i was planning to study at this time but somehow i just feel like writing down what is in my mind today and what happened these days. degree life, just hand in some of my assignments days ago, at the same time get some 'feedback' from my lecturer. it is time for me to start reading perhaps in order for me to improve more on my grammar and vocabulary. I thought i am able to let things go and focus in my studies but i am wrong. i am too easily influenced by surroundings, memories, environments which shows me that i am actually weak. To be more exact, i am mentally tired and this affects my physical health which is one word to describe myself right now, dumb
suffer pain from left chest and all i do is keep quiet, right hand put on the chest and just act nothing happen. blood pressure shot up sometimes which is able to let me know by having headache. i think the next month i will be doing more exercises to build a better body. talking about exercise, reminds me dancing. i love to dance and seriously i mean it but these days i do not know why, i felt that i am so left out. perhaps thinking too much? my dance buddies, they are busied preparing flash mob for the next intake, i am interested but the practice time they set makes me hard to join them. in addition, of course they would not because of me change another day right? so let them perform this time without me perhaps, i wish i can join them but i am afraid that i cannot catch up with their steps. anyway i am just a newbie, it takes time for me to remember steps. one partner, no longer a newbie, he went for dance classes, haha i am proud and currently he is better than me. i think i am the weakest dancer among them. perhaps, the passion of dance in them is greater than mine, for now all i can do is dancing in my own living room, parkour, bboy and hip-hop. for them, dancing perhaps is an important activity to them and that is why they put so much passion on it, for me i dance will pleasure and do not dance for a purpose but i dance because i simply enjoy it. recalls the first time i dance as a bboy in secondary school just because there is a boy which dance hip-hop challenged me. hahaha so right now, i am still thinking whether should i join the flash mob. they even join showcase which will hold on june or july, they have new groups and partners and of course i am not inside because i am not as good as them hahaha who am i? besides, it holds on weekends so i believe they would not call me because they should know i cannot make it. so this is what i am thinking about my dancing life currently, dance...i wish...but....things would not be the same anymore aren't?
so i keep drinking these days, how great, my bad habit, drinking. i never like drinking, once i start drinking i just have the urge to continue and continue until that i cannot drink anymore, which is almost at the state of being drunk. i just feel like ending my life and just like this, pop, then perhaps everything will be gone, i do not have to worry or even think. like i said, drinking is actually not my thing but i still drink, all because my mind full of negative stuffs. i do not mind drinking alone, anyway drinking alone actually it makes me feel 'better'. i try to cut down my alcohol drinks, it crazily how much i drank. no one likes a drunker so perhaps this is the way to make a girl dislike me? haha alcoholic huh? just drink, who cares?
59 days gone, i read your blog almost everyday, i do not depends on friends anymore to know your update. on the other hand, i actually try to communicate with you but it seems would not work well. i inbox you and you saw it but you do not reply or sometimes you would but mostly....hahaha so what can i conclude here? i do not have the answer with me, i am lost anyway. you posted a post said that dislike means dislike, so i asked you a question and you answered. i know recently you like a boy, i cannot do anything because it is none of my business. all i can do is reading your blog and see your updates in your status. even sometimes i have the urge to text you but you do not seem to read it anyway even if i sent them. it is hard for you to find a guy isn't it? why not give yourself a chance? i know you went through worst, afraid of breaking up and arguments but think about it, you are too negative and naive to think that way. perhaps and maybe this guy will change your life? why don't you give a try? i do not expect you to find me anyway, i'm just an acquaintance to you right now, no longer friend....that's the consequence what i did back that day. blaming myself for being so rush, even knowing that you dislike me, i thought that i am able to change that but it became worst. who to put the blame on? of course me...
write so much, every single words above it is everything i wanted to type out from my heart. somehow i feel better typing all out, i cannot take pressure anymore. friends has been using one word to describe me "weak" so i am weak? perhaps so, i look strong in front of you guys but when i am down, none of you notice haha i am just so good in hiding them. fake smile, when will i able to see my real smile again?
~HPB
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Real?Fake?
150/82.....haha seriously? how come my blood pressure shot up? why? why at the moment that i'm so busy with my assignments, presentations and
finals. is this real? it's like a nightmare coming back,haunting me. blood pressure, had it since last year when i was chasing the third girl that i liked. i mean seriously? i still cannot believe this but i have to admit and accept the fact that it's truth. these days i felt mil pain from my chest, should be from the heart...i never like this feeling, it gives me the feeling that i might not live the next day, how great was it..headache, easily get mad which i don't....health, i never care? perhaps it's truth or maybe not? i do what it's necessary to suppress my blood pressure but ended up why you shoot up? weak? perhaps so...
