i wonder should i put this post in this blog of mine or another, in the end i chose to post it here since i do not even care how people think of me anymore. People comes and goes; cannot accept me then stop acting, leave and i do not mind at all. I do not really know what happened to me but there's one thing i'm sure off is i'm not close to anyone anymore. I'm actually isolating from my friends or perhaps they are isolating me. Have this kind of mind set these days but maybe because i'm lost what i used to be in last semester.
I used to be a joker, love to mix around with others, make fun of others, a person which cannot sit still. I still fool around but i asked myself that what happened to me. i do not talk to my friends like i used to be, i do not join my friends like i used to be, i do not share my stuffs like i used to be, i do not sacrifices myself like i used to be. It's like there's a gab between me and them. Perhaps i changed back how i used to be, my old life. It's been told that "the person which is the noisiest, actually is the loneliest person among his/her friends". This reminds me of my old life, which i had a very lonely life when i was young, that's why i'm able to adapt to loneliness and darkness.
true enough that, i do not talk to my friends as often as before because i do not felt the friendship between us anymore. I do not feel that anymore, you guys gave me the feeling that i'm actually not in your world or someone which is just a pass by traveler. Like i said, i'm use to loneliness and this brings me to test my friends even till now. How you guys going to think about me, it's up to you all. I do it because i want to protect myself from being used, being cheated, being a stranger to you all. after the first semester, i actually able to see who are really my friends and who are not. there are friends that i care too much but what's the point if the person do not even appreciate it.
i have sensitive mind and able to sense things around me, i can felt things which people do not share. I like to observe and investigate but that's my old life and i stopped. I chose to ask rather then searching it by myself unless it is necessary. People has the right to not answer your questions and i respect that so i will only ask once and that's it. I used to ask the same question to the person till he/she got frustrated. I'm a person which think a lot and plan further apart from current situation. My brothers know me more than anyone i believe, they know what kind of person am i. So i do not blame on friends i have right now for not being able to understand or know me. I am a mysterious person if a person really want to know me, you can give a head and try, talk to me and slowly you might able to know what really a person am i. if you really understands me, i will take you as a real friend. I take friendship seriously,i social well with people but it does not mean that i'm making friends with them.
my mind right now just told me to turn back what i used to be in my secondary school life to protect myself, a cold and protective person. I will be a LALA boy. How you guys going to look on me, it's up to you all. friends that know me, ask yourself do you really know me, accept my close friends and brothers,they know my history and what kind of person i really am. think about it you might know my name but not me. My ways, my thoughts, my life, my personality, my habits, my will,my history, what i have been through, there are a lot of things you do not know about me. I will just be myself, accept or cant accept, your choices. I do not have the time to please any of you, i'm tired of this. I helped and i still do so to any of you whoever needs help, i will definitely be there even knowing that i will be betrayed or backstabed or used as tool, it's up to you all whether you appreciate it or not.
"split personality may not be two personalities in a person whether good or bad, it might refers to personality change after a person went through tough time in their life, just to protect themselves"
HPB
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
the broken wing
i wish you are still reading my blog, spend a bit of your time reading this post...it will be long but bear with it for a while because this is what you might want and i'm giving it to you.
"good evening everyone, I'm XXXXX, a pianist who play by hearing. Tonight i'm going to play a song. This song is dedicated to a girl. I wish that she is among you all and listen to this song. This is for You". This is what i said that night, the night which my university have their night ball. There were over 200 of audience that night and it was my first time playing in front of this huge amount of people. Furthermore i said the sentence above which i want to specifically to tell You that i let you go. The song that i played "apologize", people might think that i did something wrong to You and i wanted to apologize, this is just part of the song. The main reason of me playing this song is to forgive myself. Even though that i know you already forgave me but do you really think that after that forgive really ends everything? No! I cannot forgive what i did back there, each and single day i blame myself even after you had forgiven me.
do you know that even a person is forgiven, it's useless too if he cannot forgive himself? perhaps let's have a throw back. I do not boast what i did back there that day,it was the stupidest thing i did in my life. None of my friends actually believe what i did that day because it was not me, i should not have that courage to do so but i only did it on you. I never thought of you and i did it selfishly. Never ask for your permission and just gave a shot. That was it, everything just ended in that one second, our friendship and trust. i broke them and i will never get to gain back that trust anymore. Moreover, you might have phobia closing your eyes too. Everything was too late, when i notice it, it was too freaking late. i regret doing so and it was my mistake. all because of my selfishness and being ignorant. That night, i wanted to confess to you but i made a huge mistake by kissing you first. I was so confident that i could hold you, it was so foolish of me thinking it that way even my friends asked me whether i can handle the situation, they did advice me and some of them supported me, believed me that i could hold it. Nevertheless, everything was not in that way and it gone far worst. I should have waited and confess to you before kissing you. I wanted to ask you to give us a chance even i know that you have not let go of your very love one but i never got the chance to ask you. I'm sorry for making you cried on that night. You asked others that what if it happened to them, they answered you they will slap that guy and walked away. You did not do so that night, you just walked away from my sight and i was standing there like a man without a heart beating. Tears were flowing out and my brain just gave me the answer that everything is finished.
You gave back the present i prepared for you for valentine's day.
I have no idea whether did you even look at it but after what i did back there, i think you threw it away without even take a glance on it. The photo above shows a rose was folded patiently, the hand band that i searched for sometime and shop to shop, i wish that you will like it because it was modified by me. I added a metal naruto symbol on it to make it nicer since you like naruto so much and a so called confess letter. what's passed pass but memory will stay in our mind, i did what i'm best in to make a person happy but ended up, i made a wrong mistake and everything just from beauty to shit.
