first and last

so the time is 12:50am, a new year starts but bottom of my heart i know that i still unable to let you go. The last day of year 2012, i was having my finals, slept at 3am and woke up 7:40am to continue my preparation for my finals. Mind does not stop thinking about you. i felt pain, why?

now all you do is wishing me. you do not even bother to talk to me or message me like last time before we got together. Then why at first you promised me to be best friends even we cannot be together. You lied to me once and i am giving you another chance to make me trust you. However, you still did the same thing. how am i going to trust you anymore? am i mad? yes, i am mad but what can i do? you are no longer part of my life. i cannot control this and it is not my nature to force someone too.

i got hurt and i am so good in hiding them with a smile except for those that know me very close. I smile because of you, emo because of you. what do i really deserve? It's already 1 month plus, i did not see you and i still misses you. why? the way how cold you treated me, i'm still miss you and love you. because i love you truthfully? i'm too naive.

i do think about what did you tell you friends about us. me, i always tell my friends how much i love you, how much i spent my time, how much i scarified. obviously, i take this very serious and i did not know that actually i'm falling into a deep well.

january, we are having a gathering, you might show up or maybe not. can i really see you? can i? facing you? smile? currently my heart easily break down and i'm under mild depression right now, have the thoughts of commit suicide. i hurt myself and my friends was looking at my fist..ya i hit it still it bleeds. the wound looks 'nice'

do you really love me? if you do, you wouldnt put me into a cold war like this but you did. i think i'm the one that naive to think everything it's real. i have been played by you and i dont think i will get into relationship anymore. i was so hurt, once is enough because i never play on things like this, i always take this very seriously. end up, i suffer and got hurt the most. i cant see you but i feel like you're happy without me or maybe there's a guy better than me.....i'm useless as usual.

~bbpianist