48 days gone, it's just like a blink, 48 days that i wear my freak face smiling, laughing like a mad man, none of my friends know about it, the truth behind. do you guys really think that i'm happy? the smile faces, i cannot even recognize myself, it's that really me? i cannot even differetiate which smile is real or fake...been fake smiling the whole day in uni or in my outside life. reach home, still smile in front of my parents, am i really gone mad? each time, i only hope to get into my room, why? because there's the only safest place for me to keep from everyone my real face. it's tiring, very i mean. though some of my friends asked me why emo, all i reply them is "i'm not, i'm just tired" haha what a good excuses to run from the truth..
48 days gone, you said you forgive me and you did say dont have to worry about you even as a friend, it's not needed..haha i cant...i still worry for you and still thinking of you...i messaged you because neither i'm worry or just thinking of you but you did not reply. i cannot blame you on this because i know you wouldnt reply me and i do not expect any replies too..you still need time and all i can do it's wait, what am i waiting? waiting for that day to come, it might happen or it might not because everything it's in your hands,it's not mine to choose. wait till that day, see how thing goes.. i might have the courage to let you go..........i still did not take my eyes away from you...knowing that you hurt your knee, please take care alright..no pain, no gain? right? hahaha
yesterday went for the dance practice, saw you, it was like been a long time i did not see you. nevertheless, you did not change a bit...or maybe i dont know? the truth i went for the practice is just to see you, wanted to update myself knowing how have you been. knowing that you're alright so i went off and continue with my busy life. however i do learn something new from you all that day. flash mob, i will learn from alex when i'm free to consult him. from that dance practice, i found out that i'm still the same, i like to look at you dancing. haha stupid me, you feel happy and you really enjoy it. dancing it's part of your life, dont stop dancing...it's the thing which makes me like you...i wish i can dance with you again...chances? i will dance with you as a friend, just as friend which if you allow me...can i? looking at you smile, i will feel better, i will just feel happy. i just dont know why am i thinking that way....i just have that feeling
scars....it can be tangible or intangible;tangible, looking at my hands, the scars that i did before. the blood that i shed haha crazy me isn't it? it's worth to do that? blood drop more than tears, one of my life rule...intangible,i still miss you, scar inside still need time to recover...memories can be happy and sad at the same time....
degree life is busy like hell and now my health condition goes down again. what is this showing me? i'm lost?
~HPB
48 days gone, it's just like a blink, 48 days that i wear my freak face smiling, laughing like a mad man, none of my friends know about it, the truth behind. do you guys really think that i'm happy? the smile faces, i cannot even recognize myself, it's that really me? i cannot even differetiate which smile is real or fake...been fake smiling the whole day in uni or in my outside life. reach home, still smile in front of my parents, am i really gone mad? each time, i only hope to get into my room, why? because there's the only safest place for me to keep from everyone my real face. it's tiring, very i mean. though some of my friends asked me why emo, all i reply them is "i'm not, i'm just tired" haha what a good excuses to run from the truth..
48 days gone, you said you forgive me and you did say dont have to worry about you even as a friend, it's not needed..haha i cant...i still worry for you and still thinking of you...i messaged you because neither i'm worry or just thinking of you but you did not reply. i cannot blame you on this because i know you wouldnt reply me and i do not expect any replies too..you still need time and all i can do it's wait, what am i waiting? waiting for that day to come, it might happen or it might not because everything it's in your hands,it's not mine to choose. wait till that day, see how thing goes.. i might have the courage to let you go..........i still did not take my eyes away from you...knowing that you hurt your knee, please take care alright..no pain, no gain? right? hahaha
yesterday went for the dance practice, saw you, it was like been a long time i did not see you. nevertheless, you did not change a bit...or maybe i dont know? the truth i went for the practice is just to see you, wanted to update myself knowing how have you been. knowing that you're alright so i went off and continue with my busy life. however i do learn something new from you all that day. flash mob, i will learn from alex when i'm free to consult him. from that dance practice, i found out that i'm still the same, i like to look at you dancing. haha stupid me, you feel happy and you really enjoy it. dancing it's part of your life, dont stop dancing...it's the thing which makes me like you...i wish i can dance with you again...chances? i will dance with you as a friend, just as friend which if you allow me...can i? looking at you smile, i will feel better, i will just feel happy. i just dont know why am i thinking that way....i just have that feeling
scars....it can be tangible or intangible;tangible, looking at my hands, the scars that i did before. the blood that i shed haha crazy me isn't it? it's worth to do that? blood drop more than tears, one of my life rule...intangible,i still miss you, scar inside still need time to recover...memories can be happy and sad at the same time....