since that day, i never forgive myself what i did back there even after you forgave me, the posts that i wrote, i thought that after you forgive me, i will be fine but it gone worst. I cannot feel myself anymore, i was like totally lost then i only notice that i actually not seeking just for your forgiveness but mine too. That night, i lost everything, my pride, my dignity, myself and you. You forgave me and asked me to live on and start a new life of mine and i really tried. Nevertheless, i cannot, each freaking time, i cannot control of myself, i felt that i'm lost, freaking lost in the space. I cannot focus in my studies and i cannot even enjoy myself. I was fake smiling all the time whenever i step out from my room. My parents do not even know a single thing happen to me, i stay strong and act like nothing happened. When it comes that i'm alone at home, the feeling of mine will go worst, i cannot stay at home alone anymore not like before. Before that, i can stay alone at home do anything i love to do, dancing, playing piano and exercise. However, after that day i kissed you, the only thing i wish to do is to play piano. Each time i touch it and play it, it straight away stabs my heart. it hurts, it really does and when it comes to playing "apologize" it was even worst. It was like hundred of needles stab into my heart and twist, i suffer like hell, i think you should know that feeling. When it comes to that, i ran up to second floor and hit my sandbag as hard as i could. I do not give a damn how painful it is the hand will ended up, as long it helps me to relief the pain create from my heart. Heartache gives the most painful wound ever. Hitting the sandbag is just like a temporary medicine for me to relief that pain. hands full of scars, sometime twisted accidentally but who cares as long it helps me to relief my heartache for a while. imagine hitting that sandbag and at the same time tears dropping and hands felt numb and pain. Where can i get the permanent medicine to remove this pain of mine? i just have to continue searching and waiting, that's life isn't it..
you miss your ex, whatever he did to you, it gave you a great impact and deep memories which you cannot erase at all. I do not know anything about you, truth enough, i have no rights talking about your ex. Nevertheless, let me say this, give yourself a chance. I believe you can be like last time, you can as long you believe you can but first, give yourself a chance. you will find a better person which able to give you happiness. I admit that i'm very very stubborn for not letting you go. I like you because i saw your kindness, the truth beauty inside you. I like you for already 7 months, January you knew that i like you after i gave you my blog and i was worried that whether you will turn away from me but you did not, i confessed to you on February and being rejected, i have been isolated, been ignore. Which is a huge mistake i did and i never get to gain back that trust. I know that you were avoiding me that few months after i posted a blog that i love you. I messaged you, you do not reply me as fast before, sometimes seen but no replies. That feeling of waiting, you should be able to understand. the truth or dare game made me revealed that i like you the most and i wanted to make a step further. after sometime, i found out that one of the participant played that game with us did ask you about me. You answered that we are not match. I know about that and i still did that to you, this shows how stubborn am i, not how heroic nor brave guy. Simply it shows that i'm a foolish person which is not mature for you. So isn't that is why i'm not match to you because i'm a childish person.....
you changed me and you changed too. I do not know whether anyone told you about this but you really look thinner than before, i heard that you skip meals. Can you PLEASE have proper meals at least in a day, your parents will be worry sick of you if they find out. I miss the time we used to talk in the phone or message you in the phone, i care and i really do till now. I remember i called you when your at jia shin's house for treatment. You were in pain because Jia Shin was helping you to apply medicine on your wound and i was on the phone trying to talk to you to distract you from it but that's history. Now, I'm afraid that if i message you and you do not reply, it will make me thinking of you thinking that "you again, when are you going to stop", am i right? so i stopped. These few days, we danced for our in coming performance and i was very rough each time i talked to you because you asked me to leave you alone and i did. I did not walk close to you nor talk to you when we had our dance break. However do you know that i cannot stand it, seeing you alone sitting there sometimes. freaking worst feeling ever seeing that happens, that's why sometime i will try to pull some dance buddies,our friends over to you to make you happy or busy. I really have the urge to go there to talk to you but can we really like last time play with each other, i doubt that. I'm being selfish for not giving you your own personal space. However as long your on my sight and if you need help even if you do not ask for, i will still help you. I do not care whether people say that i'm naive to think that way or have a purpose for doing so to gain back your trust or whatever rumors they create but at least i know i did the right thing and it makes me feel better doing so.
every single word above, it was bullshit, that's what you think right? it is but i will say the same thing you typed to me when you knew that i like you. What i wrote above, it's from my bottom of my heart, whether you believe it or not, i felt pain from my chest and it is really really painful. My ex gave me a pain which is unforgettable but yours is even painful then hers and this is truth. I thought my ex gave me the most painful memory ever but yours gave me the pain which i cannot bear to stand at all. I took one hour to write this down with my heart creates that pain,was thinking carefully and i wish that i will not make any mistake anymore. that night after that play, again i throw my fame and being humble to announce this song it's for you. This is the last thing i will do for you. I told alex and jia shin about this, they asked me whether it will go worst or better. This is how i answered them "it's her call now, friend or stranger, it's not my choice, i respect her decision, i have no rights at all" what makes me think that way because i remember you asked me "can we still be friends" i broke that, i should have no rights at all or even type this post.....and lastly, i want to tell you that.......go, I let you go now, live the life you wanted, there are dreams that you have not fulfill, go and fulfilled them.....
HPB
"good evening everyone, I'm XXXXX, a pianist who play by hearing. Tonight i'm going to play a song. This song is dedicated to a girl. I wish that she is among you all and listen to this song. This is for You". This is what i said that night, the night which my university have their night ball. There were over 200 of audience that night and it was my first time playing in front of this huge amount of people. Furthermore i said the sentence above which i want to specifically to tell You that i let you go. The song that i played "apologize", people might think that i did something wrong to You and i wanted to apologize, this is just part of the song. The main reason of me playing this song is to forgive myself. Even though that i know you already forgave me but do you really think that after that forgive really ends everything? No! I cannot forgive what i did back there, each and single day i blame myself even after you had forgiven me.
do you know that even a person is forgiven, it's useless too if he cannot forgive himself? perhaps let's have a throw back. I do not boast what i did back there that day,it was the stupidest thing i did in my life. None of my friends actually believe what i did that day because it was not me, i should not have that courage to do so but i only did it on you. I never thought of you and i did it selfishly. Never ask for your permission and just gave a shot. That was it, everything just ended in that one second, our friendship and trust. i broke them and i will never get to gain back that trust anymore. Moreover, you might have phobia closing your eyes too. Everything was too late, when i notice it, it was too freaking late. i regret doing so and it was my mistake. all because of my selfishness and being ignorant. That night, i wanted to confess to you but i made a huge mistake by kissing you first. I was so confident that i could hold you, it was so foolish of me thinking it that way even my friends asked me whether i can handle the situation, they did advice me and some of them supported me, believed me that i could hold it. Nevertheless, everything was not in that way and it gone far worst. I should have waited and confess to you before kissing you. I wanted to ask you to give us a chance even i know that you have not let go of your very love one but i never got the chance to ask you. I'm sorry for making you cried on that night. You asked others that what if it happened to them, they answered you they will slap that guy and walked away. You did not do so that night, you just walked away from my sight and i was standing there like a man without a heart beating. Tears were flowing out and my brain just gave me the answer that everything is finished.
