to be in my secondary school life to protect myself, a cold and protective person. I will be a LALA boy. How you guys going to look on me, it's up to you all. friends that know me, ask yourself do you really know me, accept my close friends and brothers,they know my history and what kind of person i really am. think about it you might know my name but not me. My ways, my thoughts, my life, my personality, my habits, my will,my history, what i have been through, there are a lot of things you do not know about me. I will just be myself, accept or cant accept, your choices. I do not have the time to please any of you, i'm tired of this. I helped and i still do so to any of you whoever needs help, i will definitely be there even knowing that i will be betrayed or backstabed or used as tool, it's up to you all whether you appreciate it or not.
"split personality may not be two personalities in a person whether good or bad, it might refers to personality change after a person went through tough time in their life, just to protect themselves"
HPB
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