degree life is busy like hell and now my health condition goes down again. what is this showing me? i'm lost?
~HPB
Monday, March 18, 2013
my curse
it has been a while i did not enter my blog for there is nothing for me to write. however somehow today, i have a post popped up in my mind to write on and i hope you will take a look of this post...
honestly, i wanted to know how have you been. recently i have been busy but i never take away my eyes on you, i will always ask my friends how have you been but somehow i lost track of you. These days, i found out that you have some problems with your friends and for your attitude, i know and i really mean it, i really understand you that you will hide your truth face and just try not to screw up anything. you swallowed up the heat and just entertained them. However, everyone has their limit so yup. no point changing for a person, you is you and that's it. if they cant accept it then it's their problem.
telling the truth behind of this post, actually it's already 30 days i did not get to see you. isn't short or isn't long? but what i can tell is i really regret what i did back there that day. apologize is useless, "sorry" is meaningless anymore these days, it's a common word which people use even a simple task is done wrong. apologize is no longer credible. once trust is broken, it wouldn't be the same for the next time or worst it's already gone...
and again i want to ask how have you been? honestly and yes, i'm worried and don't ask me why. it's just like this and i cant explain it. none of my business? if that so, i have nothing to say but really i do hope that you will answer me honestly. I wanted to see you but each time when i thought of seeing you, i'm afraid that you will upset or down because of me. so i rather forget about it, just care for you secretly. me being negative? hope so, guys never get to understand girl's thought so am i. i have no idea what are you thinking and how do you view me as.
i care for you and i really did, asking friends how have you been recently but normally they replied me that you're fine, you're good. However, i have the thought that you're not and i don't know why again. it was suck to know that i'm worried and cared for you without any reason. or perhaps i know the reason but i don't think you wish to hear that. why am i worry or care a person which already take me as a stranger? i worry too much? i care too much? isn't really worth? i know i'm wasting my time on this but what i can tell is it's worth for me to do so.
rubbish huh? i'm talking rubbish again, isn't what you have been thinking while reading this? i honestly, sincerely telling you this, every single word above it's real. it's not a story but reality. this is what i have been doing,am i stalking you? it depends on how you view it, i cant answer that. like i said and i will say it again but it's up to you to believe it because i did something very wrong and i broke the trust so i do not expect you to trust me. HOWEVER! i really mean those words i said before, even the whole world against you, i will be there for you. you can trust these words i said. i wouldn't break this, a call or a message i will be there for you and it's only for you. ya i know what are you thinking, you rather find your sisters instead of me or other friends, why have to be me. I just want to let you know that there's someone at least you can trust and i will really be there for you no matter what.
i know we still need time, i do not expect you to forgive me and i know it is impossible too. nevertheless i will wait till the day you call me or message me again. 30 days have gone and i'm still waiting for you. To summarize for this post i just want to tell you that i really miss you~
"an apology is nothing, a dozen is still zero, a hundred you're just repeating the words, then what more is apology;
music is nothing if without feelings,story and the meaning behind it. "
and all i want you to do....listen, listen what am i trying to tell you in that song,apologize
~HPB
honestly, i wanted to know how have you been. recently i have been busy but i never take away my eyes on you, i will always ask my friends how have you been but somehow i lost track of you. These days, i found out that you have some problems with your friends and for your attitude, i know and i really mean it, i really understand you that you will hide your truth face and just try not to screw up anything. you swallowed up the heat and just entertained them. However, everyone has their limit so yup. no point changing for a person, you is you and that's it. if they cant accept it then it's their problem.
telling the truth behind of this post, actually it's already 30 days i did not get to see you. isn't short or isn't long? but what i can tell is i really regret what i did back there that day. apologize is useless, "sorry" is meaningless anymore these days, it's a common word which people use even a simple task is done wrong. apologize is no longer credible. once trust is broken, it wouldn't be the same for the next time or worst it's already gone...