You gave back the present i prepared for you for valentine's day.
I have no idea whether did you even look at it but after what i did back there, i think you threw it away without even take a glance on it. The photo above shows a rose was folded patiently, the hand band that i searched for sometime and shop to shop, i wish that you will like it because it was modified by me. I added a metal naruto symbol on it to make it nicer since you like naruto so much and a so called confess letter. what's passed pass but memory will stay in our mind, i did what i'm best in to make a person happy but ended up, i made a wrong mistake and everything just from beauty to shit.
since that day, i never forgive myself what i did back there even after you forgave me, the posts that i wrote, i thought that after you forgive me, i will be fine but it gone worst. I cannot feel myself anymore, i was like totally lost then i only notice that i actually not seeking just for your forgiveness but mine too. That night, i lost everything, my pride, my dignity, myself and you. You forgave me and asked me to live on and start a new life of mine and i really tried. Nevertheless, i cannot, each freaking time, i cannot control of myself, i felt that i'm lost, freaking lost in the space. I cannot focus in my studies and i cannot even enjoy myself. I was fake smiling all the time whenever i step out from my room. My parents do not even know a single thing happen to me, i stay strong and act like nothing happened. When it comes that i'm alone at home, the feeling of mine will go worst, i cannot stay at home alone anymore not like before. Before that, i can stay alone at home do anything i love to do, dancing, playing piano and exercise. However, after that day i kissed you, the only thing i wish to do is to play piano. Each time i touch it and play it, it straight away stabs my heart. it hurts, it really does and when it comes to playing "apologize" it was even worst. It was like hundred of needles stab into my heart and twist, i suffer like hell, i think you should know that feeling. When it comes to that, i ran up to second floor and hit my sandbag as hard as i could. I do not give a damn how painful it is the hand will ended up, as long it helps me to relief the pain create from my heart. Heartache gives the most painful wound ever. Hitting the sandbag is just like a temporary medicine for me to relief that pain. hands full of scars, sometime twisted accidentally but who cares as long it helps me to relief my heartache for a while. imagine hitting that sandbag and at the same time tears dropping and hands felt numb and pain. Where can i get the permanent medicine to remove this pain of mine? i just have to continue searching and waiting, that's life isn't it..
you miss your ex, whatever he did to you, it gave you a great impact and deep memories which you cannot erase at all. I do not know anything about you, truth enough, i have no rights talking about your ex. Nevertheless, let me say this, give yourself a chance. I believe you can be like last time, you can as long you believe you can but first, give yourself a chance. you will find a better person which able to give you happiness. I admit that i'm very very stubborn for not letting you go. I like you because i saw your kindness, the truth beauty inside you. I like you for already 7 months, January you knew that i like you after i gave you my blog and i was worried that whether you will turn away from me but you did not, i confessed to you on February and being rejected, i have been isolated, been ignore. Which is a huge mistake i did and i never get to gain back that trust. I know that you were avoiding me that few months after i posted a blog that i love you. I messaged you, you do not reply me as fast before, sometimes seen but no replies. That feeling of waiting, you should be able to understand. the truth or dare game made me revealed that i like you the most and i wanted to make a step further. after sometime, i found out that one of the participant played that game with us did ask you about me. You answered that we are not match. I know about that and i still did that to you, this shows how stubborn am i, not how heroic nor brave guy. Simply it shows that i'm a foolish person which is not mature for you. So isn't that is why i'm not match to you because i'm a childish person.....
you changed me and you changed too. I do not know whether anyone told you about this but you really look thinner than before, i heard that you skip meals. Can you PLEASE have proper meals at least in a day, your parents will be worry sick of you if they find out. I miss the time we used to talk in the phone or message you in the phone, i care and i really do till now. I remember i called you when your at jia shin's house for treatment. You were in pain because Jia Shin was helping you to apply medicine on your wound and i was on the phone trying to talk to you to distract you from it but that's history. Now, I'm afraid that if i message you and you do not reply, it will make me thinking of you thinking that "you again, when are you going to stop", am i right? so i stopped. These few days, we danced for our in coming performance and i was very rough each time i talked to you because you asked me to leave you alone and i did. I did not walk close to you nor talk to you when we had our dance break. However do you know that i cannot stand it, seeing you alone sitting there sometimes. freaking worst feeling ever seeing that happens, that's why sometime i will try to pull some dance buddies,our friends over to you to make you happy or busy. I really have the urge to go there to talk to you but can we really like last time play with each other, i doubt that. I'm being selfish for not giving you your own personal space. However as long your on my sight and if you need help even if you do not ask for, i will still help you. I do not care whether people say that i'm naive to think that way or have a purpose for doing so to gain back your trust or whatever rumors they create but at least i know i did the right thing and it makes me feel better doing so.
every single word above, it was bullshit, that's what you think right? it is but i will say the same thing you typed to me when you knew that i like you. What i wrote above, it's from my bottom of my heart, whether you believe it or not, i felt pain from my chest and it is really really painful. My ex gave me a pain which is unforgettable but yours is even painful then hers and this is truth. I thought my ex gave me the most painful memory ever but yours gave me the pain which i cannot bear to stand at all. I took one hour to write this down with my heart creates that pain,was thinking carefully and i wish that i will not make any mistake anymore. that night after that play, again i throw my fame and being humble to announce this song it's for you. This is the last thing i will do for you. I told alex and jia shin about this, they asked me whether it will go worst or better. This is how i answered them "it's her call now, friend or stranger, it's not my choice, i respect her decision, i have no rights at all" what makes me think that way because i remember you asked me "can we still be friends" i broke that, i should have no rights at all or even type this post.....and lastly, i want to tell you that.......go, I let you go now, live the life you wanted, there are dreams that you have not fulfill, go and fulfilled them.....
