Real?Fake?

150/82.....haha seriously? how come my blood pressure shot up? why? why at the moment that i'm so busy with my assignments, presentations and finals. is this real? it's like a nightmare coming back,haunting me. blood pressure, had it since last year when i was chasing the third girl that i liked. i mean seriously? i still cannot believe this but i have to admit and accept the fact that it's truth. these days i felt mil pain from my chest, should be from the heart...i never like this feeling, it gives me the feeling that i might not live the next day, how great was it..headache, easily get mad which i don't....health, i never care? perhaps it's truth or maybe not? i do what it's necessary to suppress my blood pressure but ended up why you shoot up? weak? perhaps so...

48 days gone, it's just like a blink, 48 days that i wear my freak face smiling, laughing like a mad man, none of my friends know about it, the truth behind. do you guys really think that i'm happy? the smile faces, i cannot even recognize myself, it's that really me? i cannot even differetiate which smile is real or fake...been fake smiling the whole day in uni or in my outside life. reach home, still smile in front of my parents, am i really gone mad? each time, i only hope to get into my room, why? because there's the only safest place for me to keep from everyone my real face. it's tiring, very i mean. though some of my friends asked me why emo, all i reply them is "i'm not, i'm just tired" haha what a good excuses to run from the truth..

48 days gone, you said you forgive me and you did say dont have to worry about you even as a friend, it's not needed..haha i cant...i still worry for you and still thinking of you...i messaged you because neither i'm worry or just thinking of you but you did not reply. i cannot blame you on this because i know you wouldnt reply me and i do not expect any replies too..you still need time and all i can do it's wait, what am i waiting? waiting for that day to come, it might happen or it might not because everything it's in your hands,it's not mine to choose. wait till that day, see how thing goes.. i might have the courage to let you go..........i still did not take my eyes away from you...knowing that you hurt your knee, please take care alright..no pain, no gain? right? hahaha

yesterday went for the dance practice, saw you, it was like been a long time i did not see you. nevertheless, you did not change a bit...or maybe i dont know? the truth i went for the practice is just to see you, wanted to update myself knowing how have you been. knowing that you're alright so i went off and continue with my busy life. however i do learn something new from you all that day. flash mob, i will learn from alex when i'm free to consult him. from that dance practice, i found out that i'm still the same, i like to look at you dancing. haha stupid me, you feel happy and you really enjoy it. dancing it's part of your life, dont stop dancing...it's the thing which makes me like you...i wish i can dance with you again...chances? i will dance with you as a friend, just as friend which if you allow me...can i? looking at you smile, i will feel better, i will just feel happy. i just dont know why am i thinking that way....i just have that feeling

scars....it can be tangible or intangible;tangible, looking at my hands, the scars that i did before. the blood that i shed haha crazy me isn't it? it's worth to do that? blood drop more than tears, one of my life rule...intangible,i still miss you, scar inside still need time to recover...memories can be happy and sad at the same time....

degree life is busy like hell and now my health condition goes down again. what is this showing me? i'm lost?

~HPB