and again i want to ask how have you been? honestly and yes, i'm worried and don't ask me why. it's just like this and i cant explain it. none of my business? if that so, i have nothing to say but really i do hope that you will answer me honestly. I wanted to see you but each time when i thought of seeing you, i'm afraid that you will upset or down because of me. so i rather forget about it, just care for you secretly. me being negative? hope so, guys never get to understand girl's thought so am i. i have no idea what are you thinking and how do you view me as.
i care for you and i really did, asking friends how have you been recently but normally they replied me that you're fine, you're good. However, i have the thought that you're not and i don't know why again. it was suck to know that i'm worried and cared for you without any reason. or perhaps i know the reason but i don't think you wish to hear that. why am i worry or care a person which already take me as a stranger? i worry too much? i care too much? isn't really worth? i know i'm wasting my time on this but what i can tell is it's worth for me to do so.
rubbish huh? i'm talking rubbish again, isn't what you have been thinking while reading this? i honestly, sincerely telling you this, every single word above it's real. it's not a story but reality. this is what i have been doing,am i stalking you? it depends on how you view it, i cant answer that. like i said and i will say it again but it's up to you to believe it because i did something very wrong and i broke the trust so i do not expect you to trust me. HOWEVER! i really mean those words i said before, even the whole world against you, i will be there for you. you can trust these words i said. i wouldn't break this, a call or a message i will be there for you and it's only for you. ya i know what are you thinking, you rather find your sisters instead of me or other friends, why have to be me. I just want to let you know that there's someone at least you can trust and i will really be there for you no matter what.
i know we still need time, i do not expect you to forgive me and i know it is impossible too. nevertheless i will wait till the day you call me or message me again. 30 days have gone and i'm still waiting for you. To summarize for this post i just want to tell you that i really miss you~
"an apology is nothing, a dozen is still zero, a hundred you're just repeating the words, then what more is apology;
music is nothing if without feelings,story and the meaning behind it. "
and all i want you to do....listen, listen what am i trying to tell you in that song,apologize
~HPB
Saturday, February 23, 2013
blue to grey
Promised not to disturb you or even look for you and i did it till now. nevertheless, all i did is that once, messaged you and apologized to you. I did not expect any reply from you since i am the one that ruined our friendship. I over did what i should not do and now i regret of what i did back there. "do what you want, dont regret" a great sentence which i applied it in a wrong way. what if that day, i did not act that way, everything would be just fine and maybe we are able to be good friends. I broke the line, i crossed the border line and you said, i have to accept the consequence what i did and i will accept it. I suffered these days but the blame is on me because i'm the one that ruined our friendship. I will bear this regret forever, a great lesson for me to remember.
I admit that i still care for you, asking some of my friends how have you been. I know it's none of my business anymore but i'm just me. It is normal for me to ask about a person which i care even not directly from the person, which is you, i will still ask news about you from others. I am glad to hear that you are happy as usual, enjoy your days in university with the same routine. it is great to hear that, you still active as usual or perhaps even better. It was great that you put a side this incident in the 'trash', one part of your brain which you categorize things which is not important. or maybe i'm wrong again for thinking you in that way. anyway you never did anything wrong, i'm the one that create those problems. I am a troublemaker, create troubles which does not even exist.
read your blog today, been days i did not go into your blog after that incident happened. Last time i will go into your blog every single day to read the same post again and again. I do not feel bored but just feel like re-read your posts just to know the deep meanings behind the post perhaps. Today, i read your blog and know what happen to you recently. To be exact, i do not know what happen to you recently, i stopped follow you up. So even i know anything about you, it was just the general information you posted in the network.
i was great to know that you were helping in an event which does not need any salary, what we called charity work. Great job, it would be great to help others in need, people would not forget your help. They will expect you the next event and you gave them a very good example. You missed someone, which is perhaps a person used to be very important to you and maybe even now. I do not know but that is just my theory, thinking too much again while i'm too 'free'. You said " sometimes sorry is useless ", yes, i cannot disagree what you said because it's truth because i used that sentence before too. Even your sister suggested you to give a slap straight in my face and i sincerely tell you, if that slap able to cheer you up, go a head, i do not mind. You might think that i'm just saying it here but think about it did i ever break my words? i never take back my words if that really so, so be it,anyway i should deserve it.