HPB
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
parents' questionnaire
Saturday, we were rushing to Penang Island which is quite a distance from my house, 300km+ if i'm not mistaken. So we took off at 7am and we reached Ipoh around 9am. I was sleeping in the car the whole time until my dad stopped his car and i looked up, there goes a coffee shop. Finally, we could have some breakfast, i was hungry and tired because i did not sleep early the day before, the blame goes on me then. Anyway, i had slept for 2 hours in the car so i was energized and head for breakfast.
here comes the interesting part of that day, somehow my mum asked me how is the two sisters of mine. I answered her that they are fine and they will be continuing with their studies in degree. Suddenly, my mum brought up a conversation which is weird to me. She said how was V then? i told her that she will continue with her studies about English. It is something like advance English so i think she will be a teacher or lecturer one day. Then my mum said V is a good girl, why don't i think about it. hahaha seriously, i never thought that my mum will say that but honestly i know and i knew that we cannot be together because i'm not good enough for her or perhaps i rather appreciate her as my sister instead of girl friend. I just kept on telling my mum that it was impossible and my family was there so you can get the feeling i went through that day.
there's reason for everything and i believe we have to search it our own and that is exactly what i do in my life, keep on searching and waiting.
let's have a throw back then about my relation between V
I knew V during my foundation through a bunch of crazy foundation friends of mine. They were studying Biology science and i was studying pure science so there were few subjects i will be having the same class as them. Time goes by, they actually formed a family and it is a big one,Ugang and so i was added to their family too since i'm quite close to them and helped them a lot in some way. One day a brother of that family asked me that whether do i interested in any of the sisters in the family, i did answer him but that time i answered it because i like them, nothing much. It is normal for a guy to like girls or else boy likes boy, isn't that weird?
before that there was something happened and V started to avoid talking to me, perhaps she started to notice that i like her or maybe because of something else. it was a long story so i will only state the main stories. When it came to her birthday, she cried and i actually already knew that what happened to her before,her history through a sister in that family. Furthermore because of that, i told myself that V do not have to be my girl friend, why not a sister or a close friend perhaps. on her birthday, i actually folded and colored 100 of pink roses and store them in a transparent teddy bear, after knowing her history i folded one more rose to change the whole meaning of the present. Yes i admit that i love V very much in that period but there are things which not meant to be yours, it will not be yours forever but you can hold it and let it go; i even stated above that i'm not her dream man, she will only interested to guys which are super handsome and definitely the person will not be me haha i believe she can get a better person then me and of course her ex too. i always ask her to stay strong even the other brothers and sisters too.
i dare to type this out because i believe she trusted me to be a good brother to her and i will not break that promise. V can be my sister forever and close friend. i cannot believe my mum actually want me to chase you haha however it would not happen. right now too bad that she is far away from me, the only way to contact each other is through social network messenger. I miss you sister, i believe we can see each other one day. those memories we had, it will be in my heart forever. thanks for everything, you know you are the best. continue to stay strong and study hard for your degree, all the best and good luck.
HPB
here comes the interesting part of that day, somehow my mum asked me how is the two sisters of mine. I answered her that they are fine and they will be continuing with their studies in degree. Suddenly, my mum brought up a conversation which is weird to me. She said how was V then? i told her that she will continue with her studies about English. It is something like advance English so i think she will be a teacher or lecturer one day. Then my mum said V is a good girl, why don't i think about it. hahaha seriously, i never thought that my mum will say that but honestly i know and i knew that we cannot be together because i'm not good enough for her or perhaps i rather appreciate her as my sister instead of girl friend. I just kept on telling my mum that it was impossible and my family was there so you can get the feeling i went through that day.
there's reason for everything and i believe we have to search it our own and that is exactly what i do in my life, keep on searching and waiting.
let's have a throw back then about my relation between V
I knew V during my foundation through a bunch of crazy foundation friends of mine. They were studying Biology science and i was studying pure science so there were few subjects i will be having the same class as them. Time goes by, they actually formed a family and it is a big one,Ugang and so i was added to their family too since i'm quite close to them and helped them a lot in some way. One day a brother of that family asked me that whether do i interested in any of the sisters in the family, i did answer him but that time i answered it because i like them, nothing much. It is normal for a guy to like girls or else boy likes boy, isn't that weird?
before that there was something happened and V started to avoid talking to me, perhaps she started to notice that i like her or maybe because of something else. it was a long story so i will only state the main stories. When it came to her birthday, she cried and i actually already knew that what happened to her before,her history through a sister in that family. Furthermore because of that, i told myself that V do not have to be my girl friend, why not a sister or a close friend perhaps. on her birthday, i actually folded and colored 100 of pink roses and store them in a transparent teddy bear, after knowing her history i folded one more rose to change the whole meaning of the present. Yes i admit that i love V very much in that period but there are things which not meant to be yours, it will not be yours forever but you can hold it and let it go; i even stated above that i'm not her dream man, she will only interested to guys which are super handsome and definitely the person will not be me haha i believe she can get a better person then me and of course her ex too. i always ask her to stay strong even the other brothers and sisters too.
i dare to type this out because i believe she trusted me to be a good brother to her and i will not break that promise. V can be my sister forever and close friend. i cannot believe my mum actually want me to chase you haha however it would not happen. right now too bad that she is far away from me, the only way to contact each other is through social network messenger. I miss you sister, i believe we can see each other one day. those memories we had, it will be in my heart forever. thanks for everything, you know you are the best. continue to stay strong and study hard for your degree, all the best and good luck.