you can't forgive me and i know, who can forgive a person which did something so serious and it was so wrong. perhaps time is the only way for us to get back together again, like you said look at the time, see what the time will say. will it be one month? too short? three months? who knows? half of the year? one year? years? how long will it be i will wait patiently, till the day you forgive me and talk to me again. i thank you for taking care of my necklace this period. i miss the time we used to talk and message everyday but i'm the one that ruin the whole thing. I will miss you. i will accept the consequences and do what is necessary. I will be fine perhaps, i need time, a very long one. i'm the one that ruined our friendship so i would not be able to forgive myself too neither do you. time fades everything? i really hope that we can be friends again, talk like last time, everyday, anytime.... last but not least i wanted to let you know that you will always be the 5th one that i fall into and you're the only one that i'm so crazy enough to do that to show how much i really love you. Likewise, i wanted to apologize again what i did that day, i really do, from my bottom of my heart....sorry....i know whatever i speak right now is useless, it's trash. right now, let the time speaks
~HPB
I admit that i still care for you, asking some of my friends how have you been. I know it's none of my business anymore but i'm just me. It is normal for me to ask about a person which i care even not directly from the person, which is you, i will still ask news about you from others. I am glad to hear that you are happy as usual, enjoy your days in university with the same routine. it is great to hear that, you still active as usual or perhaps even better. It was great that you put a side this incident in the 'trash', one part of your brain which you categorize things which is not important. or maybe i'm wrong again for thinking you in that way. anyway you never did anything wrong, i'm the one that create those problems. I am a troublemaker, create troubles which does not even exist.
read your blog today, been days i did not go into your blog after that incident happened. Last time i will go into your blog every single day to read the same post again and again. I do not feel bored but just feel like re-read your posts just to know the deep meanings behind the post perhaps. Today, i read your blog and know what happen to you recently. To be exact, i do not know what happen to you recently, i stopped follow you up. So even i know anything about you, it was just the general information you posted in the network.
i was great to know that you were helping in an event which does not need any salary, what we called charity work. Great job, it would be great to help others in need, people would not forget your help. They will expect you the next event and you gave them a very good example. You missed someone, which is perhaps a person used to be very important to you and maybe even now. I do not know but that is just my theory, thinking too much again while i'm too 'free'. You said " sometimes sorry is useless ", yes, i cannot disagree what you said because it's truth because i used that sentence before too. Even your sister suggested you to give a slap straight in my face and i sincerely tell you, if that slap able to cheer you up, go a head, i do not mind. You might think that i'm just saying it here but think about it did i ever break my words? i never take back my words if that really so, so be it,anyway i should deserve it.
you can't forgive me and i know, who can forgive a person which did something so serious and it was so wrong. perhaps time is the only way for us to get back together again, like you said look at the time, see what the time will say. will it be one month? too short? three months? who knows? half of the year? one year? years? how long will it be i will wait patiently, till the day you forgive me and talk to me again. i thank you for taking care of my necklace this period. i miss the time we used to talk and message everyday but i'm the one that ruin the whole thing. I will miss you. i will accept the consequences and do what is necessary. I will be fine perhaps, i need time, a very long one. i'm the one that ruined our friendship so i would not be able to forgive myself too neither do you. time fades everything? i really hope that we can be friends again, talk like last time, everyday, anytime.... last but not least i wanted to let you know that you will always be the 5th one that i fall into and you're the only one that i'm so crazy enough to do that to show how much i really love you. Likewise, i wanted to apologize again what i did that day, i really do, from my bottom of my heart....sorry....i know whatever i speak right now is useless, it's trash. right now, let the time speaks
~HPB
Saturday, February 16, 2013
failure
I asked her to close her eyes and her hands were busy holding the present i gave her. I give a go with a kiss and everything just not in order anymore. She stunned and shocked what i did to her, said "too over" and she turned and walked away. I wanted to explain but it seems situation is far worst, i never got the chances to talk to her anymore. I actually hurt her mentally and physically, i should not have done that but it was already done,it was too late and i feel regret now...
are you reading this? or perhaps not anymore, what i did to you, i can feel that it's very painful. I'm so sorry, even i apologize, i believe i cannot never be forgiven. Nevertheless, give me the chance to explain why right here; why do i kiss you fist at the first place because i want you to know how much i really love you and the courage i put on, the bet i put on. However i lost my bet, i lost everything. I hugged you but you ask me to let go and i did. I hugged you because i want you to calm down and give back what you used to lost. I wanted to confess to you but it was too late. I regret what i did, i should not have done that...