HPB
Monday, May 20, 2013
the explode
these days we had been busy preparing ourselves for flash mob. It was something which we never thought that will happen in our university. However we put it off with a bang, everyone was excited looking at us dance. I mean the new intake students, so basically we are performing a flash mob in our university May intake orientation. We have to blend in among the new intakes, act as a new comer which do not know anything about our university. Too bad that that day's orientation they have mass call, which every new intakes have to wear our university shirt. Due to this, we are obviously exposed because we are wearing casual. There are some new intakes do not have their shirt yet so we still able to trick them somehow.
so those days, we practiced like hell. It was not something we usual train off, the beat and rhyme is faster than what i danced before. Nevertheless, practices made perfect so it was kinda awesome after you get the moves and the timing everything. That was for dance club parts, the flash mob consists of two groups which are the dance club dancers and the helpers that are helping in the orientation. So it was kinda obvious that we have to learn two choreograph for this flash mob. We able to train ours, our dance club moves in time and able to learn the other one in a short time because it was easy but it does not mean that we can dance simply, easy moves comes with tough sharpness.
Furthermore, somehow we got our dance group named as "135" because one of our moves involved in this formation and enable others to remember us in that name. So our group name is "135" ? We are still not sure on that because last time we used to call us "dance evolution" but that was history. We are talking about now, the dancers are different from before but i am still the same, newbie as usual hahaha there are so many things more for me to learn. Learn a bit from here and there so that next time when someone ask, i will be able to perform a bit or even talk about it since i have the knowledge about it but that is going to be a long time for me to achieve. So far i only know about breakdance(main), popping, hip-hop, k-pop, tango and lyrical, that is all i know. there is so much for me to explore more.
so here is the "135" after the flash mob, we are over excited and take photos. talking about taking photos, we still have few dancers that are unable to join us this time. Nevertheless they will join the next performance on 2nd June for our university night ball. They are busy than never right now since they still have showcase to prepare for in coming event which hold on 22 June if i'm not mistaken. I'm not joining this since it bangs to another event of mine. They can have all the fun this time, they have more passion than i do for dancing. As i said before, i dance for pleasure not for purpose, i do have passion but not much as theirs i believe. Different way of thinking perhaps, brings me to another kind of view about dancing. I'm happy dancing with them and i never feel like being home actually dancing with them, perhaps they do not know that, i really do love dancing. However, somehow i got myself stuck half way and unable to move forward. I'm still finding what cause me think that way and i hope to solve it as soon as possible. I felt being left out these days, or perhaps i'm the one isolated them..
sometimes or perhaps most of the time, i admit that i will look very boss-y in front of my dance buddies. Perhaps i have to change that attitude of mine, last time in secondary school i was a choreographer and of course i have my own ideas too. I do not mind sharing it but it was up to them to decide which moves they want to perform. Sharing ideas is one way to improve everyone's skills and i was happy to see everyone actually improve a lot and i mean really a lot. they can call themselves dancer already and in this flash mob i made new dance buddies which is a popper and a choreographer. Both are great, wish i will learn more things from them, they are awesome.
i'm looking forward for the next dance performance but mean while i think i better take care of my body. My health condition is not as good as before, should say become worst. Thus, no other choice but to take care of myself first, physically and mentally. Tough path have to walk, no other choices but that one and only way to walk. So that "day" going to come soon, wait till that day, everything might will be resolved and you will have your own life. i promise that....
promises are meant to be broken but not for this one, or else i will have trouble living on in my life
~HPB
so those days, we practiced like hell. It was not something we usual train off, the beat and rhyme is faster than what i danced before. Nevertheless, practices made perfect so it was kinda awesome after you get the moves and the timing everything. That was for dance club parts, the flash mob consists of two groups which are the dance club dancers and the helpers that are helping in the orientation. So it was kinda obvious that we have to learn two choreograph for this flash mob. We able to train ours, our dance club moves in time and able to learn the other one in a short time because it was easy but it does not mean that we can dance simply, easy moves comes with tough sharpness.
Furthermore, somehow we got our dance group named as "135" because one of our moves involved in this formation and enable others to remember us in that name. So our group name is "135" ? We are still not sure on that because last time we used to call us "dance evolution" but that was history. We are talking about now, the dancers are different from before but i am still the same, newbie as usual hahaha there are so many things more for me to learn. Learn a bit from here and there so that next time when someone ask, i will be able to perform a bit or even talk about it since i have the knowledge about it but that is going to be a long time for me to achieve. So far i only know about breakdance(main), popping, hip-hop, k-pop, tango and lyrical, that is all i know. there is so much for me to explore more.
so here is the "135" after the flash mob, we are over excited and take photos. talking about taking photos, we still have few dancers that are unable to join us this time. Nevertheless they will join the next performance on 2nd June for our university night ball. They are busy than never right now since they still have showcase to prepare for in coming event which hold on 22 June if i'm not mistaken. I'm not joining this since it bangs to another event of mine. They can have all the fun this time, they have more passion than i do for dancing. As i said before, i dance for pleasure not for purpose, i do have passion but not much as theirs i believe. Different way of thinking perhaps, brings me to another kind of view about dancing. I'm happy dancing with them and i never feel like being home actually dancing with them, perhaps they do not know that, i really do love dancing. However, somehow i got myself stuck half way and unable to move forward. I'm still finding what cause me think that way and i hope to solve it as soon as possible. I felt being left out these days, or perhaps i'm the one isolated them..
sometimes or perhaps most of the time, i admit that i will look very boss-y in front of my dance buddies. Perhaps i have to change that attitude of mine, last time in secondary school i was a choreographer and of course i have my own ideas too. I do not mind sharing it but it was up to them to decide which moves they want to perform. Sharing ideas is one way to improve everyone's skills and i was happy to see everyone actually improve a lot and i mean really a lot. they can call themselves dancer already and in this flash mob i made new dance buddies which is a popper and a choreographer. Both are great, wish i will learn more things from them, they are awesome.
i'm looking forward for the next dance performance but mean while i think i better take care of my body. My health condition is not as good as before, should say become worst. Thus, no other choice but to take care of myself first, physically and mentally. Tough path have to walk, no other choices but that one and only way to walk. So that "day" going to come soon, wait till that day, everything might will be resolved and you will have your own life. i promise that....