I'm just a friend of yours, like you very much, nothing else. I am nobody in your eyes actually. I messaged you, you seen but no reply so i just thought that you're busy. Try to think positively all the time. I tried few times then i started to notice what are you doing actually. You are avoiding me and right now i no longer have the rights to talk to you anymore nor see you till you forgive me but i think you will never forgive what i did back there. What i did back there, it was something very serious and i have to accept the consequences. I will let you go...i will never able to forgive myself what i did.
the present i prepared, i know you will not accept it after what i did to you but please do not give it back to me. I would not accept it back too then please throw it away. Just throw it away, what i prepared it was nothing anymore. Since i already screwed up the whole thing, that little box would not help a thing anymore. however, i hope that you will at least open it and see what was it inside. after that, it is up to you what will you do to it. right now all i care is can we be friends again? i would not put my hope on you anymore, just friends...but it's your right whether you want to be friends with me anymore. you can ignore me, you can hate me, you can do not forgive me...it's your choice. I will respect your decision. for now, i will vanish in front of you...you would not be happy seeing me so i know what should i do. I will stop looking for you, I will stop disturbing you. I do not have the rights to read your stuffs anymore. i will be a person which you never knew from the start. Unless you forgive me which is impossible i know but perhaps very long time, I will wait even its gonna be long or maybe forever. it's a very hard thing for me to do but I will endure..
thanks for everything.....everyone...
" regret is painful than the pain when a person heartbroken "
i just wish that i can fly back to the time and stop myself doing that.....
"we are not friends, we are just strangers with memories" i do not wish this happen but things are serious, i have no rights to speak nor choose
take your time, take all you need and i'm sorry what i did back there, my friend...
i red your blog, whatever i say right now is useless. I thank you for not slapping me on site, I will do what is necessary, i will accept what i need to do, the consequences and everything. I understand now but it's too late. Nevertheless please let me say this ,one last word i wanted to say my friend "sorry"
~HPB
are you reading this? or perhaps not anymore, what i did to you, i can feel that it's very painful. I'm so sorry, even i apologize, i believe i cannot never be forgiven. Nevertheless, give me the chance to explain why right here; why do i kiss you fist at the first place because i want you to know how much i really love you and the courage i put on, the bet i put on. However i lost my bet, i lost everything. I hugged you but you ask me to let go and i did. I hugged you because i want you to calm down and give back what you used to lost. I wanted to confess to you but it was too late. I regret what i did, i should not have done that...
I'm just a friend of yours, like you very much, nothing else. I am nobody in your eyes actually. I messaged you, you seen but no reply so i just thought that you're busy. Try to think positively all the time. I tried few times then i started to notice what are you doing actually. You are avoiding me and right now i no longer have the rights to talk to you anymore nor see you till you forgive me but i think you will never forgive what i did back there. What i did back there, it was something very serious and i have to accept the consequences. I will let you go...i will never able to forgive myself what i did.
the present i prepared, i know you will not accept it after what i did to you but please do not give it back to me. I would not accept it back too then please throw it away. Just throw it away, what i prepared it was nothing anymore. Since i already screwed up the whole thing, that little box would not help a thing anymore. however, i hope that you will at least open it and see what was it inside. after that, it is up to you what will you do to it. right now all i care is can we be friends again? i would not put my hope on you anymore, just friends...but it's your right whether you want to be friends with me anymore. you can ignore me, you can hate me, you can do not forgive me...it's your choice. I will respect your decision. for now, i will vanish in front of you...you would not be happy seeing me so i know what should i do. I will stop looking for you, I will stop disturbing you. I do not have the rights to read your stuffs anymore. i will be a person which you never knew from the start. Unless you forgive me which is impossible i know but perhaps very long time, I will wait even its gonna be long or maybe forever. it's a very hard thing for me to do but I will endure..
thanks for everything.....everyone...
" regret is painful than the pain when a person heartbroken "
i just wish that i can fly back to the time and stop myself doing that.....
"we are not friends, we are just strangers with memories" i do not wish this happen but things are serious, i have no rights to speak nor choose
take your time, take all you need and i'm sorry what i did back there, my friend...
i red your blog, whatever i say right now is useless. I thank you for not slapping me on site, I will do what is necessary, i will accept what i need to do, the consequences and everything. I understand now but it's too late. Nevertheless please let me say this ,one last word i wanted to say my friend "sorry"
~HPB
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Recently
These days i have been different, in almost every part of my personality or should i say the original me. I have been acting naughty like what i did in my secondary life, being so talkative , daring and lastly, something which i'm still doing, not taking good care of my health. Hitting walls there and here like nobody business, being acting like a bad boy around but i am a bad boy after all. One of the bad habit coming back too, drinking. I promised not to touch alcohol anymore but i broke that in the end, should say that promise no longer apply on me, it's a pass, i'm focusing in present now.
Besides these habits, these days i love to speed, i mean any where , anytime, when i feel like too even though i know i will lose in that race but i just feel like doing so. This is because it able me to stop thinking other stuffs but to focus in my driving. One mistake, it takes my life. The day i put my car in the workshop, i actually raced at the hill with a car. I really do not even care about my safety and just drive like i'm in a illegal race. The music was so loud , it motivated me even more. Half way of it, i actually stopped. I stopped because of two things, i was scared, i was asking myself what did i just did and i was thinking of you too.
There are friends asking me how am i these days, especially my second heart. There's a boy actually chasing her so i did not really contact her anymore. That's our promised, i wouldn't involve in this things anymore. I dislike misunderstanding. Moreover these days i was busied with proposals and quiz. Even that i'm so busy i will still take out sometime to talk to her. Even after i read her blog, i feel like she does not really like me or perhaps it's truth that she does not like me. Even so whether she likes me or not, i will still like her, i really cant let her go. I know i will suffer but this is what i have chosen from the beginning.
Today, we dance buddies have steamboat at our university, it was quite exciting because our university actually do not allow foods to be brought into class and we actually did that and it's a potluck. Before that, suddenly i have a breakdown, i dont know why, so i walk to the hall where the piano is. Played songs to find out why and i actually found out why but that's what i have chosen. As long i like her, even she likes someone else, then let it be, i can't change her mind, even I suffer. We had a 'truth or dare' game just now. It was fun, for friends that knew me for sometime, they know that i will take truth instead of dare because truth is just speaking, i dont mind sharing my secrets, it's a golden opportunity actually to ask me something. Due to my mysterious personality and i kept my secrets very tight. For a while, the fork point towards me and i chose truth. there is something happened after that.
everyone agree to ask me three girls that i like and rank them from 3rd to 1st. I was stunned there and look at her, she was drinking her drink or biting the straw. They said photos are acceptable if they do not know them so i show my second heart for the 3rd rank, my ex for the second. Guess what the first, my friends were waiting for my answer and i was looking at her. Inside my heart, i was like, this will change everything and i know something might going to happen. Bad or good, i have to admit that, i cant lie to myself. I told my friends who is the girl i like the most there, after answering i didn't look at her. A friend said that i have the guts to say it out. Actually it's not about guts, it's i'm afraid that something will happen after saying it. After my turn, it's her turn, i wish i can stay longer but time is crawling in front of my door, i have to leave, i did not have the chance to know more about her or play with her.
i speed home, reached home, it was raining. I came out from the car, i actually look up at the sky. Looking at the rain falls on my face and i almost wanted to drop my tears. I was thinking what i did just now, was it right? telling others the truth behind i hide from others that i like her. Now i just feel like drinking more and get drunk to sleep, next day i will suffer like hell because intake of alcohol. I have sensitive stomach. Even i know that, i still feel like drinking because of what? what am i actually thinking right now? i.....really fall for her.
~HPB
Friday, February 1, 2013
Unexpected
Love, something which is complicated that related to relationship. Normally things will turn bad from good after a girl whom you like knows that you like her or you love her. There are two outcomes will happen, one of it, cold war occurred which means total stranger and another which commonly happened, said taking you as friend but ended up total stranger too. These happened to me and i was thinking that the same thing is going to happen to me again. I was thinking how am i going to survive this time, thinking that how am i going to let you go. However, i'm wrong, you did not ignore me, you really mean those words taking me as a friend of yours.