promises are meant to be broken but not for this one, or else i will have trouble living on in my life
~HPB
Thursday, May 9, 2013
the past
finally, which what i have wanted for so long, my university semester break. Semester break, it does not mean that i'm able to rest because there is a lot of things waiting for me to settle at home. It is time for me to take care of my house maintenance; one month in a year which is May during my semester break, i am only available to do so. Basically,my duty is TRYING to repair anything which is spoiled at home and maintain the house in good condition and functional. Degree life, it's a tough one but thank God that everything went smoothly in my first year first semester. In this semester, i learned how to take videos and photos. the brightness, angles, iso, aperture and more, which leads me to have more interest to take videos and photos. So far, i was thinking to have a part time job to be a photographer, it might be great. taking good photos and share them, anyway it's my hobby since i was young. in order to achieve this, i need to learn few software which edit photos to make it more lovely. right now, i'm doing my best, trying to learn how to use adobe photoshop, it is kinda hard but i will get use to it anyway.
so that's my updates about my life recently, now now, this is what am i thinking to write. I planned to write it yesterday night but there is something i need to settle down so i did not make it. something which is more important to recording this down. nevertheless, it does not change a single thing anyway, my mind still have the things i wanted to type, they are still fresh in my mind.
i was doing chores yesterday, i never thought that i actually have so many things to clean up. papers, books, accessories and more, my study table was in a big mess, i wonder how long i did not use my table to study hahaha the whole semester, i never use my table at all for my studies; i went out from morning which the sun has not even rise yet and when i reached home, the moon is laughing at me. So it is a busy life in my degree, sometimes i even need to stay up late just to finish my editing. So back to the point, while i was doing my chores, i saw something which i hid and i took it. "it" still looks good and fine, never thought that i will be seeing that again so soon. I hid that present last year and now i was looking at it.
I was thinking, how is my ex recently. Even though she dumped me silently and made me suffer, i still take her as friend. It's like seriously, even my friends asked me not to think about friends either. After that day, i never got the chance to see her anymore, i should say we did not even contact each other after that. That day, i wanted to gave her the present above, the 100 paper made roses with rose aroma, painted by me one by one and the crystal necklace. that's passed, some friends know about my history regarding my ex, i shared it to those that have mature thinking of chasing the girl they like. story been told and its up to them to make their decision wisely, unlike me.
look at the box, everything is made by me, how am i afford to burn it. It is priceless but it is not something which is said 'burn it' that easily. There is still memories in it. Temporary right now, i hid it again. hopefully that i would not see it for this period because i know that i'm in a frustrated situation. I have no time to think about other stuffs, i have to start practicing a lot for my in coming piano performance. My heart shows my frustration through my mental, my hands were shaking, i was thinking how am i going to perform well then. My piano teacher did tell me not to shake my hands but i cannot control it. Blood pressure rise again? why? gosh! i cannot give up playing piano, it is like ending my life. Piano is like a diary to me, i wrote every single details of my feelings in it, i hope people able to feel it. some people do and i'm have nothing to say other than thank you for accepting them.
May is going to be a busy month for me, dance, piano performance, maintenance , shooting, editing and more to come. Isn't it great that my life is busy so that i would not think about thinks which i should not recall off? negative thoughts? however, honestly speaking, i'm tired mentally and physically...friends, i doubt or maybe i'm just too kind to them.....who knows.....real friends? friendship? i wish i would not feel regret but i am and always do til now, hope that there's a road for me to walk away from this but there is none or maybe....who knows...the hardest thing to do in the world,is to forgive yourself~
~HPB
so that's my updates about my life recently, now now, this is what am i thinking to write. I planned to write it yesterday night but there is something i need to settle down so i did not make it. something which is more important to recording this down. nevertheless, it does not change a single thing anyway, my mind still have the things i wanted to type, they are still fresh in my mind.
i was doing chores yesterday, i never thought that i actually have so many things to clean up. papers, books, accessories and more, my study table was in a big mess, i wonder how long i did not use my table to study hahaha the whole semester, i never use my table at all for my studies; i went out from morning which the sun has not even rise yet and when i reached home, the moon is laughing at me. So it is a busy life in my degree, sometimes i even need to stay up late just to finish my editing. So back to the point, while i was doing my chores, i saw something which i hid and i took it. "it" still looks good and fine, never thought that i will be seeing that again so soon. I hid that present last year and now i was looking at it.
I was thinking, how is my ex recently. Even though she dumped me silently and made me suffer, i still take her as friend. It's like seriously, even my friends asked me not to think about friends either. After that day, i never got the chance to see her anymore, i should say we did not even contact each other after that. That day, i wanted to gave her the present above, the 100 paper made roses with rose aroma, painted by me one by one and the crystal necklace. that's passed, some friends know about my history regarding my ex, i shared it to those that have mature thinking of chasing the girl they like. story been told and its up to them to make their decision wisely, unlike me.
look at the box, everything is made by me, how am i afford to burn it. It is priceless but it is not something which is said 'burn it' that easily. There is still memories in it. Temporary right now, i hid it again. hopefully that i would not see it for this period because i know that i'm in a frustrated situation. I have no time to think about other stuffs, i have to start practicing a lot for my in coming piano performance. My heart shows my frustration through my mental, my hands were shaking, i was thinking how am i going to perform well then. My piano teacher did tell me not to shake my hands but i cannot control it. Blood pressure rise again? why? gosh! i cannot give up playing piano, it is like ending my life. Piano is like a diary to me, i wrote every single details of my feelings in it, i hope people able to feel it. some people do and i'm have nothing to say other than thank you for accepting them.
May is going to be a busy month for me, dance, piano performance, maintenance , shooting, editing and more to come. Isn't it great that my life is busy so that i would not think about thinks which i should not recall off? negative thoughts? however, honestly speaking, i'm tired mentally and physically...friends, i doubt or maybe i'm just too kind to them.....who knows.....real friends? friendship? i wish i would not feel regret but i am and always do til now, hope that there's a road for me to walk away from this but there is none or maybe....who knows...the hardest thing to do in the world,is to forgive yourself~
~HPB
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
currently and recently
i was planning to study at this time but somehow i just feel like writing down what is in my mind today and what happened these days. degree life, just hand in some of my assignments days ago, at the same time get some 'feedback' from my lecturer. it is time for me to start reading perhaps in order for me to improve more on my grammar and vocabulary. I thought i am able to let things go and focus in my studies but i am wrong. i am too easily influenced by surroundings, memories, environments which shows me that i am actually weak. To be more exact, i am mentally tired and this affects my physical health which is one word to describe myself right now, dumb
suffer pain from left chest and all i do is keep quiet, right hand put on the chest and just act nothing happen. blood pressure shot up sometimes which is able to let me know by having headache. i think the next month i will be doing more exercises to build a better body. talking about exercise, reminds me dancing. i love to dance and seriously i mean it but these days i do not know why, i felt that i am so left out. perhaps thinking too much? my dance buddies, they are busied preparing flash mob for the next intake, i am interested but the practice time they set makes me hard to join them. in addition, of course they would not because of me change another day right? so let them perform this time without me perhaps, i wish i can join them but i am afraid that i cannot catch up with their steps. anyway i am just a newbie, it takes time for me to remember steps. one partner, no longer a newbie, he went for dance classes, haha i am proud and currently he is better than me. i think i am the weakest dancer among them. perhaps, the passion of dance in them is greater than mine, for now all i can do is dancing in my own living room, parkour, bboy and hip-hop. for them, dancing perhaps is an important activity to them and that is why they put so much passion on it, for me i dance will pleasure and do not dance for a purpose but i dance because i simply enjoy it. recalls the first time i dance as a bboy in secondary school just because there is a boy which dance hip-hop challenged me. hahaha so right now, i am still thinking whether should i join the flash mob. they even join showcase which will hold on june or july, they have new groups and partners and of course i am not inside because i am not as good as them hahaha who am i? besides, it holds on weekends so i believe they would not call me because they should know i cannot make it. so this is what i am thinking about my dancing life currently, dance...i wish...but....things would not be the same anymore aren't?
so i keep drinking these days, how great, my bad habit, drinking. i never like drinking, once i start drinking i just have the urge to continue and continue until that i cannot drink anymore, which is almost at the state of being drunk. i just feel like ending my life and just like this, pop, then perhaps everything will be gone, i do not have to worry or even think. like i said, drinking is actually not my thing but i still drink, all because my mind full of negative stuffs. i do not mind drinking alone, anyway drinking alone actually it makes me feel 'better'. i try to cut down my alcohol drinks, it crazily how much i drank. no one likes a drunker so perhaps this is the way to make a girl dislike me? haha alcoholic huh? just drink, who cares?
59 days gone, i read your blog almost everyday, i do not depends on friends anymore to know your update. on the other hand, i actually try to communicate with you but it seems would not work well. i inbox you and you saw it but you do not reply or sometimes you would but mostly....hahaha so what can i conclude here? i do not have the answer with me, i am lost anyway. you posted a post said that dislike means dislike, so i asked you a question and you answered. i know recently you like a boy, i cannot do anything because it is none of my business. all i can do is reading your blog and see your updates in your status. even sometimes i have the urge to text you but you do not seem to read it anyway even if i sent them. it is hard for you to find a guy isn't it? why not give yourself a chance? i know you went through worst, afraid of breaking up and arguments but think about it, you are too negative and naive to think that way. perhaps and maybe this guy will change your life? why don't you give a try? i do not expect you to find me anyway, i'm just an acquaintance to you right now, no longer friend....that's the consequence what i did back that day. blaming myself for being so rush, even knowing that you dislike me, i thought that i am able to change that but it became worst. who to put the blame on? of course me...
write so much, every single words above it is everything i wanted to type out from my heart. somehow i feel better typing all out, i cannot take pressure anymore. friends has been using one word to describe me "weak" so i am weak? perhaps so, i look strong in front of you guys but when i am down, none of you notice haha i am just so good in hiding them. fake smile, when will i able to see my real smile again?
~HPB
suffer pain from left chest and all i do is keep quiet, right hand put on the chest and just act nothing happen. blood pressure shot up sometimes which is able to let me know by having headache. i think the next month i will be doing more exercises to build a better body. talking about exercise, reminds me dancing. i love to dance and seriously i mean it but these days i do not know why, i felt that i am so left out. perhaps thinking too much? my dance buddies, they are busied preparing flash mob for the next intake, i am interested but the practice time they set makes me hard to join them. in addition, of course they would not because of me change another day right? so let them perform this time without me perhaps, i wish i can join them but i am afraid that i cannot catch up with their steps. anyway i am just a newbie, it takes time for me to remember steps. one partner, no longer a newbie, he went for dance classes, haha i am proud and currently he is better than me. i think i am the weakest dancer among them. perhaps, the passion of dance in them is greater than mine, for now all i can do is dancing in my own living room, parkour, bboy and hip-hop. for them, dancing perhaps is an important activity to them and that is why they put so much passion on it, for me i dance will pleasure and do not dance for a purpose but i dance because i simply enjoy it. recalls the first time i dance as a bboy in secondary school just because there is a boy which dance hip-hop challenged me. hahaha so right now, i am still thinking whether should i join the flash mob. they even join showcase which will hold on june or july, they have new groups and partners and of course i am not inside because i am not as good as them hahaha who am i? besides, it holds on weekends so i believe they would not call me because they should know i cannot make it. so this is what i am thinking about my dancing life currently, dance...i wish...but....things would not be the same anymore aren't?
so i keep drinking these days, how great, my bad habit, drinking. i never like drinking, once i start drinking i just have the urge to continue and continue until that i cannot drink anymore, which is almost at the state of being drunk. i just feel like ending my life and just like this, pop, then perhaps everything will be gone, i do not have to worry or even think. like i said, drinking is actually not my thing but i still drink, all because my mind full of negative stuffs. i do not mind drinking alone, anyway drinking alone actually it makes me feel 'better'. i try to cut down my alcohol drinks, it crazily how much i drank. no one likes a drunker so perhaps this is the way to make a girl dislike me? haha alcoholic huh? just drink, who cares?