I red your blog the next day after i gave you my blogger link because i have the feeling that you will post a new post. That night after giving you my link, i was thinking that everything ends. Let things go by its own, let it be in its way. Hope, it's not something which i bear since the last time what happened when i was with my ex. Nevertheless, i was thinking that whether we are able to be friends again even after you know that i like you. It's stupid to think about it because i will never get the answer. Due to the feelings i have for you, all i wish it's even you do not like me, please do not ignore me. Even though, you do not like me, as long you take me as friend, i will be fine.
I do feel pain after reading your blog but not as pain as i thought so because you did something which i never expected, you still take me as friend. You did not ignore me, you still replies my message. You said and you did, not what my ex did to me. That is more than enough to cover the pain so what's left, i need time to pull myself back from crossing the line.
today, i went dinner with my friends and we were taking about relationship. I told them that i really hard to fall for girls and so far there are 5 of them that i fell. the first happened when i was young around 8 years old, consider that as puppy love. The second one, it's my second heart; third, it's one of my sisters, me as a third party; forth, my ex which i put all my trust and loyalty in it but everything just vanish in a blink and last it's you i fall. I did not tell them who is the last one, the fifth. I just tell them that it's secret. However one of them knew my secrets and she asked me whether do i still like the fifth one. If i answered that i'm not, i'm lying. It's impossible for me to say no, i really like you.
it's hard for me to let go but it does not mean that it's impossible, i need time for that. I like her, i really do. After reading her blog, i found one thing which is interesting. It is about one sided love; a guy asked a girl that isn't that suffering to love a person which the person does not love you? The girl actually answer that guy that even though you do not love me, as long i love you, i'm still in love, i'm not heart broken. It's kinda funny but it makes sense. Somehow this actually recalled what i did for my ex but that's passed.
I'm glad that you're still taking me as friend but i will still like you. I will still care for you even though you will feel disturbing. At least, you will remember me being there for you. You can find me whenever you want, i will absolutely be there for you as a friend. I want to be a friend which you can rely on, a friend that able to be there for you when you need someone the most, a friend which you can able to share your stuffs or secrets, a friend which you are able to trust, a friend which you can like or hate, more importantly, you'll can never feel alone, even the whole world against you, you have me beside you.
~HBP
I red your blog the next day after i gave you my blogger link because i have the feeling that you will post a new post. That night after giving you my link, i was thinking that everything ends. Let things go by its own, let it be in its way. Hope, it's not something which i bear since the last time what happened when i was with my ex. Nevertheless, i was thinking that whether we are able to be friends again even after you know that i like you. It's stupid to think about it because i will never get the answer. Due to the feelings i have for you, all i wish it's even you do not like me, please do not ignore me. Even though, you do not like me, as long you take me as friend, i will be fine.
I do feel pain after reading your blog but not as pain as i thought so because you did something which i never expected, you still take me as friend. You did not ignore me, you still replies my message. You said and you did, not what my ex did to me. That is more than enough to cover the pain so what's left, i need time to pull myself back from crossing the line.
today, i went dinner with my friends and we were taking about relationship. I told them that i really hard to fall for girls and so far there are 5 of them that i fell. the first happened when i was young around 8 years old, consider that as puppy love. The second one, it's my second heart; third, it's one of my sisters, me as a third party; forth, my ex which i put all my trust and loyalty in it but everything just vanish in a blink and last it's you i fall. I did not tell them who is the last one, the fifth. I just tell them that it's secret. However one of them knew my secrets and she asked me whether do i still like the fifth one. If i answered that i'm not, i'm lying. It's impossible for me to say no, i really like you.
it's hard for me to let go but it does not mean that it's impossible, i need time for that. I like her, i really do. After reading her blog, i found one thing which is interesting. It is about one sided love; a guy asked a girl that isn't that suffering to love a person which the person does not love you? The girl actually answer that guy that even though you do not love me, as long i love you, i'm still in love, i'm not heart broken. It's kinda funny but it makes sense. Somehow this actually recalled what i did for my ex but that's passed.
I'm glad that you're still taking me as friend but i will still like you. I will still care for you even though you will feel disturbing. At least, you will remember me being there for you. You can find me whenever you want, i will absolutely be there for you as a friend. I want to be a friend which you can rely on, a friend that able to be there for you when you need someone the most, a friend which you can able to share your stuffs or secrets, a friend which you are able to trust, a friend which you can like or hate, more importantly, you'll can never feel alone, even the whole world against you, you have me beside you.
~HBP
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