59 days gone, i read your blog almost everyday, i do not depends on friends anymore to know your update. on the other hand, i actually try to communicate with you but it seems would not work well. i inbox you and you saw it but you do not reply or sometimes you would but mostly....hahaha so what can i conclude here? i do not have the answer with me, i am lost anyway. you posted a post said that dislike means dislike, so i asked you a question and you answered. i know recently you like a boy, i cannot do anything because it is none of my business. all i can do is reading your blog and see your updates in your status. even sometimes i have the urge to text you but you do not seem to read it anyway even if i sent them. it is hard for you to find a guy isn't it? why not give yourself a chance? i know you went through worst, afraid of breaking up and arguments but think about it, you are too negative and naive to think that way. perhaps and maybe this guy will change your life? why don't you give a try? i do not expect you to find me anyway, i'm just an acquaintance to you right now, no longer friend....that's the consequence what i did back that day. blaming myself for being so rush, even knowing that you dislike me, i thought that i am able to change that but it became worst. who to put the blame on? of course me...
write so much, every single words above it is everything i wanted to type out from my heart. somehow i feel better typing all out, i cannot take pressure anymore. friends has been using one word to describe me "weak" so i am weak? perhaps so, i look strong in front of you guys but when i am down, none of you notice haha i am just so good in hiding them. fake smile, when will i able to see my real smile again?
~HPB
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Real?Fake?
150/82.....haha seriously? how come my blood pressure shot up? why? why at the moment that i'm so busy with my assignments, presentations and
finals. is this real? it's like a nightmare coming back,haunting me. blood pressure, had it since last year when i was chasing the third girl that i liked. i mean seriously? i still cannot believe this but i have to admit and accept the fact that it's truth. these days i felt mil pain from my chest, should be from the heart...i never like this feeling, it gives me the feeling that i might not live the next day, how great was it..headache, easily get mad which i don't....health, i never care? perhaps it's truth or maybe not? i do what it's necessary to suppress my blood pressure but ended up why you shoot up? weak? perhaps so...
48 days gone, it's just like a blink, 48 days that i wear my freak face smiling, laughing like a mad man, none of my friends know about it, the truth behind. do you guys really think that i'm happy? the smile faces, i cannot even recognize myself, it's that really me? i cannot even differetiate which smile is real or fake...been fake smiling the whole day in uni or in my outside life. reach home, still smile in front of my parents, am i really gone mad? each time, i only hope to get into my room, why? because there's the only safest place for me to keep from everyone my real face. it's tiring, very i mean. though some of my friends asked me why emo, all i reply them is "i'm not, i'm just tired" haha what a good excuses to run from the truth..
48 days gone, you said you forgive me and you did say dont have to worry about you even as a friend, it's not needed..haha i cant...i still worry for you and still thinking of you...i messaged you because neither i'm worry or just thinking of you but you did not reply. i cannot blame you on this because i know you wouldnt reply me and i do not expect any replies too..you still need time and all i can do it's wait, what am i waiting? waiting for that day to come, it might happen or it might not because everything it's in your hands,it's not mine to choose. wait till that day, see how thing goes.. i might have the courage to let you go..........i still did not take my eyes away from you...knowing that you hurt your knee, please take care alright..no pain, no gain? right? hahaha
yesterday went for the dance practice, saw you, it was like been a long time i did not see you. nevertheless, you did not change a bit...or maybe i dont know? the truth i went for the practice is just to see you, wanted to update myself knowing how have you been. knowing that you're alright so i went off and continue with my busy life. however i do learn something new from you all that day. flash mob, i will learn from alex when i'm free to consult him. from that dance practice, i found out that i'm still the same, i like to look at you dancing. haha stupid me, you feel happy and you really enjoy it. dancing it's part of your life, dont stop dancing...it's the thing which makes me like you...i wish i can dance with you again...chances? i will dance with you as a friend, just as friend which if you allow me...can i? looking at you smile, i will feel better, i will just feel happy. i just dont know why am i thinking that way....i just have that feeling
scars....it can be tangible or intangible;tangible, looking at my hands, the scars that i did before. the blood that i shed haha crazy me isn't it? it's worth to do that? blood drop more than tears, one of my life rule...intangible,i still miss you, scar inside still need time to recover...memories can be happy and sad at the same time....
degree life is busy like hell and now my health condition goes down again. what is this showing me? i'm lost?
~HPB
48 days gone, it's just like a blink, 48 days that i wear my freak face smiling, laughing like a mad man, none of my friends know about it, the truth behind. do you guys really think that i'm happy? the smile faces, i cannot even recognize myself, it's that really me? i cannot even differetiate which smile is real or fake...been fake smiling the whole day in uni or in my outside life. reach home, still smile in front of my parents, am i really gone mad? each time, i only hope to get into my room, why? because there's the only safest place for me to keep from everyone my real face. it's tiring, very i mean. though some of my friends asked me why emo, all i reply them is "i'm not, i'm just tired" haha what a good excuses to run from the truth..
48 days gone, you said you forgive me and you did say dont have to worry about you even as a friend, it's not needed..haha i cant...i still worry for you and still thinking of you...i messaged you because neither i'm worry or just thinking of you but you did not reply. i cannot blame you on this because i know you wouldnt reply me and i do not expect any replies too..you still need time and all i can do it's wait, what am i waiting? waiting for that day to come, it might happen or it might not because everything it's in your hands,it's not mine to choose. wait till that day, see how thing goes.. i might have the courage to let you go..........i still did not take my eyes away from you...knowing that you hurt your knee, please take care alright..no pain, no gain? right? hahaha
yesterday went for the dance practice, saw you, it was like been a long time i did not see you. nevertheless, you did not change a bit...or maybe i dont know? the truth i went for the practice is just to see you, wanted to update myself knowing how have you been. knowing that you're alright so i went off and continue with my busy life. however i do learn something new from you all that day. flash mob, i will learn from alex when i'm free to consult him. from that dance practice, i found out that i'm still the same, i like to look at you dancing. haha stupid me, you feel happy and you really enjoy it. dancing it's part of your life, dont stop dancing...it's the thing which makes me like you...i wish i can dance with you again...chances? i will dance with you as a friend, just as friend which if you allow me...can i? looking at you smile, i will feel better, i will just feel happy. i just dont know why am i thinking that way....i just have that feeling
scars....it can be tangible or intangible;tangible, looking at my hands, the scars that i did before. the blood that i shed haha crazy me isn't it? it's worth to do that? blood drop more than tears, one of my life rule...intangible,i still miss you, scar inside still need time to recover...memories can be happy and sad at the same time....
degree life is busy like hell and now my health condition goes down again. what is this showing me? i'm lost?
~HPB
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